thoumeghts

The world is just really scary sometimes, seeing all these people who are so high up there, being capable of achieving things that feel so far out of reach for someone like me. And it's just... how will I ever get there? The me who can't help but make stupid mistakes, the me who is still so socially awkward, the me who doesn't even seem to have any 'potential' to show.

But they say to always end such statements with the word 'yet'. It feels like the toughest fight to just believe in myself. But it's a fight I have to win, or learn to win. The comforting thing is that this fight is not a single, decisive fight. I can lose from Monday-Saturday, but I can also be winner on Sunday. Even if my victories are few or rare, they are mine, and they can happen again.

I’m supposed to be an adult, a strong independent woman that loves herself and is focused on achieving goals rather than a love life. I’m supposed to take this easy, to let love naturally find me when the time is right and when I’m ready. But I’m not all of these. I pretend that I’m fine and that I love everything about being single, because even the younger me has wanted this for myself. The younger me used to say that I’d be fine with or without someone, because I’m enough for myself and there is so much more to life than love. But these days, I’m not so strong. I can no longer keep up what was probably just a facade. I see couples and crave what they have. I dream of the cuddles, the conversations and how two people make life a more beautiful experience for each other. 

I know I should be grateful I have access to education and that I made it into a good university, but it’s hard to be. I feel like I’ve lost touch with myself, and all I’m ever doing is worrying and trying to meet the next deadline and feeling shitty about myself. Anything that I do that’s not studying just feels like I’m not putting my time to good use. I no longer have the energy to even think about the issues/causes I used to care so much about. Every day just feels like fighting in a losing battle.

I can’t quite control this lonely, desperate heart of mine. I fall too easily, and this time, my heart has set its sights on you. This heart of mine, it behaves like a rebellious child, going about as if there are no consequences to its foolish acts. Sure, having feelings for you excites me, and gives me something to look forward to, and brightens some of these dull experiences we go through in life. I thought it’d be harmless, or perhaps even beneficial, to have something simple to look forward to that so easily lifts my mood without cost.

But at the end of the day, a crush is a crush. Feelings are still feelings, and when you catch them, you’d still wish these feelings were returned at the end of the day. And when they aren’t returned...... well, this is the result. Writing that will never be seen by the one it is aimed towards, and the heart-wrenching longing for more than this, more than just admiring you from afar. Not so harmless after all, is it? Is it still as fun? Was it truly without cost? I don’t think so.