hmm

transcript under the readmore

i'm too embarrassed to send this. And i'm not looking for pity or anything, just advice on how to get back to the changes i was making and to truly change so i don't keep falling for male validation. I want to be like all those other radfems who truly don't care about what men think and stay true to their boundaries.

Hi! Listen - being an involved, active feminist who lives the ideology means that there are going to be setbacks. You're human! There is no such thing as political purity, we can only strive to make decisions that align with our values as often as possible.

I think the best thing you can do right now is to step back from interacting romantically with men. To be frank, I don't think you're ready or prepared to stand your ground against the societal pressure of a heterosexual relationship or the power imbalance that comes with it. And the goal, if I'm being honest, isn't to be "ready" for it, because its an awful thing to experience, I'm just saying if pursuing men is something you're going to be doing, there is a level of fortitude necessary to not be swept along by their bullshit. The ability to hold strong boundaries against immense pressure, to step away at the first red flag, to not put your self-worth in their hands, and to be able to cut them loose even if you love them deeply.

If I was a doctor, I might prescribed a year of singleness just to get your head on your shoulders and live again in your boundaries without having them tested.

Focus on yourself and your female friends. Maybe journal about your values and how you want to live within them. And don't worry about this slip up, it happens, it sucks, but the amazing thing about ideology is that there is not a huge barrier to entry or a test to get back in. You just get to come back in, welcomed as you were before.

A few months ago, I'd stopped going on Tumblr as often and while I still considered myself febfem and a radical feminist, the only practice I did was some non-action and minimal organising with libfems. Then suddenly a guy started complimenting me a lot and asking me to meet up and stuff and, despite myself, I felt so enamoured with the concept of being desired by a man, that I ignored all the red flags and ended up being sexually assaulted.

These past few weeks I've been spending more time on radblr, trying to heal, but when a different guy showed interest in me the other day, again my instincts acted for me and I responded with excitement (and fear, though only in the back of my mind). When I recognised this, I felt so incredibly stupid. I know it's not my fault necessarily, but because it's a concept so seldomly discussed, I felt like I was the only radfem on here too "weak" to actually push past her instincts.

We have an entire group of males attempting to leverage current discourse and politics to make it impossible (bigoted/evil/"transmisogynistic") to criticize or hold them accountable on anything ever, including when they're rapists, pedophiles, abusers, etc. To the point where many of these men and their supporters believe it is worse to criticize this special class of male rather than the subject of criticism being a rapist/pedophile/abuser in the first place. (1) (2) (3)

And you expect me to believe predatory males wouldn't find such a label beneficial to opt into? Especially when, thanks to the general consensus within the trans community, has little to no barrier to entry aside from merely saying you are [x thing]? Because remember; any barriers to claiming to be [x thing] is "transemdicalist" and transmeds are transphobic!11*

Yes, sometimes a male imitating a woman is, superficially, indistinguishable from a woman. That doesn't make them the same though.

but i can still get up from that chair anytime, anywhere, kick it to the side and forget about its existence. i could still tell my ableist bullies that they should shut up because look, i can stand just fine, this was just an experiment, do you wanna try? "don't be mean to ME, i am not actually one of those!"

and certainly, they might still find me suspicious for even "wanting to sit on such a thing", but i can fucking bet their perception of me will still change. suddenly i am no longer the main target.

I think part of what is making young people lonelier, in discussing why they're increasingly isolated, is that they're so afraid of meeting someone who doesn't hold their same beliefs, and instead of being just core beliefs it is kinda ancillary shit.

It's actually okay to disagree even on social topics! Even on some political ones! But I mean, online you can start with "i love this mutual but they have a really bad/uninformed opinion about x media"

I know this is IMMEDIATELY going to be taken in bad faith, and yes babygirl, you are so right, I DO want you to go make best friends with both the KKK grand wizard AND your nearest nazi leader.

But seriously, as someone who has spent two decades doing community organization: finding ways to connect with different people is so so so important. There are people i follow here who ate 80% smart and their brain falls out of their head 20% of the time and that is GOOD FOR MY MENTAL ECOSYSTEM AND GOOD FOR LEARNING HOW TO BE A PERSON

Were you raised in healthy/stable family environment, and do you want to raise your own children?

Yes/yes

Somehow/yes

No/yes

Yes/unsure

Somehow/unsure

No/unsure

Yes/no

Somehow/no

No/no

I assume you meant somewhat