hmm

transcript under the readmore

i'm too embarrassed to send this. And i'm not looking for pity or anything, just advice on how to get back to the changes i was making and to truly change so i don't keep falling for male validation. I want to be like all those other radfems who truly don't care about what men think and stay true to their boundaries.

Hi! Listen - being an involved, active feminist who lives the ideology means that there are going to be setbacks. You're human! There is no such thing as political purity, we can only strive to make decisions that align with our values as often as possible.

I think the best thing you can do right now is to step back from interacting romantically with men. To be frank, I don't think you're ready or prepared to stand your ground against the societal pressure of a heterosexual relationship or the power imbalance that comes with it. And the goal, if I'm being honest, isn't to be "ready" for it, because its an awful thing to experience, I'm just saying if pursuing men is something you're going to be doing, there is a level of fortitude necessary to not be swept along by their bullshit. The ability to hold strong boundaries against immense pressure, to step away at the first red flag, to not put your self-worth in their hands, and to be able to cut them loose even if you love them deeply.

If I was a doctor, I might prescribed a year of singleness just to get your head on your shoulders and live again in your boundaries without having them tested.

Focus on yourself and your female friends. Maybe journal about your values and how you want to live within them. And don't worry about this slip up, it happens, it sucks, but the amazing thing about ideology is that there is not a huge barrier to entry or a test to get back in. You just get to come back in, welcomed as you were before.

A few months ago, I'd stopped going on Tumblr as often and while I still considered myself febfem and a radical feminist, the only practice I did was some non-action and minimal organising with libfems. Then suddenly a guy started complimenting me a lot and asking me to meet up and stuff and, despite myself, I felt so enamoured with the concept of being desired by a man, that I ignored all the red flags and ended up being sexually assaulted.

These past few weeks I've been spending more time on radblr, trying to heal, but when a different guy showed interest in me the other day, again my instincts acted for me and I responded with excitement (and fear, though only in the back of my mind). When I recognised this, I felt so incredibly stupid. I know it's not my fault necessarily, but because it's a concept so seldomly discussed, I felt like I was the only radfem on here too "weak" to actually push past her instincts.

We have an entire group of males attempting to leverage current discourse and politics to make it impossible (bigoted/evil/"transmisogynistic") to criticize or hold them accountable on anything ever, including when they're rapists, pedophiles, abusers, etc. To the point where many of these men and their supporters believe it is worse to criticize this special class of male rather than the subject of criticism being a rapist/pedophile/abuser in the first place. (1) (2) (3)

And you expect me to believe predatory males wouldn't find such a label beneficial to opt into? Especially when, thanks to the general consensus within the trans community, has little to no barrier to entry aside from merely saying you are [x thing]? Because remember; any barriers to claiming to be [x thing] is "transemdicalist" and transmeds are transphobic!11*

Yes, sometimes a male imitating a woman is, superficially, indistinguishable from a woman. That doesn't make them the same though.

but i can still get up from that chair anytime, anywhere, kick it to the side and forget about its existence. i could still tell my ableist bullies that they should shut up because look, i can stand just fine, this was just an experiment, do you wanna try? "don't be mean to ME, i am not actually one of those!"

and certainly, they might still find me suspicious for even "wanting to sit on such a thing", but i can fucking bet their perception of me will still change. suddenly i am no longer the main target.

I think part of what is making young people lonelier, in discussing why they're increasingly isolated, is that they're so afraid of meeting someone who doesn't hold their same beliefs, and instead of being just core beliefs it is kinda ancillary shit.

It's actually okay to disagree even on social topics! Even on some political ones! But I mean, online you can start with "i love this mutual but they have a really bad/uninformed opinion about x media"

I know this is IMMEDIATELY going to be taken in bad faith, and yes babygirl, you are so right, I DO want you to go make best friends with both the KKK grand wizard AND your nearest nazi leader.

But seriously, as someone who has spent two decades doing community organization: finding ways to connect with different people is so so so important. There are people i follow here who ate 80% smart and their brain falls out of their head 20% of the time and that is GOOD FOR MY MENTAL ECOSYSTEM AND GOOD FOR LEARNING HOW TO BE A PERSON

Were you raised in healthy/stable family environment, and do you want to raise your own children?

Yes/yes

Somehow/yes

No/yes

Yes/unsure

Somehow/unsure

No/unsure

Yes/no

Somehow/no

No/no

I assume you meant somewhat

Listen, an artist drawing something is a form of expression yes, but it is also a form of communication. You’re not just showing when you draw, you’re telling. And when all you draw is incest/child porn/rape/whatever, it’s very telling to those who actually perpetrate these real life crimes that what they do is looked upon with a good eye, that its normal, and accepted. 

-Existing child pornography may be used to desensitize children and normalize sexual activity in an effort by offenders to engage in sexual abuse or create new child pornography. -Child pornography can be the gateway to hands-on child sexual abuse, or may be used by sex offenders to reduce their inhibitions and prepare themselves to offend.

Just because it’s drawn does not make it free game. It’s called simulated child pornography, and while the legality of it is still a toss up in most places, the impact is the same.

And ignoring that huge, blaring picture? What really is your argument on drawing child porn. Look at what you drew, maybe imagine it with REAL children and REAL adults and please tell me any argument you might have that makes it okay other than “I can draw what I want”. Especially when an adult character and is aged down to be a child. There is no argument there at all, no “oh they look young in the original media”. You wanted to see a child in a sexual situation, plain and simple. That’s what people see. That’s what victims see. That’s what abusers see. That’s what future abusers see.

Like yeah, obviously nobody wants to have every single one of their actions be internalized by others... but that's what happens, especially with young girls.

The choice to not get plastic surgery is a non-action. It saves you thousands of dollars, weeks of recovery, and the inevitability of having to spend even more money on touch-ups later because every procedure fades. You are choosing to sink ridiculous amounts of money into an endless pursuit of beauty that, if even achieved at all, will only last for so long.

We all age, we all change, we all gain and lose weight. It is ultimately healthier for your mental and physical health to stop chasing unattainable beauty. That's only part of why we say plastic surgery isn't feminist, but its relevant here.

not the specific article i was looking for but literally dozens of different RECENT ones.

DOZENS OF DIFFERENT OCCURRENCES RECENTLY !!!

this is not a video game. this is your body, which is inexorably linked to your survival.

“beauty is pain.” debatable, but, hey! beauty isn’t death, so.

"I notice you have a very specific art style."

"oh that doesn't mean anything"

Shit, look at how many popular memes with Black folks either depict us negatively, or the Black origin gets completely erased if not (think tik-tok dances, etc.). Half the time we ain't even looking at the absence of us, we're looking at them dancing in the skin off the corpse of what we made.

Wanna really put yourself into hell? Start counting how many BIPOC are showing up to your "community events". Start figuring out what the demographic ratios for your events are. Its one thing to think "oh we had a 120+ person event with a dozen people of color" its another to think "our event was only 10% people of color, where did WE fuck up here?" (If you think I'm exaggerating know that gods I am not, just ask DC and the DC Klans Picnic, 5% Black in a 50% Black city)

You HAVE to start noticing this. You have to start thinking about this in your online spaces too because of the BIPOC Attention Tax. This shit actively holds us back. This shit actively kills us - look at Tinu and Fiqah (sassycrass) who died despite being well known, well loved Black women and disability activists, because they couldn't make enough mutual aid to pay for medical needs.