the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

Sometimes, what you need to do is literally ask for a refill. I know that can be scary and upsetting and requires you to be willing to be vulnerable, but please consider two things:

One: if what you want to do is be able to fill other people's cups, you can't fill from an empty cup. You literally can't do the work if you're emptied out. You need to do this so you can help.

Two: for the people that love you, the people that really matter, you aren't imposing on them by asking for a refill. This is one of the things I really internalized from coming home to Judaism: when someone asks me to help them, they're giving me the opportunity to perform a mitzvah. No matter your belief system or outlook, I think we can probably all agree that being given an opportunity to be more awesome is pretty great.

So ask. Here are a few scripts you can try.

"Hey, I am...

... having a bad day.

... really struggling.

... really hurting because of the state of the world.

... having a hard time focusing on positive things.

... feeling emptied out.

Could you please help me? I could really use...

... some company.

... to hear about something beautiful you saw today.

... to hear some good news.

... to see a picture of your pet.

... to be told something you like about me.

... to be reminded of something I do that you like.

... your silliest new meme.

... to go for a walk with you.

... to hear about your favorite show.

... a hug."

I have genuinely never asked my friends to love me a little bit louder and gotten anything but an outpouring of support.

I need to remind people they too can ask me for a refill.

This is a free pattern! But if you'd really like to exchange money for it, please consider making a donation you can afford to your local mutual aid group; my go-to here in Minneapolis is the Sanctuary Supply Depot.

NOTE: This iteration will yield a medium-short scarf, as it was designed to a gauge of 20 stitches x 30 rows = 4” square based on stockinette. Since illusion knits are partially garter stitch, the sample gauge yielded 20 stitches x 34 rows = 4”square. Stay tuned for corrections in future iterations. But also, the gauge can be off by quite a lot and the text will remain legible, so I wouldn't worry about being exact.

NEEDLES: US 7 / 4.5mm

YARN: Worsted weight in two, high-contrast colors. Sample uses

Lion Brand Mandala Ombre in 205 “Tranquil” for the Field Color

Loops and Threads Impeccable in “Charcoal”for the Text Color

ABBREVIATIONS

K = Knit with Field Color

P = Purl with Field Color

k = Knit with Text Color

p = Purl with Text Color

Odd numbered rows are Right Side rows and are always knit stitches all the way across. Even numbered rows are Wrong Side rows. Color changes every 2 rows; if you've finished a stripe in the Text Color, the number of the row you just worked should be a multiple of 4.

DIRECTIONS

Cast on 40 in Field Color

ROW 1, K 40

ROW 2, K 40

ROW 3, k 40

ROW 4, p 40

ROW 5, K 40

ROW 6, K 40

ROW 7, k 40

ROW 8, p 40

ROW 9, K 40

ROW 10, K 40

ROW 11, k 40

ROW 12, p 29, k 1, p 10

ROW 13, K 40

ROW 14, K 23, P 7, K 10

ROW 15, k 40

ROW 16, p 17, k 13, p 10

ROW 17, K 40

ROW 18, K 11, P 19, K 10

ROW 19, k 40

ROW 20, p 10, k 20, p 10

ROW 21, K 40

ROW 22, K 10, P 17, K 13

ROW 23, k 40

ROW 24, p 10, k 12, p 18

ROW 25, K 40

ROW 26, K 10, P 4, K 3, P 5, K 18

ROW 27, k 40

ROW 28, p 10, k 4, p 3, k 5, p 18

ROW 29, K 40

ROW 30, K 10, P 4, K 3, P 5, K 18

ROW 31, k 40

ROW 32, p 10, k 4, p 3, k 5, p 18

ROW 33, K 40

ROW 34, K 10, P 4, K 3, P 5, K 18

ROW 35, k 40

ROW 36, p 10, k 4, p 3, k 5, p 18

ROW 37, K 40

ROW 38, K 10, P 4, K 3, P 2, K 21

ROW 39, k 40

ROW 40, p 10, k 3, p 27

ROW 41, K 40

ROW 42, K 40

ROW 43, k 40

ROW 44, p 16, k 11, p 13

ROW 45, K 40

ROW 46, K 10, P 18, K 12

ROW 47, k 40

ROW 48, p 10, k 19, p 11

ROW 49, K 40

ROW 50, K 10, P 20, K 10

ROW 51, k 40

ROW 52, p 10, k 10, p 4, k 6, p 10

ROW 53, K 40

ROW 54, K 10, P 4, K 11, P 5, K 10

ROW 55, k 40

ROW 56, p 25, k 5, p 10

ROW 57, K 40

ROW 58, K 25, P 5, K 10

ROW 59, k 40

ROW 60, p 24, k 6, p 10

ROW 61, K 40

ROW 62, K 20, P 9, K 11

ROW 63, k 40

ROW 64, p 14, k 15, p 11

ROW 65, K 40

ROW 66, K 10, P 18, K 12

ROW 67, k 40

ROW 68, p 10, k 16, p 14

ROW 69, K 40

ROW 70, K 10, P 13, K 17

ROW 71, k 40

ROW 72, p 10, k 8, p 22

ROW 73, K 40

ROW 74, K 10, P 2, K 28

ROW 75, k 40

ROW 76, p 40

ROW 77, K 40

ROW 78, K 16, P 10, K 14

ROW 79, k 40

ROW 80, p 14, k 14, p 12

ROW 81, K 40

ROW 82, K 12, P 17, K 11

ROW 83, k 40

ROW 84, p 11, k 18, p 11

ROW 85, K 40

ROW 86, K 10, P 9, K 5, P 6, K 10

ROW 87, k 40

ROW 88, p 10, k 6, p 9, k 5, p 10

ROW 89, K 40

ROW 90, K 10, P 5, K 10, P 5, K 10

ROW 91, k 40

ROW 92, p 9, k 5, p 11, k 5, p 10

ROW 93, K 40

ROW 94, K 9, P 5, K 10, P 6, K 10

ROW 95, k 40

ROW 96, p 9, k 5, p 8, k 7, p 11

ROW 97, K 40

ROW 98, K 10, P 7, K 5, P 7, K 11

ROW 99, k 40

ROW 100, p 10, k 7, p 5, k 6, p 12

ROW 101, K 40

ROW 102, K 11, P 6, K 5, P 4, K 14

ROW 103, k 40

ROW 104, p 12, k 4, p 7, k 1, p 16

ROW 105, K 40

ROW 106, K 15, P 1, K 24

ROW 107, k 40

ROW 108, p 26, k 4, p 10

ROW 109, K 40

ROW 110, K 20, P 10, K 10

ROW 111, k 40

ROW 112, p 13, k 17, p 10

ROW 113, K 40

ROW 114, K 10, P 20, K 10

ROW 115, k 40

ROW 116, p 10, k 20, p 10

ROW 117, K 40

ROW 118, K 10, P 14, K 16

ROW 119, k 40

ROW 120, p 10, k 13, p 17

ROW 121, K 40

ROW 122, K 10, P 1, K 5, P 6, K 18

ROW 123, k 40

ROW 124, p 15, k 6, p 19

ROW 125, K 40

ROW 126, K 13, P 11, K 16

ROW 127, k 40

ROW 128, p 12, k 15, p 13

ROW 129, K 40

ROW 130, K 11, P 19, K 10

ROW 131, k 40

ROW 132, p 10, k 6, p 3, k 11, p 10

ROW 133, K 40

ROW 134, K 10, P 5, K 7, P 8, K 10

ROW 135, k 40

ROW 136, p 10, k 4, p 11, k 5, p 10

ROW 137, K 40

ROW 138, K 10, P 3, K 14, P 3, K 10

ROW 139, k 40

ROW 140, p 10, k 2, p 28

ROW 141, K 40

ROW 142, K 10, P 1, K 29

ROW 143, k 40

ROW 144, p 40

ROW 145, K 40

ROW 146, K 40

ROW 147, k 40

ROW 148, p 40

ROW 149, K 40

ROW 150, K 40

ROW 151, k 40

ROW 152, p 40

ROW 153, K 40

ROW 154, K 40

ROW 155, k 40

ROW 156, p 29, k 1, p 10

ROW 157, K 40

ROW 158, K 23, P 7, K 10

ROW 159, k 40

ROW 160, p 17, k 13, p 10

ROW 161, K 40

ROW 162, K 10, P 20, K 10

ROW 163, k 40

ROW 164, p 10, k 20, p 10

ROW 165, K 40

ROW 166, K 10, P 17, K 13

ROW 167, k 40

ROW 168, p 10, k 11, p 19

ROW 169, K 40

ROW 170, K 10, P 5, K 25

ROW 171, k 40

ROW 172, p 40

ROW 173, K 40

ROW 174, K 19, P 5, K 16

ROW 175, k 40

ROW 176, p 15, k 12, p 13

ROW 177, K 40

ROW 178, K 13, P 15, K 12

ROW 179, k 40

ROW 180, p 12, k 17, p 11

ROW 181, K 40

ROW 182, K 11, P 19, K 10

ROW 183, k 40

ROW 184, p 10, k 8, p 7, k 5, p 10

ROW 185, K 40

ROW 186, K 10, P 5, K 10, P 5, K 10

ROW 187, k 40

ROW 188, p 9, k 5, p 11, k 5, p 10

ROW 189, K 40

ROW 190, K 9, P 5, K 11, P 5, K 10

ROW 191, k 40

ROW 192, p 9, k 5, p 10, k 5, p 11

ROW 193, K 40

ROW 194, K 10, P 5, K 7, P 7, K 11

ROW 195, k 40

ROW 196, p 10, k 7, p 5, k 6, p 12

ROW 197, K 40

ROW 198, K 10, P 7, K 5, P 5, K 13

ROW 199, k 40

ROW 200, p 11, k 5, p 6, k 4, p 14

ROW 201, K 40

ROW 202, K 13, P 3, K 24

ROW 203, k 40

ROW 204, p 40

ROW 205, K 40

ROW 206, K 23, P 7, K 10

ROW 207, k 40

ROW 208, p 17, k 13, p 10

ROW 209, K 40

ROW 210, K 11, P 19, K 10

ROW 211, k 40

ROW 212, p 10, k 20, p 10

ROW 213, K 40

ROW 214, K 10, P 20, K 10

ROW 215, k 40

ROW 216, p 10, k 11, p 4, k 5, p 10

ROW 217, K 40

ROW 218, K 10, P 5, K 2, P 4, K 4, P 5, K 10

ROW 219, k 40

ROW 220, p 10, k 4, p 3, k 4, p 4, k 5, p 10

ROW 221, K 40

ROW 222, K 10, P 4, K 3, P 4, K 4, P 5, K 10

ROW 223, k 40

ROW 224, p 10, k 4, p 3, k 4, p 4, k 5, p 10

ROW 225, K 40

ROW 226, K 10, P 4, K 3, P 4, K 4, P 5, K 10

ROW 227, k 40

ROW 228, p 10, k 4, p 3, k 4, p 4, k 5, p 10

ROW 229, K 40

ROW 230, K 10, P 4, K 3, P 4, K 4, P 3, K 12

ROW 231, k 40

ROW 232, p 10, k 4, p 26

ROW 233, K 40

ROW 234, K 10, P 2, K 17, P 1, K 10

ROW 235, k 40

ROW 236, p 24, k 6, p 10

ROW 237, K 40

ROW 238, K 17, P 6, K 1, P 6, K 10

ROW 239, k 40

ROW 240, p 10, k 13, p 1, k 6, p 10

ROW 241, K 40

ROW 242, K 10, P 13, K 1, P 6, K 10

ROW 243, k 40

ROW 244, p 10, k 11, p 19

ROW 245, K 40

ROW 246, K 10, P 7, K 23

ROW 247, k 40

ROW 248, p 10, k 2, p 28

ROW 249, K 40

ROW 250, K 40

ROW 251, k 40

ROW 252, p 40

ROW 253, K 40

ROW 254, K 40

ROW 255, k 40

ROW 256, p 40

ROW 257, K 40

ROW 258, K 40

ROW 259, k 40

ROW 260, p 40

ROW 261, K 40

ROW 262, K 40

ROW 263, k 40

ROW 264, p 24, k 6, p 10

ROW 265, K 40

ROW 266, K 18, P 12, K 10

ROW 267, k 40

ROW 268, p 12, k 18, p 10

ROW 269, K 40

ROW 270, K 10, P 20, K 10

ROW 271, k 40

ROW 272, p 10, k 18, p 12

ROW 273, K 40

ROW 274, K 10, P 12, K 18

ROW 275, k 40

ROW 276, p 10, k 6, p 24

ROW 277, K 40

ROW 278, K 40

ROW 279, k 40

ROW 280, p 40

ROW 281, K 40

ROW 282, K 16, P 10, K 14

ROW 283, k 40

ROW 284, p 14, k 14, p 12

ROW 285, K 40

ROW 286, K 12, P 17, K 11

ROW 287, k 40

ROW 288, p 11, k 18, p 11

ROW 289, K 40

ROW 290, K 10, P 9, K 5, P 6, K 10

ROW 291, k 40

ROW 292, p 10, k 6, p 9, k 5, p 10

ROW 293, K 40

ROW 294, K 10, P 5, K 10, P 5, K 10

ROW 295, k 40

ROW 296, p 9, k 5, p 11, k 5, p 10

ROW 297, K 40

ROW 298, K 9, P 5, K 10, P 6, K 10

ROW 299, k 40

ROW 300, p 9, k 5, p 8, k 7, p 11

ROW 301, K 40

ROW 302, K 10, P 7, K 5, P 7, K 11

ROW 303, k 40

ROW 304, p 10, k 7, p 5, k 6, p 12

ROW 305, K 40

ROW 306, K 11, P 6, K 5, P 4, K 14

ROW 307, k 40

ROW 308, p 12, k 4, p 7, k 1, p 16

ROW 309, K 40

ROW 310, K 40

ROW 311, k 40

ROW 312, p 25, k 5, p 10

ROW 313, K 40

ROW 314, K 19, P 11, K 10

ROW 315, k 40

ROW 316, p 12, k 18, p 10

ROW 317, K 40

ROW 318, K 10, P 20, K 10

ROW 319, k 40

ROW 320, p 10, k 20, p 10

ROW 321, K 40

ROW 322, K 10, P 12, K 3, P 5, K 10

ROW 323, k 40

ROW 324, p 10, k 6, p 1, k 4, p 4, k 5, p 10

ROW 325, K 40

ROW 326, K 10, P 4, K 3, P 4, K 4, P 5, K 10

ROW 327, k 40

ROW 328, p 10, k 4, p 3, k 4, p 4, k 5, p 10

ROW 329, K 40

ROW 330, K 10, P 4, K 3, P 4, K 4, P 5, K 10

ROW 331, k 40

ROW 332, p 10, k 4, p 3, k 4, p 4, k 5, p 10

ROW 333, K 40

ROW 334, K 10, P 4, K 3, P 4, K 4, P 5, K 10

ROW 335, k 40

ROW 336, p 10, k 4, p 3, k 4, p 4, k 5, p 10

ROW 337, K 40

ROW 338, K 10, P 4, K 3, P 1, K 22

ROW 339, k 40

ROW 340, p 10, k 4, p 26

ROW 341, K 40

ROW 342, K 40

ROW 343, k 40

ROW 344, p 40

ROW 345, K 40

ROW 346, K 40

ROW 347, k 40

ROW 348, p 40

ROW 349, K 40

ROW 350, K 40

ROW 351, k 40

ROW 352, p 40

ROW 353, K 40

ROW 354, K 40

ROW 355, k 40

ROW 356, p 40

ROW 357, K 40

ROW 358, K 16, P 10, K 14

ROW 359, k 40

ROW 360, p 14, k 14, p 12

ROW 361, K 40

ROW 362, K 12, P 17, K 11

ROW 363, k 40

ROW 364, p 11, k 18, p 11

ROW 365, K 40

ROW 366, K 11, P 8, K 5, P 6, K 10

ROW 367, k 40

ROW 368, p 10, k 6, p 9, k 5, p 10

ROW 369, K 40

ROW 370, K 10, P 5, K 10, P 5, K 10

ROW 371, k 40

ROW 372, p 9, k 5, p 11, k 5, p 10

ROW 373, K 40

ROW 374, K 9, P 5, K 11, P 5, K 10

ROW 375, k 40

ROW 376, p 9, k 5, p 9, k 6, p 11

ROW 377, K 40

ROW 378, K 10, P 6, K 4, P 9, K 11

ROW 379, k 40

ROW 380, p 10, k 18, p 12

ROW 381, K 40

ROW 382, K 10, P 17, K 13

ROW 383, k 40

ROW 384, p 11, k 14, p 15

ROW 385, K 40

ROW 386, K 13, P 10, K 17

ROW 387, k 40

ROW 388, p 40

ROW 389, K 40

ROW 390, K 40

ROW 391, k 40

ROW 392, p 22, k 1, p 17

ROW 393, K 40

ROW 394, K 15, P 12, K 13

ROW 395, k 40

ROW 396, p 10, k 18, p 12

ROW 397, K 40

ROW 398, K 10, P 19, K 11

ROW 399, k 40

ROW 400, p 10, k 20, p 10

ROW 401, K 40

ROW 402, K 10, P 9, K 5, P 6, K 10

ROW 403, k 40

ROW 404, p 10, k 2, p 13, k 5, p 10

ROW 405, K 40

ROW 406, K 25, P 5, K 10

ROW 407, k 40

ROW 408, p 24, k 6, p 10

ROW 409, K 40

ROW 410, K 23, P 7, K 10

ROW 411, k 40

ROW 412, p 19, k 10, p 11

ROW 413, K 40

ROW 414, K 12, P 17, K 11

ROW 415, k 40

ROW 416, p 10, k 18, p 12

ROW 417, K 40

ROW 418, K 10, P 16, K 14

ROW 419, k 40

ROW 420, p 10, k 12, p 18

ROW 421, K 40

ROW 422, K 10, P 6, K 24

ROW 423, k 40

ROW 424, p 40

ROW 425, K 40

ROW 426, K 40

ROW 427, k 40

ROW 428, p 10, k 5, p 25

ROW 429, K 40

ROW 430, K 10, P 5, K 25

ROW 431, k 40

ROW 432, p 10, k 5, p 12, k 3, p 10

ROW 433, K 40

ROW 434, K 10, P 5, K 6, P 9, K 10

ROW 435, k 40

ROW 436, p 10, k 20, p 10

ROW 437, K 40

ROW 438, K 10, P 20, K 10

ROW 439, k 40

ROW 440, p 10, k 20, p 10

ROW 441, K 40

ROW 442, K 10, P 14, K 16

ROW 443, k 40

ROW 444, p 10, k 8, p 22

ROW 445, K 40

ROW 446, K 10, P 5, K 25

ROW 447, k 40

ROW 448, p 10, k 5, p 25

ROW 449, K 40

ROW 450, K 10, P 5, K 25

ROW 451, k 40

ROW 452, p 10, k 5, p 25

ROW 453, K 40

ROW 454, K 10, P 5, K 14, P 1, K 10

ROW 455, k 40

ROW 456, p 10, k 1, p 13, k 6, p 10

ROW 457, K 40

ROW 458, K 16, P 7, K 1, P 6, K 10

ROW 459, k 40

ROW 460, p 10, k 13, p 1, k 6, p 10

ROW 461, K 40

ROW 462, K 10, P 13, K 1, P 6, K 10

ROW 463, k 40

ROW 464, p 10, k 10, p 20

ROW 465, K 40

ROW 466, K 10, P 7, K 23

ROW 467, k 40

ROW 468, p 10, k 2, p 28

ROW 469, K 40

ROW 470, K 40

ROW 471, k 40

ROW 472, p 40

ROW 473, K 40

ROW 474, K 40

ROW 475, k 40

ROW 476, p 40

ROW 477, K 40

ROW 478, K 40

ROW 479, k 40

And now at our table my mom explained this because it was my first time going, and she wanted to make sure to warn me it was liquor because she knows I don't drink- she just said "if he offers to shoot at your mouth, say no because it's alcohol".

And so the chef does his thing and it's all very impressive, but the time does come where he pulls out this squeeze bottle of booze and asks me if I wanna try

I of course say no, because I really don't do alcohol, so he moves on to someone else

And I watch, and slowly come to understand that this is some sort of game, because once someone is drinking from the continuous flow the chef starts counting "ONE! TWO! THREE!"

I realize that we're trying to see who can keep drinking the liquor from three feet away without choking or spilling, and its a bummer cause i kinda wanna try and I CAN'T

But he goes around the table with everyone there, and I think my mom makes it to three, one friend makes it to five, I think my brother got to three as well, and he comes back to me

And I'm REALLY bummed out now but I will not drink alcohol, so I sort of sadly repeat that I can't when he pulls out a SECOND BOTTLE and grins and goes "juice?"

And Im like FUCK YEAH LET'S GO and I'm a bit worried he's gonna spray it into my eye or something but he doesn't, it hits me right at the back of the throat, and I start drinking while the whole fucking table counts "ONE! TWO! THREE!"

And like

It just sorta

Kept going?

And Im looking at the chef and he starts freaking out by the time we get to six, and at around seven I kinda start looking around and my auntie is staring back in shock, my brother is laughing his ass off and my mom has her face in her hands

And then at like nine or ten it gets like. Super tense and quiet, and only the chef is still counting

And I guess it got too much for even him cause we're at eleven and I don't believe in quitting early and it is almost painful how awkward it's getting

So he cuts me off at twelve and raises his hands in the air and everyone else cheers and claps like a dumb movie

and I just sit back in my seat to look back at my mother staring at me surrounded by everyone she knows, bright fucking red in the face and choking with honest to god tears in her eyes and she puts her face back in her palms and starts chanting "I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't want to know"

So I give her the biggest, proudest grin and tell her, "I won."

So now every time something suggestive happens in a movie, or in conversation, or something shocking happens around us and she goes to jokingly cover my ears, I just ask her, "Remember when I won?" And she goes face-down and groans, because I know EXACTLY how she thinks I trained to develop that particular skill and she HATES knowing that about me

The truth is though, I'm a whole ass 28 year old virgin. I've never so much as kissed anyone in my life. I had no idea I could do that trick until that exact moment

he starts giving a speech about how we’re going to destroy the entire british empire and end colonialism once and for all and we’re going to start a new self-governing society outside of the constraints of imperialism and I believe him

I have several centuries of hindsight on my side, but I still listen to this man in 1715 saying he’s going to end the british empire and I think yes you will! 

and of course, Flint’s ability to rouse and rally people to his cause, to talk them around to his side, recurs over and over throughout. to a point that elevates him near godhood. but you never think, oh that’s not realistic. you never think, why are they listening to him. you never think, yeah okay but if they just acted rationally then—

because you. sitting on your couch. in the 21st century. even with the full knowledge of history and also the plot of black sails because you’ve seen it before. 

Shane Hollander is fantastic autistic representation in general, but something that I really appreciate is the fact that Heated Rivalry is probably the first time in mainstream media that I personally have ever seen an autistic character portrayed as being sexual.

I think, as an autistic person, I've only ever seen autistic characters being portrayed as sexless, because non-autistic people assume we're all like that. Asexual autistics exist and they are my siblings and I love them deeply; that's not the problem. The problem is automatically being perceived that way by non-autistics. It's a stereotype rooted in the long history of autistic people (and disabled people in general) being infantalised.

So to have Shane Hollander, who is not only sexually active, but also (and this is a compliment) a freaky little slut is so refreshing. I love that Shane is an autistic freaky little slut. Because, yes! Autistic people can have sex! Shocking!

And what's better is that even though Shane is submissive, he's always treated both by Ilya and the narrative as an adult. He loves to be bossed about by Ilya and he loves to be gently bullied, but throughout it all, he's always respected and treated fairly. He is treated like an adult.

I think, in the beginning, that was likely one of the appeals to Shane about Ilya. At the start of the story, the two people he's closest to are his parents, and while David and Yuna are great, they're his parents, they still see him as their little boy, even as he's drafted into the NHL (sorry, the "MLH"). Yuna also doubles as Shane's manager, and she's obviously very protective of him. They never baby him in any way, but there's always that underlining... y'know, he's their baby, right?

With Ilya? He's just Shane. Being around Ilya was likely the first time Shane got to be someone outside of his parents' baby boy (and of course Mr. Canadian Hockey Dream Star).