ok so this ask blew my mind. like i knew all of these things on some level of course. i've just never quite threaded them together this way. compelling.
also. also i have something to add here. it's gonna be subjective but hear me out. cause as soon i processed this post, i thought "what is happening in jud's brain here?"
i truly don't think he's like "hehe i'm getting away with it >:)"
i also don't think he's "no thoughts head empty", exactly.
cause every concretely shitty thing he does, he feels really bad for. he feels so so bad you guys! haven't you seen the puppy eyes?!
and the guilt is very genuine. but man is it misplaced.
jud is very focused on personal responsibility. and everything that he does and everything that's done to him is filtered through this framework.
but he is clinically incapable of zooming out and thinking in systemic terms. of seeing that he's not just causing harm, he's perpetuating it.
which is how he can think he's morally responsible for every evil in the world and constantly hold himself on trial for it... while blissfully continuing to benefit from the protection the church affords him.
i keep coming back to how jud talks about killing a man. he's not still tearing himself apart over it, and neither does he avoid thinking or talking about it. he's actually coping pretty well, and doing it with admirable integrity.
but. the framing. the person he was, to be capable of that. the sin he committed, the emotional turmoil that drove him to that point. but he's better, now. he has dedicated his life to being better than the worst thing he's done.
and i'm sitting here thinking, that's great, but man, you were seventeen. that's astonishing. how many adults would have had to fail you, for it to get to that point? just how thoroughly did the system crush you?
and he doesn't think about that. can't think about it, maybe.
(there's also a tangent here about aa&na, which i think he has definitely gone to in the aftermath. and that type of thing is good at teaching accountability and giving people back their agency, while doing nothing to deal with addiction on a societial level.)
enter benoit "all the while, and still, hiding its own shameful acts" blanc.
of course he gets really angry about the flask. he sees the pattern.
but something cool also happens in that confrontation scene: jud, after attempting to make excuses for a bit, apologizes, and blanc doesn't accept that apology. not because he's cruel, or because the apology isn't good enough, but because for blanc it's not the point. his language is different: "you didn't think. now you understand what we're up against." he doesn't center guilt and redemption, he centers seeing the bigger picture.
and what's fun as well is, if you tried to take the guilt away from him, jud might be affronted. he might be like you can't do that, that guilt's foundational! me keeping myself in check this way is what keeps me from hurting people!
babyboy, it demonstrably does not.
