I think in some ways, exploring your identity is like trying on clothes.
You might know what suits you, you might have a basic style that is easy and simple, and some people are perfectly comfortable with just that.
But others just wear the things they’ve been told to wear, or the things that are easy to wear, but it doesn’t feel like their own style. And they can’t really try out different styles because they can’t afford it, or their caretakers are strict about what they should be wearing, or they’re worried about being judged.
But they look at other people wearing those styles and they feel a sense of admiration. Maybe they are even envious that other people can wear it so well.
So once they are able to, they try it for themselves, they go out and wear that style. And sometimes it works and they can finally adopt the style and wear it happily and proudly.
But sometimes it doesn’t quite work that way. Maybe they realise they liked seeing it on other people but it’s not a good fit for themselves, it doesn’t feel quite right. Or maybe the change is too drastic and donning the whole outfit all at once feels like wearing a costume.
So you wary it up. You try accessories first, different makeup, single articles of clothing, adding more every now and again and growing comfortable with it. Until finally the transformation is complete and you look in the mirror and you can finally see yourself the way you want to be seen.
… or not. Maybe you put in all the work and time and effort and it still doesn’t feel right. You’re comfortable, it’s not wrong, but it’s not your style still.
So you keep trying different things. And it might take you more then ten or twenty years into adulthood before you find your style, but once you do, once it is yours and it feels right, it will all have been worth it.
Some people see a style and it’s exactly what they want to be like. Some see a style and love parts of it, but not the whole thing. They wear some of its key accessories, but personalise the rest, into something that feels more like it is their own.
But even once you have found your style, you can’t wear it everywhere. You don’t wear it to work, or to important appointments. You might not even wear it when you visit your family, might not even mention it. Because you feel that they won’t understand, or be upset, because it’s not what they wanted for you, or they hate that style, and you’re too scared to tell them its what you like to wear.
Some people are so scared of that rejection that they only look at these clothes from afar and never try them on for themselves.
And finally, styles can change. What you were comfortable with before can no longer feel right, because you’ve changed, grown out of it, or feel that you’ve grown into something else. Sometimes you hope to grow into something so you wear it early, and eventually it does fit, or sometimes you realise it wasn’t going to after all.
And people question you. “I thought you were goth. You told me you were goth.” But you’re not goth anymore. Nothing wrong with being goth, it’s still a style you love, but it’s not you anymore.
And all of that is valid.
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