i paint stuff.

there is comfort to be found in painting faces you've become familiar with over the years

close-up

burnout

i painted this in february, weeks before attempting to kill myself (twice, didn't work because i can't do anything right and that includes dying apparently). destroyed a bunch of my paintings (well canvas prints lol) and art books. at the time barely moved off the couch for two weeks. getting anywhere near my studio gave me panic attacks. i'm just so scared and so tired all the time. i'm still here but tbh i don't really want to be. i don't want anyone feeling sorry for me though. this is just the way i am and always have been. i can't remember not wanting to die, i don't know if that will ever change. i lost my dog, now i have no reason to force myself to even get out of the house. i still paint, maybe too much, i don't really do anything else. people ask me how do i paint fast but i really don't, i just paint all the time because that's the only thing that still brings me joy and makes me feel not as useless (and it's my job too). i love my family but they'd be better off without me. i just hang onto painting because it feels like some kind of a life support i guess

burnout

i painted this in february, weeks before attempting to kill myself (twice, didn't work because i can't do anything right and that includes dying apparently). destroyed a bunch of my paintings (well canvas prints lol) and art books. at the time barely moved off the couch for two weeks. getting anywhere near my studio gave me panic attacks. i'm just so scared and so tired all the time. i'm still here but tbh i don't really want to be. i don't want anyone feeling sorry for me though. this is just the way i am and always have been. i can't remember not wanting to die, i don't know if that will ever change. i lost my dog, now i have no reason to force myself to even get out of the house. i still paint, maybe too much, i don't really do anything else. people ask me how do i paint fast but i really don't, i just paint all the time because that's the only thing that still brings me joy and makes me feel not as useless (and it's my job too). i love my family but they'd be better off without me. i just hang onto painting because it feels like some kind of a life support i guess

a little study piece

it's no one specific, i deliberately kept focus on just the gesture and the textures so feel free to thinks of this as whoever you want :')

rinse and repeat