Professional Lurker

how does it feel to be the funniest person on earth

As the OP of this post, I’m going to threaten that if this gets to one million notes by the 10 year anniversary on 1 June 2026, one year from today, I will get a lower back tattoo of the loch ness bear monster.

Y'all know what to do Tumblr.

My edo period samurai roommate keeps telling me how i’ll bring shame and dishonor to our apartment if I keep forgetting to wash the dishes. Like whatever dude, I’m not the one carrying on a passionate yet illicit affair with the daimyo’s daughter whose hand has already been promised to another.

もう大名に「真に申し訳ございませんでした」と言いましたよ！と、お前は、我の浮気を公衆に明かさないと言いました！！

Bullshit dude last night I saw you texting O-Sumire haikus comparing her to the flower which gives her her name

just saw a birth announcement thing that was like "3 inches went in. 19 inches came out" and i am on the floor in tears i'm laughing so hard what is wrong with heterosexual people

[jojo pose] count dracula. [different jojo pose] nice to meet you. [jojo walk cycle] alexa, turn down the music! [the obnoxious music doesn't change volume] mr harker

Cuntula

i think we all need to complain about LED headlights more. please can we all complain about them more. night driving is nearly impossible for me to do now without having to white knuckle my way through a thousand evil suns. every time i see those headlights in my mirrors i take 2d6 radiant damage. i want to destroy every single LED headlight under my feet like they’re goombas

how fucking arrogant can you be to think any eugenics program could ever weed out “fascist genetics”. even if the “dark triad” was a reliable precursor to fascist ideology and even if “dark triad traits” could be reliably linked to genotype (they aren’t and they can’t be), how fucking far to jupiter are you if you think you can remove it from a population of seven billion, let alone in some “anarchist” manner? how do you programmatically sterilize anyone in an “anarchist” manner?

Do you ever see some discourse float by and think “Maybe I’m not hanging out on the worst parts of Tumblr, actually”

jesus fucking christ

once again thinking about the solid snake panty lines tweet

dont let solid snakes panties distract you from solid snakes corset btw

big shoutout to the gas station near my house which is running a deal on energy drinks and thought the best way to express this on their large LED sign was to make it read BANG MONSTER 2/$5

update: you'll be pleased to know that they rethought their sign and have changed it to read MONSTER BANG 2/$5

Monster bang inflation 😵‍💫

monster bang inflation 🥺🥺🥺