Join me for a bit of the walk

shane and ilya will die if they’re not touching (“okay those two are definitely together”)

svetlana and ilya and rose go clubbing but shane goes to bed early and they come back to the hotel drunk asf, arms around eachother, dying of laughter (“oh so it’s a throuple?”)

shane and rose go on a sunrise hike and rose is leaning on shane and they’re casual huggers (“maybe those two are also dating bc no way is he cheating on the guy?”)

svetlana scolding ilya about wearing sunscreen in russian and he’s arguing back (“that sounds like wife yelling not friend yelling”)

svetlana and rose being super touchy and complimenting eachother a lot and doing eachothers hair (“oh lord they’re so hot together”)

shane holding hands with both ilya and rose (“aww that’s sweet”)

they’re eating breakfast at the hotel and they’re all feeding each other and grabbing things for each other and “try the orange juice it’s so good” and “i got you coffee” (“maybe they’re poly?”)

tips $81 no matter how small the purchase

partied/met with every celebrity from 2009 - 2016 AND has their numbers (“who’s ‘barack’ in your phone” “barack! i played golf with him you know him hollander” “barack obama?!?!?” “him! yes! michelle is so nice”)

hypochondriac (“shane i might die” “ilya it’s a paper cut don’t piss me out”)

gets PR from so many companies it just piles up in his house (he insists his house keeper take anything she wants) (svetlana got first dibs in boston)

got offered a cameo in a fast and furious movie

featured in music videos (rose tells shane about them and he watches them obsessively to see younger ilya having fun)

insane investments that make him a lot of money ALSO he has gold bars bc he’s russian (yuna and shane constantly tell him he should invest in property)

everything in his life is automated

when he forgets his ID, he googles himself to prove his age

is on so many close friends stories on instagram (shane loves looking at them)

loves to go to zoos to see the animals hates that they’re captive - would love an african lion safari (almost bought an exotic animal when shane was in the playoffs - got a tattoo instead)

constantly invited to any and all sports games in boston (sits court side at basketball games and flirts with the cheerleaders)

he’ll say he cleaned but he just tidied and now everything is lined up on the counter

snapchat menace (thirst traps (workout videos), insanely high score, when shane finds out what people are using snapchat for he's AGAST (he was sending streaks to his cousins))

chirping and lying on twitter is his favourite activity

loves dressing for the occasion = insanely diverse closet and doesn’t get rid of anything; shane goes to grab a hoodie and finds pilot costume from 7 halloweens ago

he always “knows a guy”

has an insanely popular sex playlist (people don't know it's his account)

goes to a salon for haircuts not the barbers (also gets his nails done)

he had a lost and found box for his boston hook ups

ilya's english handwriting is chicken scratch his russian is gorgeous

all the ottawa centaurs players parents love ilya and include him in everythinggggg (he's been to baby showers, he's been to weddings, he's been to graduation parties for younger siblings, he regularly attends family dinners, he's even joined on a roadtrip to niagara falls, he's visited an elementary school because some kid kept telling his class "my uncle ilya is a hockey player")

finds out people make shane hollander shirts and ends up with a collection:

the city of los angeles

the city of new york

sex

how drinking alcohol works

how getting high works

how a child of any age speaks

how nuclear physics work

how [my job] works

how debilitating being shot in the shoulder is

how hypothermia works

things I have never before seen someone fake their way through writing about, until today:

SHRIMP COCKTAIL:

banahbanah: #flashback to that one fic where Peter Parker frets about drinking shrimp cocktail because of the alcohol

generaldeliciousness: adding: what a prawn/shrimp cocktail is

#why is your character turning it down because they're under 21 #do you think prawn cocktail is a cocktail #this lives in my brain rent-free constantly #the rest of the fic was so normal #and good enough that i'll still re-read it #but bro

And then many, MANY, people wondering if this was actually authour mistake, since Peter really would do this!

POMEGRANATES:

zhajhassa: #haha where's that post that was like someone describing someone eating a pomegranate but they ate it like an apple

thornhands: #once someone wrote persephone biting into a whole Pomegranate #had to stop and stare at a wall for a minute

sungsingsanguine: I once saw someone very confidently write about a character eating slices of pomegranate.

FRUIT TREES:

zagreuses-toast: #given a very endearing glimpse into a writers blindspots by seeing them describe someone sitting under a ''pineapple tree''

salatrash: I remember something about picking watermelons... OF A FUCKING TREE

baander: #cranberry trees

DOUGH/BATTER:

maycelium: #I'm a chef so I'm really used to people not accurately describing how to cook food #But I was surprisingly flabbergasted when someone was writing making a cake and was kneading it. Which uh #Not necessary for cake. It was interesting for sure but just bizarre

livebloggingmydescentintomadness: #the one that drove me nuts was when a character set aside a batch of PASTA DOUGH 'to rise' #pasta doesn't have yeast!! #it does need to REST but it will never RISE #you do not want an airy crumb on your noodles

lovesodeepandwideandwell: #THE ONE WHERE THEY MADE COOKIES BY LADLING BATTER INTO A TRAY

Some other topics:

Ilya wins his first awards and hes got nobody he really wants to thank after his team and coach cause he he hates his family but he knows his speech is too short so on impulse he goes "And I want to thank Shane Hollander for being slightly worse than me this season". Everyone knows it was going to one of those two, so everyone thinks hes an asshole to say that but whats new so it works for him. But from then on it then becomes a bit for both of them to thank each other in their speeches in a snide way as a reason they won.

Shane winning the Art Ross Trophy (Awarded to the player who leads the league in total points at the end of the regular season). and going "special thanks to Rozanov for missing at least 5 shots this season, he was a huge help"

Ilya winning the Conn Smythe Trophy (Awarded to the most valuable player for his team in the playoffs.) "Just want to give a quick shout out to Hollander for getting knocked out in the second round this season. Must hate to see me up here."

ilya, patting his shoulder: it is okay, hollander. i know what you can do to make it up to bisexual community

shane: is it suck your—

Then he says, “I mean, the problem isn’t the gender thing. The problem is four words: she, her, he, and him. We got rid of stewardess and turned it into flight attendant. It doesn’t matter if the flight attendant is a man or woman, so we got rid of it. We just need to get rid of those. I don’t need to know.”

“You don’t need to know… people’s gender?”

“No. I don’t care, I don’t need to know, and I don’t want to remember it.”