Self Help for Myself

On a deeper level, I feel so much self hatred because I truly believe there is something inherently wrong with me. I am starting to realize that I will never be happy because my mind will not allow it. My husband does not understand this, nor does he wish to. He recognizes it as abnormal, however, which makes it more shameful than I can bear.

Human connection is supposed to be healing but it always feels judgmental. People claim they are not judging, and then critically dissect someone or something you identify with. I don’t feel as if others are out to get me or are not empathetic, but what is the point of trying to make a connection when I won’t be understood?

In the past, I always believed I had the power to change the course of my life for the better. For the first time, I am starting to feel like the universe is actively fighting me. My billing for school has been messed up for the third semester in a year now…The deal on our house fell though…My job prospects have not panned out despite me putting in 100% effort…I am unable to see a therapist because my insurance is shit and it is too expensive.

Everything worked out with Saturdays. My boss remembered me telling him about TKD in my interview and didn’t try to guilt trip me or anything. That was really nice. Despite my boss being nice and the pay being really good, I find the job really stressful. Dealing with strangers in their own personal domain gives me a lot of anxiety. On top of that, I don’t really know what I am doing. On Friday, one of my tanks was leaking and the chemical got in my gloves when I was trying to stop it. I have chemical burns on my palms and a rash on the back of one of my hands. I feel completely stuck because my husband sees dollar signs and it is obvious that he doesn’t want to listen to how I feel because he doesn’t want me to quit.

It has been over a year since the last time I journaled. Not really sure why I stopped. I think I just got busy. I took 4 classes in the fall and the winter and ended up getting a bit burned out. I had to drop one in the winter semester, but I got good grades in the others which is all that matters.

I just started a new job at a tree service last week. I am not loving it per say, but it is much more money than I was making before. I am also learning a lot about tree ID already which is pairing well with a summer class I am taking, so I am grateful for that.

I am slightly stressed about the job because everyone says they have been working Saturdays. I just got my black belt and I don’t want to miss the weapons class on Saturdays. I don’t want to miss Saturdays period. TKD is the only think that is solely for me and me alone. Everything else is just work. Schoolwork, Housework, Yardwork…

I literally had the perfect day today. There was a problem with the COVID testing at work today, so I literally got paid to do nothing from 7am to 3:30pm.

Then, we did a jumpies class at Taekwondo that I specifically asked for! It was so much fun!!! It seems like there are more fun days when the weather gets nice.

It was a requirement to make an appointment with a writing fellow to go over my American Literature paper, and it was actually really helpful!

The writing fellow was so nice and effortlessly intelligent. He said he was taking 6 classes, plus working in the student health center as well as the writing center. People like that astound me with their success. It is obvious that they have been supported and encouraged their whole life. I wonder what that is like and why it is so rare.

I’m literally fat as fuck again. I don’t even understand how that happened. It seems like I am back to the weight I was before I quit smoking and drinking. I am so disgusted and disappointed with myself that I want to cry. I can’t dedicate as much time to exercise while I am working full time and going to school.

Today wasn’t bad. It was like 60 degrees outside but My lizard body couldn’t really tell because it was so windy. We walked up to Michael’s on the River and got some cupcakes on the way back.

I had plans to go to the grocery store, clean the house, do some type of bike ride/jog/bouncing, but I guess I was exhausted. I ended up sleeping for a few hours upstairs while Jacob played video games. I hate when that happens because it wastes the day and I literally don’t ever catch on to the fact that I am that tired. I guess that’s not entirely true. I was suffering from major brain fog the past couple of days while I was doing schoolwork, so that was an indication. I guess I need to realize that six straight days of exercise is pretty intense, too. Although I used to do more physical activity at work, I suppose it was rarely ever cardio or peak zone stuff.

I am on anxiety overload right now. I managed to survive my first week of my new job, but when I went to submit my time sheet, there was “Regular Hours”, “Regular Hours 2”, and “Regular Hours 3”. Wtf? So I tried calling my recruiter and her phone went straight to voicemail because she is out of the office until Monday. She left the number for her partner—no answer. I emailed the lady who sent me the time and expenses information—no answer. I texted my bosses and they didn’t know. I found that particularly annoying because the majority of their employees are temps. I doubt I am the first person to ask this. Also, when I texted them I apologized for bothering them and explained my recruiter was out of office until Monday. Their reply was, “Try contacting your recruiter.” Literally wtf. I feel like I am on a different plane of existence.

Same sort of issue, I log into American Literature and the stupid ass Professor posted that she graded all of the tests and recorded them online. I look and it is still 20/110 like she didn’t grade my essay questions yet. I sent her an email in which I half ass try to mask my rage by saying, “Can we set up a meeting so I can figure out where I went wrong and got such a low score?” I didn’t straight up want to draw attention to the fact that she didn’t grade it because I have double checked her mistakes multiple times now and she is starting to get an attitude with me. She seemed all pissy about the fact that I wrote my paper early and then demanded to know what my thesis was. She didn’t really have anything to say other than picky things but she was super condescending about it. So now I am paranoid that she actually DID only give me 20/110 on the test for some reason.

I honestly just want this stupid semester to be over. The college screwed me over on graduation because some idiot told me all of my classes pertained but one did not. So now I have to take a summer class. I am upset and this American Literature Professor is making me feel like I might not succeed yet AGAIN.

I am just very stressed because working full time again is going to make it really hard to do my schoolwork. I also feel like I have to walk on eggshells around the Professor in American Literature. The whole incident at work aligned perfectly with the type of incompetence I am experiencing with her instruction of the online class. Overall I am feeling overwhelmed and under supported in two of the most important aspects of my life. I really forgot how awful going to school can be.

The last couple of months have been rough. Little things and big things. I talked to that therapist online for a couple of months. As a whole, I don’t think it was any more helpful than journaling.

I feel like therapists have too many patients. They always give the same manufactured responses and half the time, I don’t think they even remember the background I gave them on myself. I feel like I reach a point where I am unable to dig deeper and they lose interest because they figure I am “okay”.

I gave my therapist a heads up that I put in my notice at Aldi because I didn’t want her to be blindsided if the app alerted her that I wasn’t part of the EAP program. It took her like 3 days to respond, so obviously my sessions were not frozen. But she was like, “Okay bye” and released me. I was like okay, nice…whatever. Huge waste of time.

I seriously had such a shit day today. I slept through my alarm and was a whole hour late to work today. That seriously freaks me out because I do not remember hearing or silencing the alarm at all. I just wanted to melt into the floor because it is so awkward to do that at a new job. No one knows me, so they are probably thinking that this is a common trend. I felt really bad and was super frazzled today. I forgot my mask, box cutter, name tag…I kept dropping stuff. Then this little girl called me “sir”. It is so weird because when I worked at Kroger, there was some little shit who would always ask me if I was a boy or a girl. I legitimately want to know what is so masculine about me. Anyway, it didn’t do much for my confidence.

Then I got home and the electronic deadbolt was too dead to turn the lock. I don’t have regular keys to get in, so I texted my husband. He seriously said, “Maybe it was never locked.” Are you fucking serious? I am locked out. Like obviously I tried the door. That pissed me off and just made me feel even MORE like shit. Good to know. My husband thinks I am a fucking dumbass. Wonderful.

I started crying on the way home from Taekwondo today. This fucking guy walking his dog yelled at me in my car for rolling though a stop sign. It was basically the embodiment of why I hate being alive and living life. No matter how hard you work to better yourself and your life, people latch on to every mistake. It really just made me realize my life is a huge waste of time. I haven’t done anything up to this point and everything I am currently doing is so I can live in this shitty world of other people’s expectations. Why finish college? So I can keep working hard as hell for little recognition, fulfillment, or pay? So I can make just enough money to afford to live, but not enough to do anything I want to do?

I didn’t have a bad day today per say, but I feel very anxious.

I had that interview with the store manager of Tractor Supply. She was really nice and she said she would try to get me the hourly rate I was asking for. But I can’t help but feel like the job is not what I am looking for. It didn’t seem promising that there would be much taking care of plants. Instead it seemed like ringing people up, driving a fork lift, filling bulk orders, and helping people with the weird pet wash. Plus she said I would be considered an assistant manager which I feel like I would hate. And on top of all that, it is 40 minutes away. I kind of feel obligated to take it if the store manager does come through with the money because it would be the most relevant thing to Horticulture to build my resume. I just feel wrong about it.

Then I had a phone interview with Spirit Airlines which was horrible. The lady was not flexible on hours or pay. I just told her I wanted to pursue other options. I really hope the post office calls me about the mail sorter job. I don’t know if it is because my sister-in-law said it was a good job, but I really feel like that job would be good for me.

Other than that, I finished everything for CIS this semester. I turned in my PowerPoint project and took my last test. Now I just need to finish Anthropology. The last week is accessible tomorrow.

I guess I am feeling anxious because I feel like my job prospects don’t fit me, I am not exercising enough, and because Jason wants to hang out on Sunday. I know I should tell my husband to avoid it looking shady, but I know he will not agree with me reconnecting.

Things kind of feel like they are on the upswing right now. I have done a fair bit of Christmas shopping. I got offered the job at Aldi. The Tractor Supply called me back about the greenhouse job! I got calls from two other jobs I applied to, too. It feels nice to have employers interested in my resume for once. Even if they aren’t jobs I am just dying to work at.

I chatted a bit with Jason via text yesterday. He is still in Arizona which is why I hadn’t heard from him. That felt nice to reconnect, too. I am looking forward to being able to see him in person and actually catch up.

I have an interview with Aldi at 9:15am tomorrow. I do NOT want to do it. The job sounds like shit, but the hours at my current work are dwindling down and I don’t know what else to do. They are doing this interview on Sunday like a bunch of psychos because some regional manager wasn’t available any other day. I am probably going to get grilled with all kinds of those behavioral questions so he can show off for this lady.

I considered calling St. John to see if they needed any contingent help. I think I will wait a bit, though. I did apply for a job at Planterra that seemed more up my alley than running a cash register. I would hate to come back just to immediately bail again.

I took a walk in the snow today. I feel like working in Landscaping has given me a new appreciation for all seasons. Cold weather is really not so bad if you dress the part.

I was listening to “The Science of Happiness” podcast again. There are a lot of episodes about the importance of gratitude. I think remembering to reset and think about what my life would be like without certain people will be helpful when I am feeling tired and isolated. I do feel like I have learned to have a bit more gratitude in the past year, though. I am enjoying the Taekwondo journey a lot. A past version of me would have been pissed that I wasn’t immediately good at it. I am slowly becoming able to accept people for how they are rather than feeling hurt by their actions and cutting them out of my life altogether.

I did end up texting Jason. He readily accepted my apology and then left me on read. I suppose he probably has his own feelings he needs to process. Despite that, I feel much better. I think the issue was not so much about him not being in my life, but rather I needed to apologize for treating him poorly. I do hope we meet up and talk, but I think I would be okay with it if he doesn’t want to as well.

We went to eat at this mind blowingly good restaurant yesterday. I honestly didn’t think I was going to like it when I looked at the menu. It was Cajun boil and they brought it out in a bag. I was like, “Okay…” but it was just so good! Perfectly seasoned, good quality seafood. So delicious. The fact that it was a surprise that it was delicious was nice, too. It put me in a really good mood.

Later in the day, I started feeling anxious and dwelling on the Jason issue again. I also took my test for CIS and got an 89% which upset me. Whenever I don’t do as good as I want to, it makes me feel really insecure about my ability to improve. Then some doucher commented on my discussion post for CIS about how he would have done it differently. Like, shut up. Literally all you have to do is comment, “Nice post. I liked this…” and you will get the five points. It takes such a pompous asshole to actually think their opinion matters. I want the teacher’s opinion. Not yours. Fuck OFF. It wouldn’t have pissed me off so much if I didn’t already get a B on the test. Now I just feel like things are going to get harder and my grade is going to tank in the next four weeks.

I am in one of those slightly angry moods today. I think the friend drama I am experiencing right now is making me change my whole outlook. I find myself missing Jason more than ever. I wrote him an apology in the notes section of my phone. I am afraid to send it because reconnecting with him could be problematic with my husband. I don’t like the idea of keeping it a secret and sneaking around to talk to him, either. I am most afraid that he will have a different number and I won’t be able to talk to him.

I am also afraid of reconnecting with him because he pushes hard to work on personal issues. It is a good thing, but also what drove me away. I am doing really well right now by going to school and doing Taekwondo. I feel like I don’t need a push, I just need encouragement. Maybe I should just say that to him? Obviously I am really terrible at friendships and differentiating what is manipulation vs. what is uncomfortable advice.