#yougoodman

To those who are familiar with me you will probably know on some level about my experience with depression when I was younger. In many ways it’s ground I feel is well trodden; but it's amazing how reflecting continually on a difficult time in one's life can reveal new feelings and fresh insights.

As I reflect on that time today however there is an overarching context which I'm glad is now becoming discussed more and more - the fact that around 70% of UK suicides (70%!) are committed by men. Many of them young men struggling with depression.  It is a saddening statistic but unfortunately it is a largely silent one that persists today without anywhere near the level of mainstream exposure of other issues where there is a gender disparity. In many ways it is a microcosm of the very issue at hand amongst men today - suffering blanketed by a cloud of thundering silence.

There are thankfully some fantastic initiatives that have been started to do something about this void of conversation. Campaigns like my friend Munya advocating for CALM- "Campaign AgainstLiving Miserably"; and the "Boys Don't Cry" campaign challenging perceptions of masculinity and strength. The Movember Foundation's work to get men talking with the "I Talked" campaign is another encouraging example. But as I've internalised these issues I've realised that if we want to start dialogue where there is none, the first point of call is to identify what's stopping it. With that said I wanted to share some feelings I identified in myself which I think men can relate to. I'd like to share some reasons why I and many other men don't feel like talking. In no particular order and of course not as an exhaustive list of every single reason for every single person; here are some reasons unpacked:

I Don't Feel Like Talking When: I Feel Like A Failure

Deep down we men are achievement driven. Results oriented. It may express itself in different ways (a 25 year old businessman will not manifest this the same way as a 40 year old artist will); but by and large men love that sense of achievement. Conversely we are very sensitive to a lack of achievement.  The measure of a man is very often primarily defined by his achievements in life. It is said men have an "ego" - but this to me is a very poor mischaracterisation of a quite healthy, normal and powerful desire to do and achieve significant things in life which in my view should be celebrated. Nevertheless there are few things more crushing to a man than feeling like they are a failure. It's of no surprise then that we men very quickly draw a parallel between the struggles we face and failure… If things are good - I'm doing something right. If things are bad - I'm not doing something right. I don't want to talk when I have no sense of what I do, am doing, and have done well in the past.

If things are good for someone else - they are doing something I'm not. I don't like talking if I'm aware my achievements are being compared to someone else's...

I Don't Feel Like Talking When: I Feel Disempowered

I've found the typical response to a man feeling like a failure is to attempt to remove his sense of responsibility. "It's not your fault" or "Don't blame yourself." This is understandable and may very well be helpful in many situations. But in my experience I felt that this only made me feel even less like talking because if it wasn't my fault it meant I couldn't do anything about it; I couldn't do anything to change it and worst of all I couldn't do anything to make anything good come out of my present situation. If I had absolutely no control over the state of my life till now, then what was the point of living going forwards from there? Very often when a man is told  "it's not your fault" in these dark moments - what's heard is "you're not in control of your own destiny". It's not an intentional outcome at all; but it potentially feeds the feeling of helplessness and weakness that a man feels. Removing that sense of responsibility merely becomes a reminder to a man about how powerless he is to make good things happen in his own life and make good choices. That was at least the case for me…

I Don't Feel like talking when: I Sense Unrealistic Expectations

In my humble view; society in recent times has increased in an unrealistic idealisation of what men should be like. In this regard I especially urge attention from our female counterparts for a moment. The romanticisation of men in some respects isn't anything new. From Romeo and Mr. Darcey; to Jack from the Titanic (Di Caprio) and James Bond. Much in the same way women feel pressured by cultural expectations around physical beauty and body image; men feel the squeeze in at least the same measure with regards to their internal virtues and chivalry.  The struggle here is often misunderstood.  It isn't really about what a "real man" is - it's more about what a "good man" is.  There is a moral pressure on men that implies that if they aren't morally perfect they aren't desirable as leaders and trustworthy as holders of responsibility. Men feel like imperfections are not embraced in today's definition of a "good man" who people would desire as a leader. The reality of course is no man is perfect. But when men don't feel "good enough" then men don't talk. I feel we must urgently start discussing and examining what moral standards we are setting for men if we want to develop an atmosphere where men can open up. How much is too much when it comes to what we expect of men? Who is a "good man"? What level of moral failure is "acceptable" for a man to still be deemed a "good" man? I found I didn't feel like talking where my weaknesses and faults were treated almost as an exception to the norm rather than a reality of being human…

I Don't Feel Like Talking when: I Feel it's an Unfair Transaction

I discovered that men look at personal deep conversations in a transactional way.

Sharing my troubles bore a cost to me. While I was really struggling, it cost me potentially feeling all the feelings I've named above to bare my soul. In that sense I found it harder to have "exposing" conversations with someone who rarely if ever really exposed themselves to me. If you want a man to talk to you - share your fears; doubts; struggles; pain; thoughts and deepest feelings with him first. A man will be much more happy to talk when you've broken the threshold first. This is especially pertinent to those who are parents raising boys and young men. A revelation of failure or struggle to a man is like depositing a loan in a bank account. Men feel a sense of duty to repay that kind of a debt. The main thing to remember is that men frame "struggle" in a language of challenge/achievement. If you are asking a man to just share their "feelings", that isn't very appealing (an important note for women to understand). If you ask a man what they feel they'd like to improve in their lives however - that changes things. That's a far more attractive invitation to talk. Either way I find I don't like talking where the person I'm speaking to has rarely if ever exposed themselves to me by revealing not just their feelings - but their faults; mistakes and weaknesses. What things are going wrong in their life? What things have they done wrong? And unless I have personally shared my own regrets/failures/weaknesses/challenges with another man I know (notice the language I'm using) I find I don't place an expectation on them to share anything of that sort with me either. I've found the vast majority of men I know, am friends with and have led in various teams have operated in the same way… These are my own personal learnings and I'm 100% sure more can be added to these.

But ultimately something has to change if we are to fight the quiet epidemic of male depression and subsequent suicide.  This is just my bit to add to the conversation.

I hope that it’s a conversation you will carry on with all your nearest and dearest…

God bless.

A few weeks ago I made a new friend.

His name is Andrew but people call him Andy. Andy is a technology expert, specialising in marketing automation. He is clearly a very hard working guy with a keen sense of humour who loves his work. However, Andy is a little bit different. When Andy was 11 years old, he was running around and playing like most pre-teenage boys. Unfortunately, on one October afternoon, he had a pen in his mouth and tripped and fell. The pen went through the top of his mouth and pierced his carotid artery which caused swelling and a lack of blood flow to his brain. That day changed Andy’s life forever. From that day onwards, Andy was partially paralysed down his left hand side and has no use of his left hand.

Today Andy and I had a meeting with one of our suppliers not too far from our office and we decided to walk. The walk was to take about 10 minutes but Andy warned me that it would take longer (all in that jovial, comedic way he announces important information without making it too intense). Because my meeting before the time we were meant to depart was running behind schedule, we were going to have to rush - and Andy doesn’t like to rush because when I think about rushing, I can jog but that option is not available to Andy.

Eventually, after a little delay, we began our walk. Citymapper told us that the walk would take us 10 minutes but it took about 20. Every 5 minutes or so we had to stop to allow Andy to rest because he doesn’t walk a whole lot, although he’s happy to. I was feeling bad. In fact I felt terrible. I should have gotten us a taxi but I was running late. I didn’t think. After my third apology, Andy decided to slow down and level with me.

“When I had my accident, it was horrible. I had to go for rehabilitation in institutions for people who had suffered horrible injuries, some similar to mine. While I was going through therapy, I saw people who had far worse injuries than I did. In many ways I was very lucky. My injury could have been worse. The fact that the pen went through the part of the brain that it did means that, although I lost some movement down my left hand side, I didn’t lose my memories, my speech or my thoughts. Many of the people I saw in those rehabilitation centres have never walked again. I took 2 years off and travelled around the entire world. I've jumped out of aeroplanes and bungee jumped off bridges. I taught myself to code and completed a 6 year degree in computer science and design in 4 years. I know that I don’t walk as fast as you do… and it takes me longer to walk from the office to where we are going BUT I have a good life. I have never been happier and I am getting married next year. There are people with far worse problems than me and I count myself as one of the lucky ones. I’m doing what I love and I feel like I can do anything I put my mind to.”

Andy is one of the members of the team I have just inherited and reports into me but he is a giant. I learnt a lot from him today. The circumstances we find ourselves in do not define where we end up in life. Sometimes things will not go our way, sometimes… inexplicably bad things will happen to us for no apparent reason. Even against the backdrop of the worst of what life can throw at us, we still have the ability to choose our perspective and attitude. That perspective has the power to dramatically change the direction and the quality of our lives. The fact is, if you are still breathing, you can achieve that dream that you’ve been doubting. You can still scale those dizzying heights and be great. You and I can take that step towards destiny right now, because as I learnt today, we literally have no excuse not to.

"Shortly into my round the world trip, I found myself on a hike in the Appalachian mountains.  It was a hard slog and I wanted to quit. Repeatedly.

Our tour guide wouldn't let me give up, and he, along with my tour mates helped me over logs and streams. Up upon rocks and to continue on when I wanted to just sit and wait for them all to come back, encouraging me to drive on and proceed. So I did. Pretty unwillingly, and despite the pain and my desire to just give up, lay down calling a day.

I will never forget the feeling when I came over the brow of that hill and saw the view. I was utterly astounded… taken aback at the beauty, but also proud that I had achieved it. All pain went away.  All aches faded and I just revelled for a few minutes in a gorgeous view that I had seen only because I pushed myself beyond my limits. Pushed on and not given up. I made a decision at that moment that I would push on. No matter how hard, no matter the pain. No matter the obstacles. Whether during my travels, or in my life.  If I'm able to....I will.  Because I can."

Whether you believe you can or you can’t - you’re right.