#uokm8

To those who are familiar with me you will probably know on some level about my experience with depression when I was younger. In many ways it’s ground I feel is well trodden; but it's amazing how reflecting continually on a difficult time in one's life can reveal new feelings and fresh insights.

As I reflect on that time today however there is an overarching context which I'm glad is now becoming discussed more and more - the fact that around 70% of UK suicides (70%!) are committed by men. Many of them young men struggling with depression.  It is a saddening statistic but unfortunately it is a largely silent one that persists today without anywhere near the level of mainstream exposure of other issues where there is a gender disparity. In many ways it is a microcosm of the very issue at hand amongst men today - suffering blanketed by a cloud of thundering silence.

There are thankfully some fantastic initiatives that have been started to do something about this void of conversation. Campaigns like my friend Munya advocating for CALM- "Campaign AgainstLiving Miserably"; and the "Boys Don't Cry" campaign challenging perceptions of masculinity and strength. The Movember Foundation's work to get men talking with the "I Talked" campaign is another encouraging example. But as I've internalised these issues I've realised that if we want to start dialogue where there is none, the first point of call is to identify what's stopping it. With that said I wanted to share some feelings I identified in myself which I think men can relate to. I'd like to share some reasons why I and many other men don't feel like talking. In no particular order and of course not as an exhaustive list of every single reason for every single person; here are some reasons unpacked:

I Don't Feel Like Talking When: I Feel Like A Failure

Deep down we men are achievement driven. Results oriented. It may express itself in different ways (a 25 year old businessman will not manifest this the same way as a 40 year old artist will); but by and large men love that sense of achievement. Conversely we are very sensitive to a lack of achievement.  The measure of a man is very often primarily defined by his achievements in life. It is said men have an "ego" - but this to me is a very poor mischaracterisation of a quite healthy, normal and powerful desire to do and achieve significant things in life which in my view should be celebrated. Nevertheless there are few things more crushing to a man than feeling like they are a failure. It's of no surprise then that we men very quickly draw a parallel between the struggles we face and failure… If things are good - I'm doing something right. If things are bad - I'm not doing something right. I don't want to talk when I have no sense of what I do, am doing, and have done well in the past.

If things are good for someone else - they are doing something I'm not. I don't like talking if I'm aware my achievements are being compared to someone else's...

I Don't Feel Like Talking When: I Feel Disempowered

I've found the typical response to a man feeling like a failure is to attempt to remove his sense of responsibility. "It's not your fault" or "Don't blame yourself." This is understandable and may very well be helpful in many situations. But in my experience I felt that this only made me feel even less like talking because if it wasn't my fault it meant I couldn't do anything about it; I couldn't do anything to change it and worst of all I couldn't do anything to make anything good come out of my present situation. If I had absolutely no control over the state of my life till now, then what was the point of living going forwards from there? Very often when a man is told  "it's not your fault" in these dark moments - what's heard is "you're not in control of your own destiny". It's not an intentional outcome at all; but it potentially feeds the feeling of helplessness and weakness that a man feels. Removing that sense of responsibility merely becomes a reminder to a man about how powerless he is to make good things happen in his own life and make good choices. That was at least the case for me…

I Don't Feel like talking when: I Sense Unrealistic Expectations

In my humble view; society in recent times has increased in an unrealistic idealisation of what men should be like. In this regard I especially urge attention from our female counterparts for a moment. The romanticisation of men in some respects isn't anything new. From Romeo and Mr. Darcey; to Jack from the Titanic (Di Caprio) and James Bond. Much in the same way women feel pressured by cultural expectations around physical beauty and body image; men feel the squeeze in at least the same measure with regards to their internal virtues and chivalry.  The struggle here is often misunderstood.  It isn't really about what a "real man" is - it's more about what a "good man" is.  There is a moral pressure on men that implies that if they aren't morally perfect they aren't desirable as leaders and trustworthy as holders of responsibility. Men feel like imperfections are not embraced in today's definition of a "good man" who people would desire as a leader. The reality of course is no man is perfect. But when men don't feel "good enough" then men don't talk. I feel we must urgently start discussing and examining what moral standards we are setting for men if we want to develop an atmosphere where men can open up. How much is too much when it comes to what we expect of men? Who is a "good man"? What level of moral failure is "acceptable" for a man to still be deemed a "good" man? I found I didn't feel like talking where my weaknesses and faults were treated almost as an exception to the norm rather than a reality of being human…

I Don't Feel Like Talking when: I Feel it's an Unfair Transaction

I discovered that men look at personal deep conversations in a transactional way.

Sharing my troubles bore a cost to me. While I was really struggling, it cost me potentially feeling all the feelings I've named above to bare my soul. In that sense I found it harder to have "exposing" conversations with someone who rarely if ever really exposed themselves to me. If you want a man to talk to you - share your fears; doubts; struggles; pain; thoughts and deepest feelings with him first. A man will be much more happy to talk when you've broken the threshold first. This is especially pertinent to those who are parents raising boys and young men. A revelation of failure or struggle to a man is like depositing a loan in a bank account. Men feel a sense of duty to repay that kind of a debt. The main thing to remember is that men frame "struggle" in a language of challenge/achievement. If you are asking a man to just share their "feelings", that isn't very appealing (an important note for women to understand). If you ask a man what they feel they'd like to improve in their lives however - that changes things. That's a far more attractive invitation to talk. Either way I find I don't like talking where the person I'm speaking to has rarely if ever exposed themselves to me by revealing not just their feelings - but their faults; mistakes and weaknesses. What things are going wrong in their life? What things have they done wrong? And unless I have personally shared my own regrets/failures/weaknesses/challenges with another man I know (notice the language I'm using) I find I don't place an expectation on them to share anything of that sort with me either. I've found the vast majority of men I know, am friends with and have led in various teams have operated in the same way… These are my own personal learnings and I'm 100% sure more can be added to these.

But ultimately something has to change if we are to fight the quiet epidemic of male depression and subsequent suicide.  This is just my bit to add to the conversation.

I hope that it’s a conversation you will carry on with all your nearest and dearest…

God bless.

A few weeks ago I made a new friend.

His name is Andrew but people call him Andy. Andy is a technology expert, specialising in marketing automation. He is clearly a very hard working guy with a keen sense of humour who loves his work. However, Andy is a little bit different. When Andy was 11 years old, he was running around and playing like most pre-teenage boys. Unfortunately, on one October afternoon, he had a pen in his mouth and tripped and fell. The pen went through the top of his mouth and pierced his carotid artery which caused swelling and a lack of blood flow to his brain. That day changed Andy’s life forever. From that day onwards, Andy was partially paralysed down his left hand side and has no use of his left hand.

Today Andy and I had a meeting with one of our suppliers not too far from our office and we decided to walk. The walk was to take about 10 minutes but Andy warned me that it would take longer (all in that jovial, comedic way he announces important information without making it too intense). Because my meeting before the time we were meant to depart was running behind schedule, we were going to have to rush - and Andy doesn’t like to rush because when I think about rushing, I can jog but that option is not available to Andy.

Eventually, after a little delay, we began our walk. Citymapper told us that the walk would take us 10 minutes but it took about 20. Every 5 minutes or so we had to stop to allow Andy to rest because he doesn’t walk a whole lot, although he’s happy to. I was feeling bad. In fact I felt terrible. I should have gotten us a taxi but I was running late. I didn’t think. After my third apology, Andy decided to slow down and level with me.

“When I had my accident, it was horrible. I had to go for rehabilitation in institutions for people who had suffered horrible injuries, some similar to mine. While I was going through therapy, I saw people who had far worse injuries than I did. In many ways I was very lucky. My injury could have been worse. The fact that the pen went through the part of the brain that it did means that, although I lost some movement down my left hand side, I didn’t lose my memories, my speech or my thoughts. Many of the people I saw in those rehabilitation centres have never walked again. I took 2 years off and travelled around the entire world. I've jumped out of aeroplanes and bungee jumped off bridges. I taught myself to code and completed a 6 year degree in computer science and design in 4 years. I know that I don’t walk as fast as you do… and it takes me longer to walk from the office to where we are going BUT I have a good life. I have never been happier and I am getting married next year. There are people with far worse problems than me and I count myself as one of the lucky ones. I’m doing what I love and I feel like I can do anything I put my mind to.”

Andy is one of the members of the team I have just inherited and reports into me but he is a giant. I learnt a lot from him today. The circumstances we find ourselves in do not define where we end up in life. Sometimes things will not go our way, sometimes… inexplicably bad things will happen to us for no apparent reason. Even against the backdrop of the worst of what life can throw at us, we still have the ability to choose our perspective and attitude. That perspective has the power to dramatically change the direction and the quality of our lives. The fact is, if you are still breathing, you can achieve that dream that you’ve been doubting. You can still scale those dizzying heights and be great. You and I can take that step towards destiny right now, because as I learnt today, we literally have no excuse not to.

"Shortly into my round the world trip, I found myself on a hike in the Appalachian mountains.  It was a hard slog and I wanted to quit. Repeatedly.

Our tour guide wouldn't let me give up, and he, along with my tour mates helped me over logs and streams. Up upon rocks and to continue on when I wanted to just sit and wait for them all to come back, encouraging me to drive on and proceed. So I did. Pretty unwillingly, and despite the pain and my desire to just give up, lay down calling a day.

I will never forget the feeling when I came over the brow of that hill and saw the view. I was utterly astounded… taken aback at the beauty, but also proud that I had achieved it. All pain went away.  All aches faded and I just revelled for a few minutes in a gorgeous view that I had seen only because I pushed myself beyond my limits. Pushed on and not given up. I made a decision at that moment that I would push on. No matter how hard, no matter the pain. No matter the obstacles. Whether during my travels, or in my life.  If I'm able to....I will.  Because I can."

Whether you believe you can or you can’t - you’re right.

I am my brother’s keeper. On Saturday I completed the Victoria Park Run in support of the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM). So far we have raised £510 to make resources (people to talk to and CALM ZONES) available for those critical moments when men are on the verge of quitting.

Thank you so much to everyone who continues to partner with me on this mission. We are providing life saving options for men who are literally dying for someone to talk to. An academic study published by the Medical University of Vienna in June 2015 looked at male suicide survivors aged 18–67, and family and friends of suicide survivors. It concluded: "Almost all men reported that their masculine beliefs led to them isolating themselves when they were feeling down, to avoid imposing on others… and instead, relied on coping strategies that required less immediate effort and provided short-term alleviation of problems, for example, drug or alcohol use, gambling and working excessively." Perhaps most worryingly, "some men reported that adherence to masculine norms meant that feelings associated with being vulnerable provoke greater anxiety than the thought of being dead."

We are capable of winning this fight. It may mean that we confront suicide one rescue at a time, that’s okay.  We CAN win and we SHOULD try everyday to win this battle.

Finally, this run was in loving memory of you Tami Sithole. Thank you for everything you taught and gave me. I wish we had talked.

I am my brother’s keeper.

About 2 years ago I came face to face with myself. I’d been on the run for a while, avoiding asking the tough questions and ‘coping’ with that feeling of ‘being down’ constantly that had become a permanent feature in my life. I was working for a high growth tech startup at the time, doing well by all external markers, but I wasn’t being honest with myself about how I was feeling inside. I’d become a Vice President at 26 and the company was signing big name clients like J.P. Morgan and OpenText, what more could I want? As part of the process of our new chairman coming onboard, it was required that each of the members of the management team undergo a psychological evaluation. Why you ask? Because growing a business is hard and it can break you. The investors need to be sure that they are investing in a team that can weather the inevitable storms that come with pursuing greatness.

My interview with the management psychologist lasted 4 hours. The output of that interview was a 34-page report that I picked up recently as I started to think about #IAmMyBrothersKeeper and #YouGoodMan. One of the sections of the report was about emotional wellbeing and resilience. Below is an actual screenshot of my results. 

As you can see, it turns out that although I had a high regard for others, I scored the lowest possible score one could get on regard for self. I was not okay and someone else knew. No more hiding behind job titles and ‘growth’. Below is the psychologist’s interpretation of that low ‘self-regard’ score.

 Munya: here are your key descriptors:

●      A tendency to ignore positive feedback and put oneself down.

●      Self-confidence easily knocked by feelings of self-doubt and insecurity.

●      Possible need to continually prove oneself.

●      May display defensive or rigid behaviour.

●      A preoccupation or excessive worry about personal shortcomings.

‘Your self-regard score was low compared to other leaders. Developing and maintaining your self-regard or self-esteem is a prerequisite for effective leadership. Having low regard in yourself may manifest in self-doubt and insecurity, worrying about your shortcomings and putting yourself down. Low self-regard may also distort your awareness, causing you to interpret experiences negatively (YES!). For successful people, low self-regard is often a byproduct of success; having received a lot of positive feedback, self-esteem can become exclusively contingent on getting more positive feedback. Such thoughts corrode a broader sense of self-worth and promote a preoccupation with the need to feel competent (How did you know?). A fear of ‘being found out’ can lead a person to stick rigidly to their comfort zones or to seek to prove themselves over and over again resulting in chronic uneasiness (that feeling was my second home). Feeling the need to constantly protect one’s self-image can lead to superficial bravado (this is like looking into a mirror), an inability to develop open and trusting relationships and rigid behaviour such as having to be the centre of attention, avoiding people altogether, insisting on being in charge or avoiding any responsibility.’

 Now, the reasons why I ended up in this state will be part of my contributions to this series, but I’m not sure they matter as much as the fact that on that particular day, someone explained myself to me and also made it clear that this ‘low regard for self’ was career-limiting and would almost certainly ensure that I would never rise to my full potential.

 Do you know anyone who has a low regard for themselves? Do you know anyone who doesn’t like themselves very much or describes themselves as a failure? Do you know anyone who is constantly down? Are you that person? If you are that person or you know someone in this struggle, let us take the first steps to doing something by raising awareness or beginning these crucial conversations with our loved ones.

Development Suggestions:

Firstly, it’s good to talk. In the UK, there are a few charities that have been set up to help men fight depression. One of the ones I support is called Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM). CALM is a registered charity, which exists to prevent male suicide in the UK. CALM seeks to prevent male suicide by: -

●      Offering support to men in the UK, of any age, who are down or in crisis via their helpline and website.

●      Challenging a culture that prevents men seeking help when they need it, see www.yearofthemale.com

●      Pushing for changes in policy and practice so that suicide is better prevented via partnerships such as The Alliance of Suicide Prevention Charities (TASC), the National Suicide Prevention Alliance(NSPA) . CALM also hosts the Suicide Bereavement Support Partnership (SBSP), which includes Cruse, If U Care Share, Papyrus, SoBS and the Samaritans amongst others. This partnership aims to ensure that everyone bereaved or affected by suicide is offered and receives timely and appropriate support. Its members are working collaboratively to ensure this vision becomes a reality.

Personally, I have listed below a few exercises that helped me form more positive thought patterns and habits:

●      Once a day take a few minutes to notice your ‘inner critic’ and challenge it with the question “Is this really true?”

●      Give and accept compliments from others rather than dismissing them.

●      Each day, allocate uninterrupted time for yourself to write down something you did well that day and something you like about yourself as a person. Do this for 30 days.

 As I wrote in this post a few weeks ago, we are not okay. In fact, we have a crisis on our hands. Suicide is the leading cause of death among men between the ages of 25 and 45. In a 2016 survey of 1,112 employed men conducted by Opinion Leader for the Men’s Health Forum presents a picture of at least one in ten of the male workforce as significantly stressed:

●      9% described themselves as severely or extremely stressed

●      8% strongly agreed that “Overwork and stress caused by a need to achieve on the job or in school affects or hurts my life”

●      34% agreed or strongly agreed that they were “constantly feeling stressed or under pressure” and 11% strongly agreed.

●      12% of men said that the last time they were prompted to take time off work to see a GP was because they were “constantly feeling stressed or under pressure” and 11% because of “Prolonged feelings of sadness”.

Chances are someone in your life needs to read this. Share it with them before it’s too late. It’s not silly, it’s not weak and it’s not pathetic. It’s killing us. ‘My Brother’s Keeper’ is a series that will be running on this blog to tell the stories of guys who have battled depression and come out on the other side with something to share. They have decided to take the shame and stigma out of this critical issue by talking. We may be too late for some of our brothers out there but even if ‘My Brother’s Keeper’ recovers one person who is on the edge or makes it easier for the topic of depression to be discussed, it would have been worth it. We can win this fight. The mission is not impossible and you too can be your brother’s keeper.

My name is Munyaradzi Hoto, and I am my brother’s keeper.

** Action Item: Part of the ways in which we can help men that are in other parts of the world is to begin to pull together a database of similar charities all over the world. If you are aware of an organisation that works in this space, then please do get in touch and I will add to the list.