#akeemspeaks

Peace,

7:15 pm

I was a mess. The rest of that night was spent crying and sleeping. Crying makes you tired, I was exhausted. For weeks I was exhausted. For months I was exhausted. As a college student, I was walking around wearing the mask. I wasn't hiding from people, because it is not like a lot of people knew about us. I couldn't hide from her because we had a class together. I wore the mask because I was hiding my feelings.

I felt as though I had to walk around wearing the mask. To have people asking me what was wrong, was not something that I wanted to explain. I am not even sure if I was strong enough to explain, especially without crying. So I smiled, and I laughed, both were forced many times, but I was so comfortable with doing it that it became easy, unfortunately.

Here I am, going through the motions of yet another heart break. I tend to get quiet when this happens, especially around people, I just don't have much to say...I mean, I do actually, I have a lot to say, that I want to say, but at the same time nothing at all. I have nothing to say to the people around me. What would they know anyway?

Would they accept me at my lowest point? Would they really care how hurt I was, or how much pain I was in? I never had those kind of conversations with them, so maybe it was more about me than it was my level of comfort. When you have never cross those conversations before, or had that kind of coming together before, it's hard to know what their response or reaction will be.

Well, it was hard for me, and comfortable at the same time, because in my household we didn't talk about our emotions and feelings anyway. I wanted to talk, but didn't know how to bring it up, did not know how to engage folks. I wanted to talk, but didn't allow myself to, trust issues? When things are comfortable to you, it's easy, this wasn't easy. So I put the mask on.

Love isn't Lost, I know exactly where I put it at!

Love,

Peace,

11:15 pm

She gave a slow head nod, moving her head up and down as to agree with my proposal. Her eyes were still glued to the floor. She was still crying. I stood there, emotional, she sat there, we didn't move for god knows how long. When she finally started to get down from the counter, I made my way over to her. I opened my arms wide, she slowly walked into my chest, burying her head into the comfort of what use to be so familiar. I locked my arms around her, resting my head on top of hers, in silence. Once again we stood there, letting time run its course. When she started to move, I unwrapped my arms from around her, we looked into each others eyes, I saw our memories, I saw where the tears were coming from, and the path they took down her cheek, I am not sure what she saw while looking at me. Did she see someone that she said she loved? Did she see someone who didn't deserve what she did to me? Did she see a mistake? Did she see my pain, my hurt, my sorrow, my frustration, my confusion? Did she see the memories? I opened the door, she walked out, I closed the door, went to my room and cried like I never cried before.

What was to come from me next? Another heartbreak. This one hurt the most, harder than the first one with my first one. How was I going to bounce back? When would I bounce back? I buried my face in the pillow, tears from every inch of my body poured into the now wet pillow cover. I cried so hard my head began to hurt. Have you ever cried so hard that you got a headache?

Love isn't Lost, I know exactly where I put it at

Love,

Peace,

6:30 pm

When she admitted that she hurt me, that she knew what she was doing, my eyes locked onto hers, I was looking for something that said different; how could you? I had opened up my scars for you, for you to feel them, to see them, to understand them, to help me understand them, but even that wasn't enough to show you that I was for real. She continued.

Tears racing down her face, her body had a tremble that was easy to see, a tremble that I felt before, that at this moment I still feel. Not too long ago I would have been the warmth she had to cover her up, the arms that helped her feel at home and at ease. Not too long ago, I would have caught those tears before they reached her cheek, swiping at whatever caused them to come, but this time, I stand at a distance, with an invisible arm that reaches out to her, but instead my arms lay on the outer part of my knees, yeah, that's how long my arms are. As much as I don't want to see her hurting like this, I stood my ground, and listened, as she explained what happened, and what's going to happen.

She told me how her boyfriend back home is the one who picked up the phone that night. She explained how her boyfriend was a senior in high school, and how long they've been together. When she started saying the word boyfriend, I began to think, reflecting on the relationship that the word "boyfriend" has with the individual that it is meant for. Was I ever her boyfriend? Did I ever have that relationship with her? Did I not meet the requirement(s)? Our friend group was pretty much the same on campus, introducing each other as boyfriend/girlfriend never happened. When I think about the people who were friends but on the outside of our inner friend circle, I introduced her to my track teammates as girlfriend, but, her friend at home, at least in person, I was never introduced as her boyfriend.

The signs were there, I missed them, or, I chose to not see them, blindly, I was walking in love, with love...I guess I am starting to understand the phrase 'love is blind"

Love isn't Lost, I know exactly where I put it at

Love,