To those who are familiar with me you will probably know on some level about my experience with depression when I was younger. In many ways it’s ground I feel is well trodden; but it's amazing how reflecting continually on a difficult time in one's life can reveal new feelings and fresh insights.

As I reflect on that time today however there is an overarching context which I'm glad is now becoming discussed more and more - the fact that around 70% of UK suicides (70%!) are committed by men. Many of them young men struggling with depression.  It is a saddening statistic but unfortunately it is a largely silent one that persists today without anywhere near the level of mainstream exposure of other issues where there is a gender disparity. In many ways it is a microcosm of the very issue at hand amongst men today - suffering blanketed by a cloud of thundering silence.

There are thankfully some fantastic initiatives that have been started to do something about this void of conversation. Campaigns like my friend Munya advocating for CALM- "Campaign AgainstLiving Miserably"; and the "Boys Don't Cry" campaign challenging perceptions of masculinity and strength. The Movember Foundation's work to get men talking with the "I Talked" campaign is another encouraging example. But as I've internalised these issues I've realised that if we want to start dialogue where there is none, the first point of call is to identify what's stopping it. With that said I wanted to share some feelings I identified in myself which I think men can relate to. I'd like to share some reasons why I and many other men don't feel like talking. In no particular order and of course not as an exhaustive list of every single reason for every single person; here are some reasons unpacked:

I Don't Feel Like Talking When: I Feel Like A Failure

Deep down we men are achievement driven. Results oriented. It may express itself in different ways (a 25 year old businessman will not manifest this the same way as a 40 year old artist will); but by and large men love that sense of achievement. Conversely we are very sensitive to a lack of achievement.  The measure of a man is very often primarily defined by his achievements in life. It is said men have an "ego" - but this to me is a very poor mischaracterisation of a quite healthy, normal and powerful desire to do and achieve significant things in life which in my view should be celebrated. Nevertheless there are few things more crushing to a man than feeling like they are a failure. It's of no surprise then that we men very quickly draw a parallel between the struggles we face and failure… If things are good - I'm doing something right. If things are bad - I'm not doing something right. I don't want to talk when I have no sense of what I do, am doing, and have done well in the past.

If things are good for someone else - they are doing something I'm not. I don't like talking if I'm aware my achievements are being compared to someone else's...

I Don't Feel Like Talking When: I Feel Disempowered

I've found the typical response to a man feeling like a failure is to attempt to remove his sense of responsibility. "It's not your fault" or "Don't blame yourself." This is understandable and may very well be helpful in many situations. But in my experience I felt that this only made me feel even less like talking because if it wasn't my fault it meant I couldn't do anything about it; I couldn't do anything to change it and worst of all I couldn't do anything to make anything good come out of my present situation. If I had absolutely no control over the state of my life till now, then what was the point of living going forwards from there? Very often when a man is told  "it's not your fault" in these dark moments - what's heard is "you're not in control of your own destiny". It's not an intentional outcome at all; but it potentially feeds the feeling of helplessness and weakness that a man feels. Removing that sense of responsibility merely becomes a reminder to a man about how powerless he is to make good things happen in his own life and make good choices. That was at least the case for me…

I Don't Feel like talking when: I Sense Unrealistic Expectations

In my humble view; society in recent times has increased in an unrealistic idealisation of what men should be like. In this regard I especially urge attention from our female counterparts for a moment. The romanticisation of men in some respects isn't anything new. From Romeo and Mr. Darcey; to Jack from the Titanic (Di Caprio) and James Bond. Much in the same way women feel pressured by cultural expectations around physical beauty and body image; men feel the squeeze in at least the same measure with regards to their internal virtues and chivalry.  The struggle here is often misunderstood.  It isn't really about what a "real man" is - it's more about what a "good man" is.  There is a moral pressure on men that implies that if they aren't morally perfect they aren't desirable as leaders and trustworthy as holders of responsibility. Men feel like imperfections are not embraced in today's definition of a "good man" who people would desire as a leader. The reality of course is no man is perfect. But when men don't feel "good enough" then men don't talk. I feel we must urgently start discussing and examining what moral standards we are setting for men if we want to develop an atmosphere where men can open up. How much is too much when it comes to what we expect of men? Who is a "good man"? What level of moral failure is "acceptable" for a man to still be deemed a "good" man? I found I didn't feel like talking where my weaknesses and faults were treated almost as an exception to the norm rather than a reality of being human…

I Don't Feel Like Talking when: I Feel it's an Unfair Transaction

I discovered that men look at personal deep conversations in a transactional way.

Sharing my troubles bore a cost to me. While I was really struggling, it cost me potentially feeling all the feelings I've named above to bare my soul. In that sense I found it harder to have "exposing" conversations with someone who rarely if ever really exposed themselves to me. If you want a man to talk to you - share your fears; doubts; struggles; pain; thoughts and deepest feelings with him first. A man will be much more happy to talk when you've broken the threshold first. This is especially pertinent to those who are parents raising boys and young men. A revelation of failure or struggle to a man is like depositing a loan in a bank account. Men feel a sense of duty to repay that kind of a debt. The main thing to remember is that men frame "struggle" in a language of challenge/achievement. If you are asking a man to just share their "feelings", that isn't very appealing (an important note for women to understand). If you ask a man what they feel they'd like to improve in their lives however - that changes things. That's a far more attractive invitation to talk. Either way I find I don't like talking where the person I'm speaking to has rarely if ever exposed themselves to me by revealing not just their feelings - but their faults; mistakes and weaknesses. What things are going wrong in their life? What things have they done wrong? And unless I have personally shared my own regrets/failures/weaknesses/challenges with another man I know (notice the language I'm using) I find I don't place an expectation on them to share anything of that sort with me either. I've found the vast majority of men I know, am friends with and have led in various teams have operated in the same way… These are my own personal learnings and I'm 100% sure more can be added to these.

But ultimately something has to change if we are to fight the quiet epidemic of male depression and subsequent suicide.  This is just my bit to add to the conversation.

I hope that it’s a conversation you will carry on with all your nearest and dearest…

God bless.

I am my brother’s keeper. On Saturday I completed the Victoria Park Run in support of the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM). So far we have raised £510 to make resources (people to talk to and CALM ZONES) available for those critical moments when men are on the verge of quitting.

Thank you so much to everyone who continues to partner with me on this mission. We are providing life saving options for men who are literally dying for someone to talk to. An academic study published by the Medical University of Vienna in June 2015 looked at male suicide survivors aged 18–67, and family and friends of suicide survivors. It concluded: "Almost all men reported that their masculine beliefs led to them isolating themselves when they were feeling down, to avoid imposing on others… and instead, relied on coping strategies that required less immediate effort and provided short-term alleviation of problems, for example, drug or alcohol use, gambling and working excessively." Perhaps most worryingly, "some men reported that adherence to masculine norms meant that feelings associated with being vulnerable provoke greater anxiety than the thought of being dead."

We are capable of winning this fight. It may mean that we confront suicide one rescue at a time, that’s okay.  We CAN win and we SHOULD try everyday to win this battle.

Finally, this run was in loving memory of you Tami Sithole. Thank you for everything you taught and gave me. I wish we had talked.