#trans ocd

The idea that you wouldn’t be worried about something if you weren’t that something has absolutely no compassion for people with OCD.

Being worried about being gay does not make you gay. Sometimes it makes you mentally ill.

You know what does make you gay? Being attracted to the same gender.

Being worried about being trans does not make you trans. Sometimes it makes you mentally ill.

11/30/2020

tw, doubt, dysphoria, a bunch of other crappy trans related problems

today i made the very moronic decision of posting a tik tok venting about dysphoria today. i received multiple comments from 16 year olds telling me to “google tocd.” what i found in the results was honestly very dangerous. 

doubt is something i’m very familiar with, having been in the closet for 19 years. while presenting as cis, the innermost thought that was the backdrop to everything wasn’t necessarily “im in the wrong body” but more “something is wrong, and i feel like nobody knows me.” the thought “am i transgender” was constantly followed up by my very conscious follow up thought

“no, you aren’t transgender, transgender people are in pain all of the time, transgender people don’t question it, transgender people face so much bigotry and pain, you don’t want to face all of that bigotry and pain do you? even if you are transgender, you wouldn’t want to transition because you like dating men too much, men will never want to date you if you transition.” (i haven’t transitioned yet, but from what i know so far that last anxiety isn’t really true at all.) sometimes these purposeful counter thoughts would last for so long that they started getting pretty weird and meta. things like “if you were transgender, you are somebody who is so honest and doesn’t care what other people think, you would have already transitioned by now!” which is hard to make sense of in retrospect.

after coming out, and presenting as a woman, i don’t necessarily have these long battles with myself as often anymore, but i’d be lying if i said they went away entirely. its much easier to spot what my true feelings are and what is surpression now, but i still have moments where i’ll think, “what the fuck am i doing?” i think addressing this doubt head on is something that is really overlooked in the trans community, but is really important, because being trans isn’t about following a checklist, but following your authenticity. without doubt, how are we going to be sure if something is right for us? i still have doubt from time to time, where i’ll think maybe i am some form of nonbinary, or just a feminine man, it’s easy to tackle these thoughts as now i approach them with no fear, knowing the answer to them will not be a challenge to deal with, as i have already dealt with coming out as a woman.

here’s where that tik tok comment comes in. tOCD, or Transgender Related OCD, is not related to being transgender, but actually linked with OCD, with a fixation on transgender identity. i read a few stories from people with this and felt overwhelmed with shock at how similar these stories felt to mine. lying awake at night combatting the question “am i transgender?” feeling an immense sense of fear or dread along with the idea of transitioning, or “becoming transgender,” and the thoughts being triggered by certain random things. these things all felt very familiar to my experience, as my thoughts of being trans before i was out were not at all happy. that is the common difference i kept reading “for transgender people, these thoughts bring them joy, make them happy, and do not cause distress or make them try to combat these feelings.” this description of trans experience was not at all similar to my experience, this made me increasingly fearful that i had gotten it all wrong.

i threw myself into a rabbit hole. i read forum after forum, i tried to analyze a scientific study, i read blog posts and discussion boards. i do not often spend my time on the internet on forums with neurodivergent people, or in neurodivergent spaces, though i am neurodivergent, it doesn’t impact my life in many major ways so i do not seek those spaces, but finding a lot of tOCD forums, there is a MASSIVE amount of transphobia hidden there. while there are 100% cisgender people with tOCD, it looks like to me a lot of closeted trans people (or eggs) have co-opted that space in order to talk down their own thoughts. this makes the few tOCD forums that exist a dangerous mix of people assisting each other through their intrusive thoughts, and eggs spewing transphobic rhetoric in the comments of confused and nervous people. this was absolutely not healthy for me to see, and if you are going to do research yourself, i recommend checking in with yourself and your triggers, because it is really difficult to find the distinction from what i’ve found. 

i can report, i am a woman. this is something that is unwaivering through all of my forms of doubt. this is something that is a truth regardless of my thoughts, and regardless of my feelings. before i knew this though, my thoughts were not at all joyful when trying to find out this discovery. discovering i was a trans woman this whole time, meant i had been spending the past 19 years of my life, in a sense, lying to the people around me. it had meant i was spending my life up to this point, dormant, or not being my true self. it had meant i was going to have to go through expensive treatments, therapy, and oppression. all these thoughts of me being a woman were clouded entirely by overwhelming fear, so no, i didn’t feel happy when my thoughts approached me, in fact i felt nothing but overwhelming dread, and a desire to push those thoughts away.

living as a woman and embracing my gender identity has proven to be nothing but helpful, and has made me feel nothing but more confident and true to myself. the truth is always behind the panic, and when it comes to your gender identity, there’s very little reason to panic.

If you are gay, do not say to someone that's suffering from HOCD that they're just in denial.

If you are trans, do not say to someone that's suffering from TOCD that they're just suppressing their "true self".

Cont. true, but my brain keeps making me feel like I relate to boys and I’m so tired. There was a point where it actually stopped for a bit and I felt comfortable as a girl, but then it came back and it’s tearing me apart. It also doesn’t help my voice is kinda deep and I can hit low notes when singing, and compared to a boy’s voice it’s like “you must want a boy voice!!!” I’ve also gone through the checking compulsion, and it’s only gotten so much worse 

 Hey love,

I’m really sorry to hear about your struggles with trans OCD! Identity is really a big topic for people growing up, especially in our society today, and to have your disorder messing around with it can really feel like a robbery and a threat to your identity. It’s definitely a scary thing, and not something that you need to go through on your own. 

I’m really glad that you’re taking the initiative to see a therapist. Your mental health is important, and I totally understand that you can get to the point where you feel like you can’t do it on your own anymore. But of course, you don’t need to wait for that point to come around. If you symptoms are mild or terrible, therapy is there for you and there is no wrong time to go. But it is really brave of you to take that step, because it isn’t always easy! I will say to make sure that your therapist specializes in OCD, and does Exposure Response Prevention (ERP), Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Otherwise, they cannot properly treat you and help you heal from your OCD. These thoughts can really affect a lot of aspects of your life. You mentioned that you feel insecure because you have a deeper voice, and it’s very common for people with trans OCD to feel hyper-vigilant about how they act/ dress/ look. I experienced something similar when I was spiking with HOCD. 

Although it might not feel like it, it’s good that you’re taking notice of the compulsions your doing, such as checking. I think it would a good idea to write down all the compulsions you do, and situations that you often do them in. That way you can be a little more prepared for them and aware of them when they pop up. Remember that compulsions can be any mental or physical ritual you do in order to ease the anxiety that your obsession causes. In other words, whenever you worry about being trans, and you get the urge to do some kind of ritual or task in order to calm that worry, that is a compulsion. 

There’s a free app called NOCD, that helps you create an at-home exposure plan, and gives you a safe space to go when you’re feeling the urge to do a compulsion. You can also ask questions in the community, get in touch with people who experience the same thing as you (though be careful, because it can be triggering). You can also get in touch with a therapist! It might be something you want to check out! 

Cont. I feel like I can’t enjoy anything anymore. Everytime I do or say something it’s like “did I sound masculine” “was that a manly thing to do” Everytime I go shopping its like “why are you in the womens section, you should be in the mens” and all that kind of stuff. I keep checking the mirror to make sure I don’t look too manly or too make sure I like how I look. I never once questioned my gender identity before this. Sorry this is so long but its really distressing and depressing me

Hey angel

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling with these terrible thoughts and insecurity. I know how thoughts like these can really make you question and doubt everything you know about yourself. Please don’t apologize for the length! I’m glad to be a place you can express your struggles and vent <3

There is a theme of OCD that’s known as Trans OCD. With this theme, people have similar experiences like you are having - they begin to question if they truly like their body, if they’re truly trans and in denial (people who are trans or gender non-conforming with OCD can also experience having intrusive thoughts about being cis). You mentioned that you check the mirror often and worry about whether you look and sound masculine. This is considered a checking compulsion! I know it can be tempting, but it does make the anxiety worse and continue the obsessive cycle. You mentioned that you’ve struggled with OCD in the past. This being said, it’s very common to experience a switch in theme or a new theme (because it’s not the theme that’s the disorder, but actually the process of obsessing and doing compulsions that characterizes OCD). 

This is an article on Trans OCD that you might find helpful!