#hocd

but if you're in the OCD tag looking for reassurance or chasing a compulsion, I'm gonna need you to put your phone down. go on, put it down. and i want you to say out loud,

"Maybe the thoughts are right. Maybe they're not. Either way, I will be okay."

that's all you have to do. no more googling or tag searching, you've given OCD all the attention it deserves. you can go do something else now.

And that's kind of beautiful I think.

By the way, this conversation was sparked by me crying about being physically unable to trust the sensation of happiness, because to feel good and happy is to be led astray by the devil because my parents beat into me that truth and righteousness is only achieved through sacrificing your joy and enduring pain. If something feels good or makes you feel joy it will always be short lived and you can only achieve peace through struggle. Here's the fun part. I'm not even fucking Christian anymore. But I was so abused as a kid and my OCD is so bad that I am constantly plagued with 24/7 existentialism about myself and the people around me because what if my parents are secretly right and it's only a matter of time till my life comes undone?

but then when people talk about intrusive thoughts that involve violence to themselves or others, sexual assault, bigotry, animal cruelty, abuse, or any other genuinely horrifying thing, then suddenly it’s all “omg if you even have that thought you’re disgusting!” and “you wouldn’t think it if you didn’t mean it on some level!” and “ok FINE maybe you can’t help THINKING it but do you HAVE to post about it?” (and i’ve seen that last one commented on videos where people simply mentioned HAVING intrusive thoughts about the topics i just listed. not describing the thoughts in detail or saying what they entailed! just mentioning “i have intrusive thoughts about [x topic]” and suddenly everyone in their comment is jumping down their throat for making them uncomfortable.)

the point of intrusive thoughts is that they are thoughts you do not like, do not want to have, and do not believe in your logical, thinking brain. “swerve into traffic” “you could stab them” “what if you poisoned the coffee you just gave them and somehow repressed the memory” “what if you secretly want to hurt them, so secretly even YOU don’t know it” “what if you ran someone over and didn’t notice” “what if you don’t actually love your mom you’ve just fooled yourself into thinking you’re capable of love but really you’re just faking it”

intrusive thoughts are upsetting, scary, and often objectively ridiculous.

they’re not fun.

And I think that expressing it and experimenting with a lack of it in my writing is inspired directly by these things

Like my worst OCD thoughts all stem back to being powerless over things I can't control in my own mind that I feel like I should have full control over, but because I'm ND I just... don't.

I have no control over the direction of my thoughts and my nervous system's response to them. It often feels like my voices come from another person, or outside of me, or are imprinted upon me by something other than me, or that something else or someone else resides in me, or that I'm watching myself make actions that aren't mine, or that work isn't mine. I look at things I have made and it feels like someone else woke up, did them, and slept again, and now I'm viewing what they did - but it's just me. The memories of me doing it don't feel like they belong to me at all.