Aug 7
how I be acting on here
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how I be acting on here
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does anyone get a compulsion to seek guilt the same way some people press on their skin to find bruises? i look for guilt in everything ive ever done, i dissect past interactions indiscriminately for the chance that i will find some horrible regret. and do what? feel guilty. The idea, the sorta sick logic my brain offers to me, is that its actually me reflecting on my past behaviours trying to make sure i can correct them. on paper it sounds like a positive thing, but positive change only comes from self love. so i do it because im too scared to make mistakes. but, because im too scared to make mistakes, i spend all this time compulsively checking myself for flaws, failed lessons, fumbles, things that didnt actually even effect anyone and i dont think they even happened at this point. My anxiety is out of fucking control and im scared to feel it so i revert back to the thing i feel i have control over which is peeling back all the layers of memories looking for one fucking speck of immaturity or moral contamination. Which reinforces it and goes round and round forever.
i put in a lot of work trying to release my grip on it, theres nothing to even grab onto, but my illness thinks theres something there and if i let go it will indiscriminately affect all aspects of my life with the same merciless abandon it inflicts on me. if the problem is contained within me, the world is safe. if the problem is outside my grasp, the world has already ended, ive failed and my life unravels. my mind moves so quickly into hypothetical catastrophe i forget that its not reality sometimes. i want to be free
Tw: ocd, mention of death, & illness
So I work in the mail industry. Today I was shipping some items in a box, while picking up the box, while it was open, my nose hit the corner of one of the top flaps. Like in my nose.
My OCD went crazy. I kept thinking what if this infects other people?
My bf has had COVID the past 2 weeks. I test every other day. I'm always negative.
My worry is that what if there's COVID in the box. What if it infects a child? And what if that child dies? Then it's all my fault. I talked to my boss about it. He said he wouldnt worry about it. He said that there's tons of people that are going to touch and handle the box. He said who knows what kind of stuff could get on it.
having intrusive thoughts about self harm really fucking sucks when I actually used to struggle with that. It makes those thoughts feel very scary to me and it's hard to convince myself that I don't actually want to do those things
ngl being a stoner is lowk great Harm OCD exposure therapy
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wanted to share my ocd story somewhere.
hi! I officially have "general unspecified ocd" but it manifests as mostly harm ocd, but i also get some moral ocd and contamination ocd.
for a good 6 years during my teen years, my harm ocd intrusive thoughts slowly got worse and worse. they started as small, sudden thoughts, and turned into full hours-long intrusive thought fantasies/daydreams where i would kill and die over and over. (i don't know if there's an official name for that kind of intrusive thought cycle- I always just called them daydreams.) The first daydream i had was during covid, and they slowly ramped in frequency from one every couple of months to several nights in a row every other week. obviously these are incredibly distressing, and they have never stopped being distressing. even just reflecting on them or reading notes taken during them can trigger another episode for me.
i was eventually switched to a medication that actually started working, and i've now gone several months without having an episode. I still have those short small intrusive thoughts, but they are far more manageable.
what i want to say is, it gets better. it sucks and it's hard and people will tell you it's impressive you're still alive because it is. Eventually, it will slowly get better.
healing has been a long process. i have been to several in-patient and out-patient services and many different doctors of all kinds and a bunch of medications, but it has been getting better. Don't give up. It will get better.
I'm glad you're doing better!!
I actually started taking new meds and it will take weeks for the effect to show, but I really hope it'll work this time!! Thank you for your words that means a lot to me and I'm sure for others too.
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Harm OCD might be the actual death of me. All I want to do is stab myself in the head and rip myself apart over trying to do anything on my list of tasks. If I wasn't in so much agony that it immediately caused compulsions, I could maybe do a task.
