pleased to say i've been sober now for 1 year, 6 months, and 3 weeks.

so no, i haven't stopped moaning or gone back to the drink.

When I was drinking it worsened my suicidal tendencies, and to be honest now that I'm sober and have done so much trauma processing and CBT type stuff with SMART, those tendencies are infrequent visitors.

I've deleted Instagram, not because I think people should, but because for me it was just weighing me down and making me compare myself to others.

I've learnt tools from SMART and sober memoirs such as Playing the Tape, ANTs, PIGs, etc and going to each meeting takes me out of my head and reminds me my problems are not overarching or unique. I am not alone.

I'm more independent, but lean on others in healthier ways. I'm still working on communicating my feelings and asking for help when I need it, instead of assuming that no one wants to hear what I have to say.

I'm trying new things, like craft club and painting for the fun of it. And I have a varying relationship with my journal.

People have seen me grow and it feels wonderful

☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️

I’ve managed a year sober before and it was the best year of my life. I want to have that again, to have that sense of accomplishment and pride in myself. 

Today I drank and I’m not even sure why. I stopped at the supermarket after getting my nails done to buy some gloves for dish washing. I left there with 3 cans of beer, knowing it wasn’t a wise decision. I drank those 3 cans of beer and then used a friend’s visit as an excuse to buy rum and had at least three doses of it. I felt like shit the whole time I drank, kept wishing I wasn’t drinking.

I’m not exactly a teetotaler, but I don’t drink much alcohol. Frankly, I prefer a nice chocolate milkshake to an ice cold beer, and wine, to quote the character Sheldon Cooper from “The Big Bang Theory,” is “grape juice that burns.”

Did I forget to mention that the Word of the Day is “teetotal?”

“Teetotal” or “teetotalism” refers to a pledge of complete abstinence from intoxicating alcoholic beverages. The first thing you need to know about the word is it’s not “TEAtotal.” It has nothing to do with tea (unless perhaps you’re talking about Long Island Iced Tea, a potent mixed drink which, in my youth, kicked my arse more than once.)

It’s generally (but not universally) agreed that the first known use of the word was by temperance advocate Dicky Turner in Preston, England in a speech in 1833. Wikipedia hints that Turner had a stutter, and was actually urging “t-t-t-total abstinence” from liquor, but there’s no convincing proof of that (Not even 80 proof, like a good strong vodka or gin. See what I did there?)

Let’s break it down. The “total” part means just what it says on the box. The avoidance of alcohol is complete and total. The “tee” part is both a reduplication (like “itty-bitty,” “easy-peasy,” “okey-dokey” and the like) and an intensifier. English has lots of intensifying prefixes, such as the “dis-“ in “disgruntled” (completely, entirely grumbling and grunting like a pig.) There’s also “re-“ like the one in “resplendent” (completely shining and glittering), and the “de-“ in such words as “declare” (make thoroughly and completely clear) and “depraved” (thoroughly, um, “praved,” from the Latin “pravus,” meaning perverse or crooked.)

So the “tee” in “teetotal” indicates a complete and utter totality. No alcohol. Not one drop.