#soberteacher

I’ve managed a year sober before and it was the best year of my life. I want to have that again, to have that sense of accomplishment and pride in myself. 

Today I drank and I’m not even sure why. I stopped at the supermarket after getting my nails done to buy some gloves for dish washing. I left there with 3 cans of beer, knowing it wasn’t a wise decision. I drank those 3 cans of beer and then used a friend’s visit as an excuse to buy rum and had at least three doses of it. I felt like shit the whole time I drank, kept wishing I wasn’t drinking.

My phone was ringing. My daughter was facetimeing me. She was telling me that Brayden’s dad was coming to get him. Brayden called him and told him to come get him. She told me to wake up so I would be up when Greg got there to get Brayden. I got out of bed as Brayden was leaving his room. I tried to reassure him I was fine. Wow his dad was already there. Brayden is yelling at me that I am drunk. I realize I am going to have to let him go with Greg. They leave. Am I going to lose Brayden?

I go back to bed. I am kicking myself for getting drunk. I hadn’t really had that many had I? I just went out to see Sean while Brayden was playing video games so I wouldn’t lose Sean after all the work of the weekend of getting him back. Then things went sideways with Sean and he was saying things were over. He left. My friends took me home. I really wasn’t that drunk. I was upset. This was how I went through the night in my mind.

Fuck it. I got up and walked to the bar at 1:30 in the morning to get my car. I realize now I was still drunk. I drove my car home and went to bed. I couldn’t change anything tonight.

I woke up. What time was it? Shit its 8:24. My required meeting started at 8:00. I got online – and the meeting had been going for 25 minutes. What did I miss? I frantically logged on to YouTube so they couldn’t track I was late. I muddled through my work tasks and got it done. Whew! Greg texts – can I get Brayden? Yes. Okay time to reign it in.  You need to be sober for Brayden. Who knows if you and Jeff are still talkin?. He’s not answering. You have got to be a better mother.

I picked up Brayden. Silence. He asked, “Do you remember what happened last night?” And I lie, and say yes I do. I remembered the end. I explained that my anxiety took over when Sean and I broke up. That distorts how the alcohol affects me. I wasn’t drunk. I was having an anxiety attack and my friends drove me home because I was so upset. I asked him what he needed. He said an apology. I said I am more sorry than you know. It won’t happen again. I got home and had an email from Greg. This can never happen again where I leave Brayden to go to the bar and come home drunk. If it does, he will go to court and sue for full custody. If I need time to figure this out, he can shift time to give me the time to do that. I respond that it will never happen again and I don’t need any changes to parenting time. I can fix this.

I go to the school for work the next day. Share this same story I told Brayden with my friend and think it is over with Sean. Work is a shit show and so much was happening and I could not track. I left because of course there is no internet. Where do I go? The bar. There’s internet. I don’t have to drink. Brayden was with his dad. I could have one and get the rest of my work done and get through the to do list I had.

I finished work and joined my bar friends and had my second. Everything was laid back at first and then a newcomer joined the group and she could see right through me and got me talking. And I centered it on how overwhelmed I felt. Sean was gone. I had surgery possibly coming up. I text an old baseball buddy and got him to listen. After 5 drinks, I tab out. But after the tears, the drinks kept coming. I contacted one friend to take me home when I realized it had gone sideways and I couldn’t drive. They wouldn’t and I felt abandoned.  Sean went camping. I called my old baseball buddy and Lyft to his house to finish watching the game. I remember directing the driver where to go – and I get there. I had only been there twice before. I texted am I here? I was there thankfully because the driver had left. I proceeded to continue drinking through the end of the ball game. I woke up at 3:00 during a rebroadcast of the game passed out on the couch. Oh! I felt awful. Go back to sleep.

I woke up at 5:00 because I was hung over, and my friend turned on a Saved by The Bell marathon. I was so anxious and nauseous and I couldn’t do anything. I just laid there in misery. He had an appointment at 9:00, so I moved off the couch to the bed to be out of their way. He came in after and suggested brunch. Thank god – I could get a drink. We got to brunch – and I ordered doubles. I felt awful and needed help. The food was good but I could only eat one piece of the quesadilla. He took me back to my car which was still at the bar. I went into the bar. I’ll have one or two. I am not buzzed yet and I feel a little better. It’s dead, so I talked to the bartender as I drank. .Everything was fine. I don’t know how many I had. And after I paid so I’d stop drinking, more drinks came. I called my friend to please come get me. She knew Sean and I were on the rocks. She drove me home and got me food. She left me at home. I drunk texted for a while.

I woke up at 4:30. OMG I was still in the same clothes. Who did I text? I went through texts. Went through emails? A new video is now available? I posted a video? When did I make a video? OMG – I made a video after my friend left? I am ridiculously drunk! Who had seen it? 13 views? Oh my god, how do I get it down? Okay, it’s down. Oh my god. You cannot drink. Look up sober apps that have been on your phone for a year. Reset. Starting now. August 9th. Take a picture so you remember.

Brayden will be back from his dad’s. I need to get better. I muddled through the day and cleaned around the house and made it look like I had been home and not been drunk. Waited for Brayden to get back and took him to Fort Collins. See! I could get through a Sunday and not drink. Drove home late from Fort Collins. I’ll stop for 1. It’s almost last call anyway. How many can I have? Three drinks and 45 minutes later, I left to go home. Fell asleep.

Shit – It’s 7:45. Meetings start at 8:00. Camera off. I got through the work day. Go to the bar for lunch because I can bring my own food and sit there and not drink. I did it. I don’t remember what I did when I went back to work, but it wasn’t at home. I show back up at 5:00. I can sit there and have two and then go home. That is all I need to do. I’m not drunk. I’m handling it. I can have another. Wow – why did I think I have a problem? I know what’s going on. I can hang and be fine. This weekend was just this weekend. It’s 10:45. I need to go home. Shit – I had 7 and I’m not drunk. I don’t have a problem.

Shit – It’s 8:15. I’ve got to be on a Meet. No I don’t. Cool. I have independent stuff I need to get done. Okay. Awesome. All that work this summer was for something! Sean is back from camping. I can meet him. Okay only drink water after what he saw. We talked about camping. He left. I guess we’re done. Big breath. It’s really over.

I headed to the bar. I don’t want to be alone, but I’m only going to have 2.  The man next to me buys my first one since I’m a teacher. Awesome! The DJ buys my next two because of having his back the night before. I can deal with 3. Okay I’ll have one more, the guy next to me is buying again. It’s almost closing, I’ll buy one so I can leave a tip. I head home. I’m not drunk.

I woke up almost late again. Okay I can’t stop at two. This needs to end. I reset the counters. Here we go. I meet Sean for HH and I have water. He opens up about what happened Wednesday night and how awful I was. He didn’t even know who I was. He thought he knew me because we had been together for a year. But who I was on Wednesday night was someone he had never seen. I twisted everything we were. He had to leave because I would not stop. He had never ended it with me like I had told myself. I listened in disbelief. It was so bad. Who was I? What had I said and done? And then I had gone home to my son and watched his dad take him away. I had gotten another email from Greg stipulating that I don’t drink when I have Brayden. I had already committed to that. But the last two nights proved I couldn’t drink at all. Aug 11. Here we go!

I came home and texted Sean a long apology I don’t remember. But I knew it was over over. I could never be that woman who was that way to Sean and came home that night to Brayden. Not this. This could not be my life. I worked too hard to get this job. I can’t fuck this up.