#stiffmuscles

I was in a car accident yesterday.  I’m sore, but otherwise okay.  The driver and two passengers (one of them a baby) are also okay.

The driver ran a red light at 30-40mph and ran into me, causing me to spin around so I faced the opposite direction.  She was driving with a suspended learner’s permit (who the fuck does that?) and had a child in the car.

In an act of mercy, I opted not to press charges.  But she’s in enough trouble as it is: not only driving with the bad permit, but the tag on her car was incorrect.  Additionally, the passenger was licensed and could get into trouble.  As well as reckless driving and running a red light.

Florizel was very strong yesterday for me.  My boss picked me up from the crash site and Florizel came to work to take me home.  

My car will need some repairs, but I’m hoping they don’t total it.  I’ve only had the car over 2 months and I was hoping to keep it a lot longer than that.  The passenger back axle might be slightly bent, and the side airbags deployed.  Otherwise, it’s body damage.  I can’t handle having a car totaled.

If it comes to that, I’m not buying a newer car.  I’m buying used.  I’ll pay off what’s left of my loan and get something within range.  I know I have to drive something, but I don’t want to get something new, that I worked my butt off to get, only to have it get hit.  Having a selfish moment, but damn.  I’ve had enough car trouble this year already, I don’t need anymore.

I’m freaking out.  I don’t want to drive, I’m too scared to.  I don’t want to buy another car (insurance is working on figuring out what to do with mine), and I’m just damn grateful to be alive.  I’m a wash of emotions.  I want to just stay home and cry, but I have work to do.  

Were I not taking a vacation starting next week, I would take a day off.  Maybe I could take one tomorrow...I haven’t decided yet.  I’m on the verge of another crying spell, and I’ve been holding back tears for the last hour or so.  

I can’t be brought down by this.  I have to soldier on.  So I had a brush with death.  I didn’t die, so why should I cry?  So it’s been less than 24 hours.  It’ll pass 24 hours and I can move on, right?  It’s simple to get over something like this, right?  24 hour rule.  All trauma gone, you move on with your life.

Yeah right.  Tears are coming back, I’m forcing myself to admit that I’m strong enough to handle this.  Get in an accident, come back to work.  I don’t have time to stay at home just because I’m crying every 5 minutes.  Man the fuck up and go to work.  This is not worth using your time off for.  

WHY THE FUCK AM I CRYING. Just, stop.  Man the fuck up and get back to work instead of griping.

Because I am traumatized.  It may not seem like a huge deal, but I had a brush with death.  We all did. A half second sooner and I could have been slammed into other cars instead of being spun. The damage could have been worse, but the fact is that it happened at all.

I had a brush with death and it scared the shit out of me.  I didn’t allow myself enough time to cry.  I need time...I need a lot of time.

I’ll finish up what work I have and see if I can go home.  I have the time.  I can take off tomorrow.  Take a three day weekend and process what has happened. 

No, I’m fine now.  There’s no need to go home.  I couldn’t go home for another couple of hours anyway.  Alex is busy, and Dad is out of town. So I could leave at 2pm at the earliest (which is fine because it’s my lunch hour and I’d leave 2 hours early, which I can do.  Then maybe, I can take tomorrow off to rest and grapple with what happened.

I feel like it’s a wasted day, but Alex is off tomorrow.  Maybe we could do something fun if the weather is nice.  We are going to see a show tomorrow and again on Saturday, so I hate to beg more time of him.

Then again, I don’t think he would be upset if I asked for time with him, or if I took a day off to have some time to recover.  I’m shaken, and I’m kind of a mess right now.  I go back and forth between crying and being okay, and I think I need a day to process it.

Done.  It is done.  Heading home in about 2 hours.  Sometimes you just have to take care of yourself.

Amid a busy and slightly fraught week of work, I have completed my first home-yoga video. After driving 123 miles (not that i’m counting) yesterday and not even hitting my 10,000 steps a day target even when I have gone for a walk on the beach after work, I have decided that it is time for boosting mindfulness and an all-over body workout. 

Pair this with my increasing lower back pain, it would make sense why I have just finished a yoga and foam roller workout (still sitting in my gym gear actually!)

I found this video: 

And it wasn’t half bad y’know! It’s not a sweaty workout vid, but it does bring awareness to good posture, breathing and any weaknesses in flexibility (my neck, shoulders and upper back are particularly stiff). 

It also made me feel really relaxed. I then did a 20 minute roll around on my squishy medicine ball because my spiky foam roller hurt me too much. Then I starting rolling around and throwing my legs in the air in a shoulder stand (which I forgot made air come out of places that air shouldn’t come out of...) 

So all in all, I think the positives from this evening are that I have become aware of my need to do something about my back pain, stiffness and how out of touch I am with my body and mind.