#selfhonesty

In a world where appearances often take priority over authenticity, being honest with yourself can feel like one of the hardest things to do. It requires you to pause, reflect, and confront truths that may not always be comfortable. Yet at Reform with Afsana, this honesty is not seen as a challenge to fear—but as a foundation for building deep, lasting inner calm.

We often associate calmness with external factors—quiet environments, stable routines, or the absence of stress. But true inner calm doesn’t come from controlling your surroundings. It comes from aligning with yourself. And that alignment begins with honesty.

When you are not honest with yourself, there is a constant internal conflict. You may ignore your feelings, suppress your needs, or convince yourself that everything is “fine” when it isn’t. Over time, this disconnect creates restlessness. You may not always be able to name it, but you can feel it—an unease that lingers beneath the surface.

At Reform with Afsana, we believe that inner calm is not something you find—it’s something you build. And honesty is the first step in that process.

Being honest with yourself means acknowledging what you truly feel, even when it doesn’t match what you think you should feel. It means recognizing when something no longer aligns with you, even if it once did. It means admitting when you are tired, overwhelmed, uncertain, or in need of change.

This kind of honesty is not about self-criticism. It’s about self-awareness.

At Reform with Afsana, we emphasize that honesty should be approached with compassion. You are not confronting your truth to judge yourself—you are doing it to understand yourself. And that understanding is what creates space for calm to grow.

One of the most powerful outcomes of self-honesty is clarity. When you stop avoiding your truth, you begin to see things more clearly. Decisions become easier because they are based on what genuinely feels right for you, not on external expectations or temporary emotions.

There is also a sense of relief that comes with being honest. Carrying unspoken truths, suppressed emotions, or unacknowledged desires can be mentally exhausting. But when you allow yourself to face them, that weight begins to lift.

At Reform with Afsana, we often remind ourselves that inner calm is not about having a perfect life—it’s about having a truthful relationship with yourself. When you are honest, you reduce the internal noise. You no longer have to pretend, justify, or overthink as much. You simply exist in alignment with who you are.

This doesn’t mean everything becomes easy. Honesty can bring difficult realizations. You may recognize patterns you need to break, relationships that need reevaluation, or changes that feel uncertain. But even in those moments, there is a sense of steadiness that comes from knowing you are being real with yourself.

And that steadiness is a form of calm.

At Reform with Afsana, we encourage you to practice small moments of honesty daily. It can be as simple as asking yourself, “How do I really feel right now?” or “What do I truly need?” These questions may seem simple, but they create a powerful shift in awareness.

Over time, these small acts of honesty build trust within yourself. You begin to rely on your own understanding rather than constantly seeking external validation. You become more grounded, more centered, and more confident in your choices.

This is how inner calm is built—not through avoidance, but through awareness. Not through perfection, but through authenticity.

At Reform with Afsana, the journey is not about becoming someone new. It’s about becoming more honest with who you already are. Because when you stop running from your truth and start embracing it, you create a sense of peace that is not dependent on circumstances.

You create a calm that stays with you—even in uncertain times.

Sometimes the Breakthrough Is Simply Telling Yourself the Truth

Not the polished version. Not the excuse. The honest one. Growth doesn’t always require a dramatic moment, sometimes it begins with quiet self-honesty. The moment you stop negotiating with yourself and face what’s real, clarity arrives and momentum follows. Truth simplifies.

As the Metamorphosis Coach, I help people create breakthroughs by returning to honesty, because when you stop lying to yourself, you stop blocking your own evolution. Self-truth is the doorway to change.

Fyodor Dostoevsky was the most popular and influential novelist of 19th century Russian literature. 

Born: Moscow - 11 November 1821 Died: Died: St. Petersburg - 9 February 1881

Siberian Exile: Dostoevsky experienced significant hardship early in life. In 1849, he was arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad for his involvement with the Petrashevsky Circle, a group of intellectuals critical of the tsarist regime. However, at the last moment, his sentence was commuted to four years of hard labor followed by exile in Siberia. This traumatic experience deeply influenced his later works.

Near-Death Experience: In 1849, while in prison awaiting his execution, Dostoevsky and several other prisoners were taken out to be shot. They underwent a mock execution, a psychological ordeal where they were lined up before a firing squad and had their sentences read aloud. The experience had a profound impact on Dostoevsky's outlook on life and death.

Gambling Addiction: Dostoevsky struggled with a serious gambling addiction throughout his life. His gambling habit led him to financial ruin, and he often found himself in dire straits. The theme of gambling and its destructive consequences is explored in his novella "The Gambler."

Marriage and Personal Life: Dostoevsky's first wife, Maria Dmitrievna Isaeva, died of tuberculosis just three months after their marriage in 1857. He remarried Anna Grigoryevna Snitkina, who played a crucial role in managing his finances and supporting his writing. Their marriage was a source of stability in Dostoevsky's tumultuous life.

Are there times when indulging in fantasy is healthy and life-giving? I've been reflecting on this question, since my last two blog posts about letting go and decluttering my fantasy self. I definitely think there is a place for embracing fantasy in our lives, in a conscious and balanced way. 

Of course, there are more obvious forms of fantasy, such as playing a role playing game (like dungeons and dragons), and various forms of fantasy-based entertainment such as cosplay, video games, and so on. Drag and burlesque can be fun and empowering ways for people to express different sides of themselves and their identity, too. It can give people a safe environment to express themselves in more masculine or feminine ways, which they may not feel comfortable doing as much in day to day life.

Further, fantasising about the life we want can have a positive side. Some people do find it uplifting to visualise the life they desire, as part of setting goals and gaining clarity about their future aspirations. Many people find things like vision boards and affirmations are motivating. I don't think we have to pathologise all of this necessarily! Most of us need something in the future to hope for, and goals to challenge us. Big, audacious dreams aren't always bad.

One key point I have learned is that it’s possible to be content in our circumstances, while not being content with them. It’s possible to practice mindfulness and be content, while still working on improving our lives.

Sometimes buying new clothes and accessories is great for our self-esteem, and helps us express ourselves more authentically. This can be a wonderful and empowering experience. I know it has been for me - coming out as bisexual has helped me feel freer to explore my aesthetic and style in new ways, and I feel much more "myself" than ever before. It's been exciting and fun to try more androgynous and gender non-conforming outfits, and to experiment with different looks. Fashion can be a form of art and self-expression.

For me, exploring fashion and clothing wasn't always just about buying for my fantasy self or fantasy life. Yes, there have been elements of that at times, and I have to stay mindful of it when shopping. Yet often it has been an experience of stripping away the layers of conditioning that held me back from expressing who I really am. 

So how do you tell the difference? When is the fantasy self (or selves!) toxic, versus supportive and empowering? Where do you draw the line? When does escapism become too much?

Unfortunately there is no clear, black and white line that is simple and obvious. But I would say there's a few questions you could ask yourself which may be helpful, and point you in the right direction:

1. Firstly, are you engaging in the fantasy in a conscious way? I find that the fantasy self is most problematic when I'm not aware of it, and it's largely influencing me subconsciously. If I'm aware of what I am doing and choosing to embrace it, then it's less likely to be problematic or affect my decision making in unhealthy ways. If we can name it and identify it, then that often reduces its power over us.

2. Secondly, does the activity/fantasy have an addictive or compulsive quality? Can you cope without it? If you can’t stop, it might be time to re-evaluate. What are you trying to escape from in your present reality, and is it something you can change? Do you have trauma, grief or other issues that you can address and heal? Consider what is the root of the problem, and if you can change it, start taking steps in that direction. I know this is not always so straightforward, so please have self compassion.

3. Thirdly, is the fantasy self (and the habits that accompany it) holding you back or negatively impacting your life in any way? Is it taking up a lot of time, money or energy that could be channelled elsewhere? Is it affecting your decision-making in problematic ways? Sometimes the fantasy self is obviously harmful, for example those who get into debt purchasing items for their fantasy self. In other cases, the effect may be much more subtle and intangible, by creating chronic dissatisfaction and difficulty being present.

Sometimes people are stuck in difficult or traumatic situations that they can't easily change, and in those cases I would say, it's fine to cope with escapism. In many cases, it’s less harmful than other addictions or compulsions, such as using substances. There’s no need for self-judgement or self-condemnation. But ideally, it's best if we can improve our circumstances and address whatever root cause is driving us to need to escape into the fantasy self in some way.

For example, when I was about 90% housebound with ME, scrolling through social media was often all I could do - and I didn't judge myself, because it was one of my few social outlets and ways of finding mental stimulation. However, as my health improved and my capacity increased, I realised that spending too much time on social media could actually hold me back from reaching my goals and actualising my potential. So I've had to re-evaluate some of these habits I developed in very difficult and painful times of my life. 

What enabled us to survive in the past will not always help us to thrive in the present and future. It’s not always easy to tell the difference, so be patient with yourself and give yourself grace. Radical acceptance isn’t just about accepting our circumstances and our reality as it is. It’s also about fully accepting ourselves, warts and all, and giving ourselves the love we long for. It sounds corny, but it can be incredibly powerful for healing trauma and transforming the trajectory of our lives.

Further Resources