#pan devotion

The feeling of being truly alive while giving a performance, the feeling of community and belonging in the theater, the feeling of going absolutely apeshit to your favorite music, the feeling of laughing and dancing and singing around a bonfire, the chaotic urge to be wild and free. Tough talking adolescent rebellion. The elegance of wine and the celebration of feast. The freedom of hedonism. The self love in pleasure and indulgence. The destruction of gender norms. The pursuit of a life free from societal expectations and standards. The mischievous thrill of deceit and acting. That androgynous model, your genderfluid friend, your pride in how you present, that feeling of being content and at ease with who you are. That’s Dionysus.

That feeling of making coffee while the sunrise shines through the window, that first morning stretch, that feeling of the sun’s warmth on a warm spring day. That feeling of unwinding by playing your favorite music and dancing, that creative spark, that passion for all things beautiful. That warm kind of happy. That loving feeling of taking care of your own health. That friend that brings you soup when you’re sick. That boy who’s proud of who he loves. That pretty young blonde guy you saw once in public and couldn’t help but admire. The strum of an acoustic guitar. The butterflies in your stomach when you see your crush. That’s Apollo.

The feeling of laughing till you cant breathe and your sides hurt, the sound of your genuine laugh, the thrill of mischief and theft. Starry-eyed excitement. Genuine grins. Your most loyal friends. Gossiping and snickering with your friends. Trying something new. The thrill of travel. Passion for learning about culture and languages. Devotion to your craft. Thats Hermes.

Self care and self love. Looking in the mirror and thinking "Damn Im hot as fuck". Pampering yourself. Loving your natural body. Standing up for women in need. Defending strangers at bars. That woman who helped you make it home safely. That woman who watched your drink for you. That woman who told off some man to defend a girl she didnt even know. The scent of roses, the taste of chocolate. The power in knowing your own worth. That’s Aphrodite.

The respect and honoring of wild animals. Caring for farm animals. Time spent walking or sitting in the forest. Appreciation of nature and wilderness. The feeling of letting go of stress and dancing in fields and getting drunk. The sound of a woodwind instrument. Being one with nature. Napping in the sun. Collecting little trinkets found in nature. That’s Pan

Small devotional acts.

Walk barefoot

Drive on the backroads – take the scenic route

Eat wild berries (be smart about it)

Wear browns, greens, oranges and purples

Listen to music that reminds you of him

Get a cozy wool sweater or cloak

Buy some pottery mugs or bowls

Go into a wild space and sit for a while

Collect things from nature (feathers, rocks, mosses, etc.)

Donate to or volunteer with an organization that saves wild animals

Learn to play a new instrument

Go wandering through a meadow

Keep your window open

Buy/read a field guide

Drink fresh juice

Get a new houseplant

Make a nature scene your screensaver

Drink your morning coffee/tea outside

Listen to nature/forest background sounds

Find a new animal you’ve never heard of and learn about it

Watch a nature documentary

Wear leafy jewelry/patterns

Get a candle that’s scented like the forest

Try a new outdoor activity or explore a new area

PRACTICE LOVING YOURSELF

Thought I better say something about that.

I haven't got proper words so here's what I can dredge up, inadequate as it is.

My god speaks to me in the language of trees and rocks. His words drip sap and strew dirt across the floor of my spiritual practice. To me that is sacred, but how do I explain it to those who do not know him?

(The following involves historical symbolism from Pan's myths and cultus, in which he is described as a god of forests, rocks, wilderness, mountains, caves, the panflute, hunting, and terror. So this is some mix of my personal experience with him and VPG.)

======================= Pan is like a cave.

Also he is like a wind playing that cave's mouth like a flute, and the dark terror of spiritual mystery within that cave.

His nature is like gorgeously delicate rock formations that took millennia to form hidden deep in the cave. His character is astonishingly lovely!

Yet to see who he is, I must first climb the steep mountain upon which the cave exists. Reciprocity demands effort.

For me, this is one of the ways godspousing plays out.

My daily practice is like... regular excursions up the mountain of my god, sweating and cursing the ruins of my theology, while others wonder what mad devotion afflicts me.

Because you see, Pan can be like that also: an inscrutable heap of craggy rock shrouded in fog, waiting for what approaches.

Like a silent hunter, the mountain of him consumes the offering of me as I enter the cave. My heart is ensnared by him: caught, trapped and devoured.

Romance? Ha!

No, this journey has required sacrifice, consistent effort, and turning away from human thought to explore spiritual wilderness.

Is there love in the cave of Pan? There can be, among many other experiences. I could speak of bloody passions, but that's too inhuman for mortal equivalence, and anyhow seeking love is not my goal.

Spiritual intimacy is the target instead.

When I emerge from the cave wild-eyed, yammering of otherworldly beauty and unspeakable mysteries, smelling of this god, people sniff in distaste.

It's not proper. There is a kind of horror inherent to a god consuming a person's devotion this way, which repels people.

They say I should value human respect more, pursue social standing and follow religious rules. Moderate my love and behave myself.

No. Not if that keeps me from this deity.

Pan and I have done various sorts of possessory work for 30 years now at least. This is not new for me, but even less so for him.

Pan is historically known for something called 'panolepsy,' which is when a person is possessed by Pan specifically. In ancient Arcadia, he was the most popular prophetic deity. Since possession was part of his cultus back then, he has had millennia of experience possessing humans and is quite good at it.

Over the years, we've experimented all kinds of ways. Degrees of possession. Different activities while possessed. Possession both here and in the astral. We've discussed boundaries and modern social difficulties around possession. We've worked hard on trust.

Now there's this new variation.

I don't even know what to call it. Dissolution? Assimilation? Symbiosis?

None of those words fully describe this.

It's far more mutual than most people think reasonable.

After all, possession is supposed to be all about the god controlling the human. That's what makes this so terrifying for people. They fear losing control of themselves, and not being able to wrest it back from their deity. Movies and TV shows have popularized possession as horror.

But what if the god isn't reveling in controlling their human? What if it isn't the deity sneering "Ha ha, now I can force you to do anything I want for my amusement. No matter how badly that affects you," like some people assume possession is?

What if instead... the god fills a person to overflowing with their energy, then shares agency with that human?

What if the deity and their human move together in that ecstatic state of wildness, instinctively wheeling in the wind of divine energy like some birds fly in synchronized clouds?

What if their two energies fit together like a key in a lock, because the god and human share the same energetic lumps and bumps? So the deity doesn't have to either shove aside or maneuver carefully around this person's energetic oddities, but instead easily fits into them like a hand in a custom-made glove?

What if they both share similar values, goals, passions, and desires? So god and human aren't in opposition, but instead naturally dance together?

What if... possession becomes an act of merged control, of joyful intimacy, of deep trust, while accomplishing mutually desired things together?

I guess maybe I'm weird.

Looking around the godspousing community, it appears that many godspouses experience warm, fuzzy, romantic feelings, hot sex, and various kinds of inner healing. Those are fine, if they're what people need or want.

I also understand people sometimes focus on those topics rather than discuss deeper, more vulnerable things.

However, that's not me.

I've never been the romantic sort, even when I was married to a human. So no, romance is not the goal of my godspousing relationship. Do we occasionally do things other people would interpret as romantic? Yeah, but feeling ooey-gooey things is not the point.

Sex is a given, since I am a very sexual person married a fertility god. We're both experienced, so we have a lot of fun in bed. But loads of pleasure isn't the goal either. It's only a side effect we experience along the way.

Inner healing also is a thing for us. I grew up in hell, where everyday abuse was seen as normal. Becoming a godspouse required sorting through decades of religious and familial trauma. So yeah, inner work has been necessary for this spiritual path. But again, healing is a prerequisite and a by-product, not the main purpose.

What is the goal then, for us?

To understand the god, as much as a human can. At least, that's what my spouse showed me near the beginning of our godspousing relationship.

This means going into the world of my god and observing him, in his native habitat. It means living with him there, allowing myself to learn his ways.

It means unzipping my humanity and briefly setting that aside, to experience things through my god's eyes. His inhumanity, without trying to force him into a box of human expectations.

That requires me to go into the caves of his nature, into his darkness, and explore how he experiences himself. I must also climb the mountain of him, up his steep rocky sides, over deep crevasses and fallen logs, to know how the snowy peak of him reflects the light.

I have to be willing to see every aspect of this god, and he has brought me many over the last few years. It is like being in love with a galaxy, and traveling to each star within that galaxy to learn its climate, topography, seasons, fauna and flora.

That is why I'm a godspouse.

Everything we do together ultimately serves this goal of deeper intimacy.

Sex creates opportunities to viscerally experience a living metaphor for spiritual intimacy.

Any romance tightens our emotional bond, thus allowing more trust and greater closeness.

Inner healing helps remove my unhealthy projections from previous trauma, so I can more clearly see who my god actually is without adding my own ideas of who he might be.

All the above facilitates more closeness, but are not end goals in themselves. They are mere tools in my god's hand, to accomplish his goal of showing me himself.

Knowing my god is always the end goal of my godspousing relationship. In all his many aspects, and all his ways of being.