#deity pan

Now I'm single, potentially dating an amazing guy, and have the most wonderful person in my life supporting me for over a year now, helping me be as good as I can be

Pan and I have done various sorts of possessory work for 30 years now at least. This is not new for me, but even less so for him.

Pan is historically known for something called 'panolepsy,' which is when a person is possessed by Pan specifically. In ancient Arcadia, he was the most popular prophetic deity. Since possession was part of his cultus back then, he has had millennia of experience possessing humans and is quite good at it.

Over the years, we've experimented all kinds of ways. Degrees of possession. Different activities while possessed. Possession both here and in the astral. We've discussed boundaries and modern social difficulties around possession. We've worked hard on trust.

Now there's this new variation.

I don't even know what to call it. Dissolution? Assimilation? Symbiosis?

None of those words fully describe this.

It's far more mutual than most people think reasonable.

After all, possession is supposed to be all about the god controlling the human. That's what makes this so terrifying for people. They fear losing control of themselves, and not being able to wrest it back from their deity. Movies and TV shows have popularized possession as horror.

But what if the god isn't reveling in controlling their human? What if it isn't the deity sneering "Ha ha, now I can force you to do anything I want for my amusement. No matter how badly that affects you," like some people assume possession is?

What if instead... the god fills a person to overflowing with their energy, then shares agency with that human?

What if the deity and their human move together in that ecstatic state of wildness, instinctively wheeling in the wind of divine energy like some birds fly in synchronized clouds?

What if their two energies fit together like a key in a lock, because the god and human share the same energetic lumps and bumps? So the deity doesn't have to either shove aside or maneuver carefully around this person's energetic oddities, but instead easily fits into them like a hand in a custom-made glove?

What if they both share similar values, goals, passions, and desires? So god and human aren't in opposition, but instead naturally dance together?

What if... possession becomes an act of merged control, of joyful intimacy, of deep trust, while accomplishing mutually desired things together?

I guess maybe I'm weird.

Looking around the godspousing community, it appears that many godspouses experience warm, fuzzy, romantic feelings, hot sex, and various kinds of inner healing. Those are fine, if they're what people need or want.

I also understand people sometimes focus on those topics rather than discuss deeper, more vulnerable things.

However, that's not me.

I've never been the romantic sort, even when I was married to a human. So no, romance is not the goal of my godspousing relationship. Do we occasionally do things other people would interpret as romantic? Yeah, but feeling ooey-gooey things is not the point.

Sex is a given, since I am a very sexual person married a fertility god. We're both experienced, so we have a lot of fun in bed. But loads of pleasure isn't the goal either. It's only a side effect we experience along the way.

Inner healing also is a thing for us. I grew up in hell, where everyday abuse was seen as normal. Becoming a godspouse required sorting through decades of religious and familial trauma. So yeah, inner work has been necessary for this spiritual path. But again, healing is a prerequisite and a by-product, not the main purpose.

What is the goal then, for us?

To understand the god, as much as a human can. At least, that's what my spouse showed me near the beginning of our godspousing relationship.

This means going into the world of my god and observing him, in his native habitat. It means living with him there, allowing myself to learn his ways.

It means unzipping my humanity and briefly setting that aside, to experience things through my god's eyes. His inhumanity, without trying to force him into a box of human expectations.

That requires me to go into the caves of his nature, into his darkness, and explore how he experiences himself. I must also climb the mountain of him, up his steep rocky sides, over deep crevasses and fallen logs, to know how the snowy peak of him reflects the light.

I have to be willing to see every aspect of this god, and he has brought me many over the last few years. It is like being in love with a galaxy, and traveling to each star within that galaxy to learn its climate, topography, seasons, fauna and flora.

That is why I'm a godspouse.

Everything we do together ultimately serves this goal of deeper intimacy.

Sex creates opportunities to viscerally experience a living metaphor for spiritual intimacy.

Any romance tightens our emotional bond, thus allowing more trust and greater closeness.

Inner healing helps remove my unhealthy projections from previous trauma, so I can more clearly see who my god actually is without adding my own ideas of who he might be.

All the above facilitates more closeness, but are not end goals in themselves. They are mere tools in my god's hand, to accomplish his goal of showing me himself.

Knowing my god is always the end goal of my godspousing relationship. In all his many aspects, and all his ways of being.

Source, watercolor pencil & mixed media, by AnthonySpearsFae

Spring Prayer To Pan

Beautiful Pan,

Upswelling with spring sap,

Show me where I need growth

And push me toward it,

Inexorable as unfurling leaves.

Lord of the Chase,

Fill me with budding ideas that

Pursue new opportunities.

Like hunters seek fresh flesh,

Pan at the river Ladon, contemplating the reeds Syrinx the nymph transformed herself into.

Drawn by @nightrandi, here