#ngionah

Jue was trying to memorize a list of all the Beri Empire's territories when the invitation arrived.

From hir study, ze heard Ngionah at the door say "Oh, Lady Paona!" and then speak too quietly for hir to make out. Feeling hir geography tutor's sharp eyes on hir, ze kept hir gaze on the page.

Ngionah knocked on the door that joined the study to Jue's sitting room. "Lady Paona Qeifiot Ragonia here to see you, Your Majesty."

Paona outranked Jue's tutor, and Raiqiongshē had probably impressed upon ei-san the importance of the betrothal candidates, so ei-sa let hir go for the afternoon.

Paona stood to greet hir. "Your Majesty."

"Lady Paona," ze replied uneasily. This visit had not been planned.

"My cousin Lania is hosting a party," said Paona. She held out a colourfully-inked envelope. "Ai-lo has asked me to deliver you the invitation."

"Oh." Jue took it unenthusiastically. "I see."

Lady Lania Qeifiot's parties were well-known for getting… out of hand. Intense. Improper. Jue did not want to go to one.

"I delivered it myself because I thought you might need some encouragement," said Paona. "Lania would be very honoured to have you. All of the betrothal candidates will be there, except for Shio. I would like to observe how they all interact. Also, I know how you feel about… marital duties, and some exposure to immodest displays might do you good and help you get over that aversion."

Jue pursed hir lips. Maybe Paona was right. Maybe it would help. And o-lo was right about seeing how they interacted with each other in a more casual setting.

"Is Princess Seitlēn going to be there?" ze asked. Maybe ze could handle it better with a friendly face there too.

Paona winced delicately. "I do not believe o-mē has been invited. A party of this sort…"

Jue understood what o-lo was not saying. Deep in hir memory, ze heard Paona's childhood voice calling hir slow when o-lo thought ze was not near, doing an imitation for their other friends' amusement, and felt a hot flash of anger on Sei's behalf. "O-mē would greatly enjoy it. To be perfectly honest, o-mē would enjoy it much more than I would. I will go if Seitlēn is also welcome."

Jue had passed on Paona's instructions to Attenant Seina. Wear something fun. More casual. Pizzazz.

"Eyes closed," ū-rei instructed.

Jue closed hir eyes obediently, chewing on the inside of hir cheek. Hir unruly eyebrows had been plucked back into definition again this morning, and the space right above the bridge of hir nose was still tender. Ze hoped Attendant Seina would remember to be gentle there.

Attendant Seina lightly dusted blue and gold over hir eyelids. "I am surprised that you are going to an event like this."

"Lady Paona insisted," Jue said, trying to move hir face as little as possible.

"It reminds me that you are growing up," ū-rei said. "No longer really a child, are you? All dressed up to go to one of Lady Lania's parties, soon to be married, the same leg length for the tailors every time this year."

Jue felt unexpected emotion well up inside of hir, and not about ū-reis mention of marriage. "I… I suppose so."

Attendant Seina had been there for seven years now, looking after Jue bodily ever since Beo!raad's dismissal as hir nurse. Ū-rei had watched hir grow from a child into- well, like ū-rei had said, almost an adult. When ze died, ū-rei would probably be the one to wash and dress hir body for the last time.

Ze knew better, of course ze knew better, but in that moment, Attendant Seina's hands gently and competently working hir hair felt almost parental.

Jue blinked rapidly. Ze did not want to cry and ruin the makeup ū-rei had just applied.

Ze looked at hir face- hir mask- in the mirror. It glittered unusually colourfully in the bright vanity lights. "You did my face well. Lady Paona will like it."

"Thank you," said Attendant Seina. "Will o-lo be accompanying you from here?"

Jue almost nodded and stopped hirself just in time to avoid accidental hair yanking. "Yes."

"Forgive the sensitive question, but… do you favour o-lon for your marriage?"

Under the heavy makeup, Jue knew hir skin must be red with discomfort. "Not- like that," ze said awkwardly. "But o-lo is most familiar to me out of everyone. Everyone else is new to me. Lady Paona and I were friends as children."

Ze wished ze could forget why that friendship had ended. The lesson to never trust anyone, even friends, especially friends, was burned deep into hir core.

Paona arrived to pick hir up at exactly the agreed upon time. "You look wonderful, Your Majesty."

"Thank you," said Jue, self-consciously tugging at hir sleeves. "You as well, Lady Paona."

As they approached Lania's quarters, Jue brought up something that had been lingering awkwardly in hir mind. "Um… Lady Paona, as to the, uh, nature of your cousin's parties… I was under the impression that Lady Lania was married?"

"Oh, yes," said Paona. "Ai-lo is married. Ai-los wife is often away at the front and I expect has lovers of ai-los own there, and- Thank you-" An attendant let them into Lania's music-filled sitting room. "Lady Lania's husband doesn't exactly mind."

O-lo gestured across the room with o-los chin.

Jue recognized Lania's husband, a lord in ai-los mid-twenties, hanging off the arm of another lord in a way that even ze recognized as flirtatious.

Ze looked away, but did not find anywhere more comfortable to fix hir gaze. Ze ended up staring down at the top of Paona's head in embarrassment.

Lania floated over to greet them. Ai-lo was wearing layers of sheer fabric. Left very visible by the gown was some sort of heavily-sequined garment with much less skin coverage than typical Rāmiq underclothes.

Jue felt very much like ze was not meant to be here. This was a party for real adults. For people who did not get uncomfortable just seeing half-bare bodies and flirtatious touches. For people who enjoyed the company of others at all.

It was, technically speaking, eavesdropping, which was rude.

Jue had a spell. Ze was supposed to use it to help focus hir hearing on hir conversation partners when there was a lot of background noise. Ze was using it to focus in on other people's conversations instead, because that was the only way ze was going to get information, for hir own safety and for Talí.

Everyone thought Mkera was very exotic and interesting, which sat uncomfortably with Jue in a way ze could not quite explain.

Jiremau kept trying to join groups and being subtly snubbed. Jue hoped o-mē did not notice that it was being done on purpose. Ze wished ze had not made such a big deal of the incident at the ball.

Waleiyi had managed to gather a small crowd around ai-lon. Unlike Jue, they seemed very interested in ai-los war stories.

"Oh, Lady General, will you protect us if the rebels attack again like they did at the exposition?" One of the other nobles batted ai-los eyelashes at Waleiyi. "Will you scoop me up and carry me to safety? Or lead the charge against them and pummel their forces into submission?"

Waleiyi's face remained blank, as it usually was. "My first priority would of course be the safety of the royal family, but yes, I would protect you as well."

"Speaking of the exposition," said another of the young nobles. "I noticed there were fewer Initiates from the Temple of Corysecli than usual. Isn't your brother an Initiate of Corysecli, Lady General?"

"Yes."

"Not fit for much else, was o-nai," someone said snidely.

Waleiyi all but flinched. "It is a longstanding tradition in my family for the second-born child to join the Temple of Corysecli."

"Līsandyr wasn't exactly the second child, though, was he?"

"Right, there was Lord General Sūl's bastard daughter, wasn't there?"

Waleiyi twitched. "My father's impropriety has no bearing on my brother's status as my mother's second child, and Līsandyr is a powerful mage. O-nai is a credit to the Temple."

"Did you inherit any of that magic, Lady General?" asked the first noble, the one who had been asking Waleiyi to protect ai-lon. "The royal family could certainly do with some of your power in their bloodline, well, if you know what I'm saying." Ai-lo gave a pointed glance in Jue's distinctly magicless direction, and Jue decided ze was done listening to this conversation for now. Ze did not need more reminders of hir inadequacy.

Ze let the sound-focus spell rest and just absorbed whatever snippets of conversation ze happened to pick up from hir place in a corner armchair. Paona must have been doing the same, watching and listening, since o-lo never tried to engage hir in conversation.

Drifting by, a pair discussed Onarys's pregnancy.

"…second trimester?"

"I believe so. The announcement was only a cycle ago. Ē-hā is not so round yet to be in the third."

"I assume they've had it tested for…"

They left Jue's range of hearing. Ze did not follow them with hir spell. Onarys had been good about keeping Jue up to date with how the pregnancy was going. They seemed to expect that it would be wonderful for Jue to have a little cousin, and Jue did not have the heart to tell them that ze was not that excited about it.

"Did you see those sigils in the sky?"

"My gods, they were so cool. Not to give any credit to those Norvics or the rebels, but-"

"They really were impressive. They should have Ausse give us a magic show next time o-pā is arrested." A laugh. "One last chance to see power like that before o-pā is executed."

"They sooo should…"

Jue brought hirself back to real focus when Ynesalinau approached, trailed by Sei.

Ynesalinau and ze greeted each other appropriately.

Paona greeted Ynesalinau, then said something in Beri. Of course Paona spoke Beri. They quickly became immersed in conversation Jue could not understand.

"Sei, are you having fun?" ze asked.

Sei's slender fingers tapped on her speech device. "Yes! Having lots fun with Yna and looking at everyone outfits."

Jue was not sure how to feel about the fact that Sei apparently had a nickname for Ynesalinau already.

"Do you have a favourite of the outfits you have seen?" ze asked.

"Lady Lania dress very interesting," said Sei. "Fabric and style not common. Dancers' costumes very fun, very good dancing costumes. You outfit, very appropriate for this party. Good jewellery with bodice. Bit conservative with skin but very good sparkles, good embroidery patterns, colours."

"Oh," said Jue. "Thanks. Attendant Seina helped me figure it out."

Sei wandered over to be closest to Ynesalinau again, leaving Jue wishing ze had continued the conversation more clearly. Ze knew better than to leave any open conversational space with Sei. She lost attention and left.

From their tones, Paona and Ynesalinau seemed to be sparring verbally, but there was none of the tension Jue had felt between Waleiyi and the Lieutenant Initiate at the ball.

Speaking of the ball…

Jue turned hir head back towards Jiremau, who was now sitting on a couch in the corner of the room. Suinak had joined o-mēn.

Two betrothal candidates talking together- that could be important. Ze turned hir spell on them.

"I've always wanted this," Suinak was saying. "Getting this opportunity- to marry into the family, to come here at all- it felt like a dream come true, like the adventure I always wished for. But now that I'm here- I'm such an outsider, and I'm so afraid that I'm going to screw it all up…"

"You can't do worse than I have," Jiremau muttered.

"You're a princess already, though," said Suinak. "Not like me. I have no bloodline behind me like the rest of you do."

"Yeah, it's only…" Jiremau sighed. "Yna's always been better than me, and everyone knows that, but… oh, I just can't go home. I've been a token of bad luck all my life because of the way I look and I just wanted a fresh start but now no one except you will talk to me here either."

Suinak reached for Jiremau's hand, and they were quiet for a moment.

"It's really lonely, being the only Fūtiq person here," Suinak confessed. "Well- there's the territory's representative, but- we are not remotely close in age. Other than ei-pān, it's just me now."

"Were you and Inoj… close?" Jiremau asked delicately.

"No." Suinak shook o-pās head. "No, we didn't like each other much, but I still… I don't want anyone to think I'm like that, you know? But I still feel like I miss o-pān, I miss just… having someone else from the same place around."

The party went very late. Jue was nearly falling asleep in hir chair by midnight, and it showed no signs of slowing.

Even Paona had become less focused in o-los watching.

"Princess Seitlēn and Princess Ynesalinau seem to be getting on well," Paona said, nodding towards where Sei had climbed into Ynesalinau's lap and was playing with o-mēs fancy braids.

"Get a room!" someone shouted in their direction, to a chorus of laughter.

They did not seem to mind, but Jue felt a churning in hir stomach at what they were implying. "You could say that," ze replied to Paona.

"I think it's genuinely mutual," said Paona. "Princess Seitlēn's attachment does not worry me much, because I think Princess Ynesalinau likes o-mēn just as well."

"That's good," Jue said, vigilance over hir words slipping a bit. "I want Sei to be happy."

Mkera drifted over to them. The novelty of o-mēn seemed to have worn off for the partygoers, who had by now clustered back into their established friend groups.

"May I sit?" o-mē asked.

Jue thought about what Suinak had said about being lonely, and how Mkera must be very lonely here too. There were no other Siolei here at all, not even servants, and o-mēn had only been learning Rāmiloq at all for a short time.

Ze nodded and gestured to the empty spot. "You are welcome to join us."

"Thank you."

O-mē did not speak much, though Paona did try to start a conversation a few times. Jue was not surprised, and did not blame o-mēn at all.

The hired dancers in their bright costumes became a blur as ze fought to keep hir eyes open.

When Lania pulled one of them giggling into ai-los lap and tucked a roll of bills into ai-fos cleavage, Jue decided it was time for hir to finally leave.

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The courts were going to see a big exposition in the Zioshue Arena. It was Jue's date with Waleiyi. It was not a private event, but ai-lo had the seat of honour next to hir.

There were going to be singers and dancers, which was okay, and then a show by the Temple of Corysecli, and a then series of fights, which Jue did not like, and then the execution of a big rebel (apparently big- Jue was not to know anything about the ongoing rebellions, as usual), which Jue had been stuck on the toilet for ages this morning upset about.

Flowers wreathed hir seat in the royal box. Jue recognized one of hir favourites, one ze had only mentioned liking in front of Fiitsãn. It sent a pang through hir heart.

"Send my thanks to the gardeners and the arrangers," ze said, hoping it would get to Fiitsãn. Ze was not sure what the status of their relationship was right now, after what ze had said, but Fiitsãn had picked or recommended flowers for hir he knew ze liked and that deserved to be acknowledged.

Ze settled into the cushioned seat and tried to resign hirself to a long, unpleasant day.

As everyone found their spots, Jiremau approached hir. Paona, who was nearby, began to redirect o-mēn, but Jue waved o-lon off.

Ze hoped the wave had not been too dismissive.

"Your Majesty," Jiremau said nervously.

"Your Highness," Jue said, trying to maintain a neutral and friendly tone.

"I wanted to apologize for my behaviour at the ball," Jiremau said. "I hope you can forgive me. I know my royal cousin is more beautiful and more intelligent than I, and I hoped to spark some interest in myself through other means, but I was overly enthusiastic and conducted myself most inappropriately. I am truly regretful."

"I accept your apology," said Jue. Jiremau could not have known ze would react so badly. "I appreciate your honesty."

"Thank you," said Jiremau. "I am ever so grateful."

O-mē made o-mēs way across to o-mēs assigned place.

The show soon started. "Your fondness for music is well-known," Waleiyi said. "Do you come to this arena often?"

"Only when the court comes for big events," Jue said. "I do like the musical part."

"Do you not enjoy the fighting?"

"Not… as much," said Jue. Ze did not want to be seen as weak. "Not to say I dislike any of it! Only that I like the music best."

Waleiyi continued trying to make polite conversation, and Jue continued trying not to ruin the polite conversation.

The musicians played in the Divine Soldiers and Initiates as the dancers faded back. Jue noted from the colours of the uniforms that the Vessel was not present.

Ze frowned. There were only seven Initiates. There had been nine last time ze had seen their display.

"I know your family is connected to the Temple?" Jue said. Ze was embarrassed by the uncertainty in hir voice.

Waleiyi stiffened slightly. "Yes. In my mother's family it is tradition for the second-born child to join the service of Corysecli."

"Is your brother here?" Jue scanned the Initiates' faraway faces, trying to pick out the one who looked the most like Waleiyi.

"Yes," said Waleiyi finally. Ai-lo said no more in the moment, and Jue was too shy to ask, but when the Initiates showed off different tricks, ai-lo pointed at one and said quietly, "That's o-nain."

Waleiyi's brother handily spun a long wooden staff around o-nais body, then dissolved it into dust and sparks of gold magic to a chorous of cheers.

Jue was impressed. Ze always liked seeing artistic displays of magic, despite the ever-present ache of hir own lack of magical ability. The agility, too, was something ze could never manage, but the Initiates were showing it off because their skills were unusual, not something Jue was supposed to do but could not.

Although ze had seen it before, ze was still completely fascinated by how the Lieutenant Initiate pulled the divine sword of Corysecli from within ai-nais own body. It made something in Jue's own flesh recoil, as if hir blood was also being turned to metal, but there was a kind of yearning too, for that kind of command over hirself. It felt like it should not be possible.

Waleiyi huffed. "Nobody uses swords in the real world anymore. When I was at the front-"

Jue pretended to care about Waleiyi's war stories as the Temple finished and the fights started. Ai-lo seemed to have been everywhere, and the way ai-lo told it, personally saved hundreds of people's lives.

One of the fighters took a kick to the chest and went skidding backwards. Jue winced at the cloud of dust that rose as a-fos body hit the ground.

Waleiyi paused in ai-los retelling. "Your Majesty, you know this is all for show, right? The fighters are professionals. They know how to make it look good without doing too much real damage."

Jue swallowed hard. "I know."

Waleiyi nodded sharply. "Good. You are nice to be concerned for them, but know that in this case you have no need to worry."

The fights went on. A Norve fighter held up a banner after winning once, and it caused a stir, but of course Jue did not know what it meant because no one told hir anything.

Finally, it was time for the execution. Jue wanted to cover hir face, but ze would be scolded for childishness.

The traitor looked young when o-pā was brought out to jeers from the crowd, probably not much older than Jue, and only had half an arm in total. Jue had a hard time believing o-pā could be very dangerous, but the numerous guards around o-pān told a different story.

Jue thought distantly of how ze had never seen anyone die before. Ze had known people who had died- more than enough of them- and had seen their bodies afterwards for the funerals, but even with hir stepfather whom ze had been able to say goodbye to, ze had not been there for the moment of death. Ze wondered if it was actually possible to see the soul leave the body.

Ze wondered if the rebel was scared, and if it would hurt for long. Ze hoped not.

An awful, sudden scraping noise echoed all through the arena.

Jue looked around in confusion. Hir gaze followed pointed fingers up to the domed roof.

It was opening.

It was far too cold to have the roof open. Everyone was standing up, looking around, shouting. Ngionah had found the seating attendant for their box and pulled a-rūn aside, probably demanding to know what was going on.

Waleiyi pulled hir up out of hir seat. In the chaos, Jue could not make out a single one of ai-los words.

Ai-lo seemed to recognize this. "Evacuation," ai-lo signed- a sign every Rāmian child knew, part of the basic military list.

Lightning struck in the middle of the arena as Waleiyi put ai-los body between Jue and the sand.

Strong wind pulled at hir tightly-woven hair and long clothes as Waleiyi pulled hir along. Ze had never been so close to a helicopter. Brilliant purple and gold symbols- symbols of gods whose names escaped hir, frustratingly- blazed in the sky.

Ngionah pushed ē-zius way through the courtiers to them. Ē-ziu lifted Jue up like a baby, and hir head spun as ze was suddenly sideways.

"You do not need to-" ze began to say, unheard by anyone.

"I've got it," said Waleiyi irritably. Ai-lo followed them as Ngionah cleared a path out of the arena with ē-zius broad shoulders.

"Please put me-" Jue tried again. Ze bit hir cheek painfully when someone bumped into them.

"Now is not the time to argue, Lady General," said Ngionah. Ē-ziu cocked a hip towards Waleiyi, tilting Jue again, and ze clung to the front of ē-zius jacket. "Take my gun and shoot anyone who gets too close."

As they jostled down a flight of stairs, Jue gave up protesting hir position and buried hir face in Ngionah's uniform and tried to stay still. Ze could feel the walls closing in and the long and bumpy fall that awited hir. Ze was about to cry and was very ready to be done with this.

No tantrums. No tantrums. No tantrums.

Ze was going to die. The arena would collapse and they would be buried alive. Everything was so loud and confusing around them.

Ze clamped down on hir tongue with hir molars and held the fabric of Ngionah's uniform tightly in hir fists. Ze must not scream and ze must not kick and ze must not cry. Ze had to act grown up if ze wanted anyone to ever respect hir.

Tears stung hir eyes now. Ze had to keep them in. Only children got scared and cried.

The biting cold told hir they were outside now. Ngionah and Waleiyi were talking but it was all a meaningless jumble for hir. Ze hated not knowing what they were saying.

Ze wished ze could just cover hir ears. It was frustrating and loud but useless. Hir hands were too cold to loosen hir grip even if ze wanted to.

The air stabbed at hir nostrils when ze tried to breathe away the tears. It hurt.

Then there was warmth again, and the sound of a heavy door falling shut.

"Jue." Ngionah spoke close to hir ear. "We are in the Temple of Corysecli. We are safe now. I am going to put you down in a minute. Stretch out your legs to catch yourself."

Okay. Okay. Jue nodded.

Ze tried to subtly wipe hir face on Ngionah's jacket as ē-ziu set hir down. All it did was knock hir glasses out of place more.

Corysecli, please make me stronger. They were in Her Temple, after all. Maybe it would be different than all the other times ze had prayed for strength. Maybe it would work this time. Maybe.

"Come upstairs, Your Majesty, Lady General, Captain," said the Lieutenant, translating for the Vessel. "We hope the recieving room will be comfortable for you. My Divine Soldiers will bring you blankets and drinks to help you warm up."

"Th-Thank you," said Jue, hir teeth only chattering a little bit. "We are v-v-very grateful."

After bringing them upstairs, the Lieutenant left to get the other Divine Soldiers. Jue tried to smile politely at the Vessel and make the right amount of eye contact and was very conscious of hir poor signing ability. Maybe Waleiyi or Ngionah could do better, except Jue outranked them and it would be inappropriate for them to start a conversation instead of hir.

"Thank you again for hosting us," ze tried. Maybe the cold could cover for hir clumsy hands and red face. Even then, ze was so slow to get out a whole sentence.

The Vessel replied too quickly for Jue to understand.

Ze was glad when the Lieutenant came back. One of the Divine Soldiers was with ū-nain, carrying a pile of blankets.

"The drinks are being prepared," the Lieutenant said.

"Thank you," Jue said again. Ze tucked the thick blanket tightly around hirself. It reminded hir of Talí looking after hir and Fiitsãn when ze had felt so scared and helpless, and that gave hir an idea. Maybe ze could get something for Talí out of this.

As warmth slowly returned to hir bones, ze put on hir scared-est face and most focused mind. "What would be the plan if the rebels attacked the palace like that?"

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Chapter One: Jue: Getting Out

Younger Emperor Jeilajue Haishionā Henor Serip Rian of Rāmia, named for hir royal grandfather and all three parents, could not do hir duty to the empire.

Raiqiongshē, the Elder Emperor and Jue's uncle and guardian, had announced the support of the goddess of conquest, and now they were at war, and war meant alliances needed to be solidified- which meant Jue could no longer put off betrothal. Jue could not do betrothal and certainly could not do marriage and children. Ze could not do it even for hir family and for the good of the empire and to have consorts more skilled at politics than ze ever could be. It made hir a bad Rian and a bad emperor and a bad Rāmian, but ze just… could not.

Ze had to get out of it one way or another. The best option, which was not a very good option, was to escape the palace and go on the run. Ze would have to avoid hir guards, and ze would have to learn to survive by hirself, and every step of it was going to be difficult and dangerous, but it was still hir best option.

Maybe Fiitsãn could help. He might be able to help hir escape somehow, and maybe could tell hir what ze would need to survive on hir own in the world as a disabled teenager. Anyway, Fiitsãn deserved at least a goodbye.

Ze looked at the clock. Fiitsãn would be back from school by now.

"I wish to go for a walk in the gardens," Jue announced.

Ngionah Ruol, the captain of hir guard, offered ē-zius arm to Jue.

Ze briefly thought about turning it down, but ze was in no way feeling well enough to focus on grace right now. "Thanks," ze said, and held on.

"You've been very quiet and stiff for a while," said Ngionah. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. Just tired," lied Jue, as usual.

"Okay."

They went to the gardens without talking any more.

Jue liked the gardens. Fiitsãn did not do much of it yet, but ze did not always know which parts he had worked on, so ze liked to look at hir favourite pieces and be proud of him for whatever he had helped with. It was also nice to get some open space and fresh air.

"Are you looking for your friend?" Ngionah asked quietly.

Jue nodded. Ngionah was one of the few people who knew. Raiqiongshē would never approve of a friendship between his nephew and a lowly apprentice gardener.

Fiitsãn was Jue's best friend. Fiitsãn was Jue's only friend, really, because Ngionah was just doing a job.

"I heard the news," Fiitsãn said when they found him trimming some trees. "How are you holding up?"

Ngionah stood back a respectful distance to give them some privacy.

"I can't do it." Ze was not really in a state to watch hir words for contractions, and Fiitsãn was safe, anyway.

Fiitsãn sighed- which Jue's hearing aids did not pick up, but which was obvious from his whole body- and put the clippers down. "I know."

"I need to run away."

Fiitsãn frowned. "Are you sure that's the right choice?"

"I need to get out somehow," said Jue. Ze had so far managed not to cry, but that was not going to hold much longer. "Fiitsãn… I'm scared. I'm scared I might kill myself if I can't get out some other way. I can't get married."

"Oh…" said Fiitsãn. He looked around and then reached out. "Jue… Come here."

Jue looked around too, but there was only Ngionah in sight. Ze buried hir face in Fiitsãn's halo of pink curls.

"Can you help me?" ze mumbled.

"I can't hear you," said Fiitsãn. "Wrong side. Sorry."

Jue stepped back. "No. I am sorry. I forgot. Can… Can you help me? Please?"

"Yeah," said Fiitsãn. "Of course. What do you need me to do- distract people? Maybe you could go stay with my grandparents in the city, they'd keep it quiet and look after you for a bit-"

Jue was already shaking hir head.

"Okay. Nowhere they can trace you to, right?"

Jue nodded.

"Do you… have a plan?"

"Yes," said Jue, which was barely true.

Fiitsãn raised an eyebrow.

"I will leave the palace and I will get on an airship and I will bring some money and clothes."

"Alone?" Fiitsãn said. "You could ask Captain Ruol to come with you-"

"No. Alone." Ngionah would stop hir.

"Okay," said Fiitsãn. "When do you plan to leave?"

"As soon as I can."

Except, when Jue tried to leave hir room that night, ze was locked in.

After a lot of yanking and kicking and swearing, ze threw hirself face down on hir bed and pulled hir teddy bear, Shai, out of the bag ze had been planning to take.

Ze screamed into the pillow.

Someone had found out. Had Fiitsãn told? Had Ngionah heard them talking? Was ze just that predictable?

Ze rolled over. The pillow on hir face made hir feel even more trapped.

It was lucky, too, because it meant ze could see the door opening, which ze never would have heard. Ze rapidly shoved Shai under hir covers- Shai, like Fiitsãn, was a secret. Everyone already thought Jue was childish enough because of hir trisomy 21.

It was Alokti. Out of Raiqiongshē's three consorts, they had been married the longest, but of course it was not Raiqiongshē. Of course Raiqiongshē was too busy for Jue.

She opened her mouth to speak, but in a fit of frustration, Jue turned off hir hearing aids.

"Excuse me." Neither Alokti nor Jue were very good at signing, but Jue got the message. "Turn those back on and listen to me."

Jue considered the pros and cons of continuing to ignore her, sighed heavily, and switched them back on. Ze did not want to talk to Alokti, but ze also really did not like being a problem.

"Why were you going to run away, Jeilajue?"

"I do not want to get married," Jue said. "You all know that."

"It is not as scary as it seems," Alokti said. "I was nervous when I married your uncle, and it has turned out very well. We will not put you in any danger, Jue. Each candidate has been and will continue to be thoroughly vetted."

"I want to go to bed," said Jue. "Leave me alone. Please. I am very tired."

"Should I send Attendant Seina back in to help you back into your pyjamas?"

"No," said Jue. "Do not bother ū-rein. I can do it myself." The buttons were very hard to manipulate, but ze had changed out of them, and ze could change back in. Attendant Seina did not deserve to have to get up to deal with this.

"Okay. Goodnight." She paused. "We love you, Jue. I hope you can remember that."

"I love you too," said Jue, which made everything worse, because it was true.

Ze had given up with the buttons and pulled hir embroidered tunic back on, so when ze was shaken awake, ze was mostly dressed.

Fiitsãn put a finger to his lips and handed Jue hir hearing aids and glasses.

"I'm so sorry," he said once Jue had sorted those out, passing hir a pair of daytime pants. "I didn't think you should travel alone, so I- I told Captain Ruol. I'm sorry. I never thought ē-ziu would tell the Elder Emperor. I thought ē-ziu would just go with you to keep you safe. I'm so sorry."

"I thought you trusted me."

"I do," said Fiitsãn. "I just thought, given the current political climate… But I obviously screwed up. I'm sorry. I thought we could trust ē-ziun."

"Only as far as I keep being an emperor properly," Jue said sadly. Ze had known that, but it hurt to have it confirmed.

"Anyway, you shouldn't travel alone. I'm coming with you."

"Really?" Jue would never have dared ask that of him. Fiitsãn's family was here. Fiitsãn's whole life was here, just like Jue's.

"At least until we can get you settled in somewhere safely," said Fiitsãn. "You're my best friend. Come on, we have to hurry, before they notice I stole the key to your room and lied about seeing an intruder."

"Thank you," said Jue.

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Jue woke up being lifted out of hir bed. Ze flailed instinctively.

Sharp words ze could not make out. Arms tighter around hir legs.

The blurry world flipped. Ze was suddenly dizzy.

As ze slowly came to awareness of hir surroundings, ze recognized the back of Ngionah's jacket and hir bedroom floor moving quickly below hir head.

Ze did not like to talk when ze could not hear hirself, but it quickly became a choice between that and vomiting all over hir face and Ngionah's uniform. "PutmedownI'mgoingtothrowup!"

Maybe Ngionah could tell ze was serious, because ē-ziu put hir down very quickly.

Ze tried to steady hirself with one hand against the wall.

Ngionah took the few steps back to hir bedside table, grabbed hir glasses and hearing aids, and returned to hir, still moving very quickly. Ē-ziu tried to push hir hearing aids into hir ears.

Jue had to take them and put them in hirself. Ngionah was doing it wrong and it hurt and they would not work properly. They beeped when ze turned them on.

"Hurry," ē-ziu said as ze put hir glasses on. "We must move quickly."

"What's- What is- going on?" ze said as ē-ziu pulled hir by the hand to the laundry closet and unlocked it.

Ze was surely going to die. It was almost funny. They had gone to all that trouble to save hir for a piece of paper and now ze was going to die anyway.

"We are evacuating from the palace," said Ngionah. "We will meet with your family further along. Come."

Ngionah unlocked another door at the back of the closet. The emergency exit that Jue was not allowed a key to. Ē-ziu pushed hir through ahead of ē-ziun and locked it again behind them.

Stumbling along in hir bare feet through the dusty passage after Ngionah, ze remembered what ē-ziu had explained to hir ages ago in case of an attack on the palace. A fragile, foreign emotion- hope- awoke in hir.

It might not be the rebels Talí was with. It could be Wend-Ki'an soldiers or some other group that would not hesitate to kill hir. But… it could be Talí's rebels.

Ngionah's grip on hir wrist was very tight, and ē-ziu was much stronger than hir. There was no way ze could escape.

They met Raiqiongshē, Alokti, Onarys, Teixal, and Neqio at an intersection with another narrow passage. Jue could tell they were going up towards the surface by the burn in hir calves.

Then more nobles, and Sei, and the betrothal candidates except for Waleiyi, and Jiremau (ze did not look at Jiremau. Hir wife). They would be in one of the pyramids soon, surely, and then they would disappear and Jue would not get another chance.

The rebels were not going to find them in time.

Jue opened hir mouth and screamed.

Raiqiongshē slapped hir. "Be quiet."

Jue choked on hir scream, reeling.

Raiqiongshē had never hit hir before. No one had ever hit hir before.

Everyone was looking at hir in horror.

"Do you want to be found?" Raiqiongshē said sharply. "Stay quiet, Jeilajue, unless you want to find out exactly what these insurgents will do to you."

Jue did not know what an insurgent was, but Raiqiongshē was afraid of the rebels, and Talí had said the rebels would not hurt hir.

Maybe they would anyway. Talí's word did not mean certainty. It did not even mean certainty of what Talí wanted. It definitely did not mean that every rebel would follow it.

Jue did not really care what they were going to do with hir. Marriage was worse than anything else ze could imagine.

Thinking of Fiitsãn and Talí and everything they had talked about, looking at Mkera, ze knew the empire had to fall even if ze was going to fall with it.

Everybody cared that ze had screamed and nobody cared that Raiqiongshē had hit hir. Raiqiongshē could get away with anything, because he was a grownup and abled and the Elder Emperor.

Nobody should be able to get away with anything like Raiqiongshē could with Jue and parents could with children and the empire could with the people both inside and outside of it.

Jue breathed in all the way and screamed again.

Ngionah clapped a hand over hir mouth. "Stop. Stop. You need to stop. I know this is scary but it is not the time for a tantrum."

Jue desperately hoped they had heard hir. Ze hoped ze had been loud enough. It was hard to tell how loud ze was being even when things were normal and ze did not really know how well noise travelled through the palace, but ze had been as loud as ze possibly could. Ze hoped it was enough to follow.

Ze did not like the feeling of Ngionah's hand over hir mouth or the way ē-ziu was holding hir to keep hir still.

"I'll be quiet," ze said, or tried to say, voice muffled by ē-zius hand. "You can let go." But ze did not think Ngionah heard, with Raiqiongshē talking too. Hir throat felt thick with held-back tears.

"Just pick o-hān up and carry o-hān," Raiqiongshē was saying. "We do not have time for o-hān to be difficult. If o-hā is going to act like a child, o-hā deserves to be treated like one."

Ngionah picked hir up, hand still over hir mouth. Ze wanted to kick but ze did not want to hurt ē-ziun.

At least Ngionah held hir tightly enough that ze did not get jostled around very much. At least ē-zius hand over hir mouth meant ē-ziu was pretty much holding hir head still. Even if it hurt.

The rebels had not found them yet. Maybe ze should delay them somehow.

Ze did not want to hurt Ngionah.

Ze did not want them to hurt hir again.

Ze really, really did not want them to escape and take hir with them.

The way Ngionah had to hold hir to keep ē-zius hand over hir mouth meant ze was not as trapped as ze could be. Ze could, probably, put up enough of a fight to make ē-ziun put hir down.

"Sorry," ze mumbled into Ngionah's hand, and kicked ē-ziun with hir freer leg.

Ē-ziu stumbled in surprise.

Jue kept fighting ē-zius hold on hir. It was not really violence, ze reasoned, just making hirself harder to hold onto.

Ze was not as big or strong as Ngionah, but ze was not small, either. Ze should be hard to carry without hir cooperation.

"Stop," Ngionah hissed. "Stop it, Jue, or I'm going to drop you. You're going to hurt yourself. Stop."

Jue shoved harder against ē-zius chest and felt ē-zius grip finally slip.

It did hurt when ze hit the hard ground. It hurt all along hir arm and side. Ze bit hir cheek and tasted blood. Hir eyes teared up.

Being hurt was a delay. A delay was what ze wanted.

"Oww." Ze let the tears fall.

Ze went limp as Ngionah tried to help hir back up.

This was embarrassing. Everyone was seeing hir be vulnerable, be hurt, be a screw-up, and they would never forget about it.

Raiqiongshē stomped back over and grabbed Jue's other arm, hard. He was so angry. Jue was always making him angry. Ze hated making him angry.

"Jeilajue," Raiqiongshē said, almost to quiet for Jue to hear. "You are an embarrassment and you are putting us all in danger. A worthy emperor would not do this. I was clearly wrong to agree that you would not need to be sedated for this."

Jue stayed limp. Ze was not sure ze could stop right now. Ze felt faint and sick.

"If you continue to refuse to cooperate, I will arrange for you and your wife to be placed in the same bedchamber when we get to our destination," Raiqiongshē said. "We both know you do not want that, but you are testing the limits of my tolerance for your unreasonableness."

Ze was not in control of the tears anymore. There was a little sobbing gasp.

Then, in both directions around hir, people started shouting.

Ngionah pulled hir behind ē-ziun so hard it wrenched both hir shoulders.

It was loud, and confusing, and Jue was on the floor with hir back to the wall and hiding hir head in hir knees on instinct. It was too much different noise for hir hearing aids to process for hir and all ze could hear was hir own breathing and hir own blood rushing.

Talí had promised they would not hurt hir.

Ze was going to die for sure. They did not need hir anymore, if they even knew ze had been helping in the first place.

It would all be over soon, one way or another.

"FREEZE OR I'LL BLOW US ALL UP!"

Everything went suddenly silent. Now it really was just Jue's shallow breathing and fast heartbeat.

Ze squeezed hir arms tighter around hirself. Ze did not recognize the voice.

"Drop your weapons."

Ngionah bent down, hand coming into Jue's narrow field of vision between ē-zius boots, and set ē-zius gun on the floor in front of them.

Jue very slowly raised hir head just enough to see what was going on.

Ze did not recognize the person holding the bomb by their face, either. It was a big crowd of people, maybe bigger than ze had expected. Ze could not see Fiitsãn, and Talí lived so far away ze doubted they would be anywhere here.

There were guns. Jue had been shot at a couple times before but it had never hit hir or really gotten close. Ze wondered if that was going to change. If they hit the right places, ze would not even know it had happened until ze was no longer hirself or in this world.

Raiqiongshē looked like he could not decide if he was angry or scared or both. He and Alokti- who was visibly shaking but standing her ground- had put themselves on either side of Onarys, who had both hands on his pregnant belly. Teixal's cheeks were very pink like she was frustrated and she had her hands up in surrender. Jue could not see Neqio, who must be somewhere among the other nobles and guards with them.

"Your Majesty," said Ngionah slowly, "I need you to stay very still."

Jue knew ze was a valuable target. It would be politically inconvenient if ze died right now. That was why they had gone to all that effort to stop hir. People got especially upset when ze was threatened. Talí's rebels would not have kidnapped hir if they had not thought ze would be useful as a hostage.

If they shot hir, it would make a point. People liked using hir to make points.

Ze could use hirself to make a point, too.

Raiqiongshē, everyone, they would never forgive hir for siding against them. They would never love hir again. Fiitsãn and Talí would never forgive hir if ze did not.

It would be easier to just stay still and let whatever happened, happen.

It was the right thing to do, though. It would show them, show the whole empire, that ze thought the rebels were right. Maybe it would even sway some of the nobles, though ze was not convinced they cared about hir actual opinions and would believe ze was acting under hir own power.

Ze slowly stood up.

"Hey!" The rebel with a gun pointed at hir said. "You! Stay down!"

"What are you doing?" said Ngionah out of the corner of ē-zius mouth. "I told you to stay still."

Jue held out hir empty hands desperately. Ze did not even know how to fight, and anyone could see that ze was not very strong.

Ze took a small step towards them, half-hoping they would shoot hir before ze did something so irreversibly damaging to how people saw hir, how hir family saw hir.

"HEY!"

Ngionah reached for hir arm and froze again when one of the rebels fired a warning shot.

"Wait, wait-"

Fiitsãn's voice.

Jue closed hir eyes and took another step. Ze thought it was worth it but ze did not want to see it coming if ze died and ze did not want to look at Raiqiongshē and see the betrayal and disappointment ze was sure to cause.

Fiitsãn's voice was getting closer. "I told you-"

Nobody shot hir, so ze kept going.

"-ze's on our side."

Warm fingers wove through hirs.

It felt like choking, but Fiitsãn held hir hand like they could trust each other, so ze quietly said, "I think they are right."

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There was a plastic mask over hir mouth and nose. That was the first thing ze noticed. It pinched hir skin and made hir face itchy under the edges.

There should not be anything on hir face if ze were dead and in the Divine Realm. Ze did not know what the Divine Realm was like but it was not supposed to be like this.

Jue wanted to scream. Ze could not even die right.

Everyone was going to be so upset with hir. And ze was still going to have to get married.

Ze did not want to open hir eyes or move, because then everyone would know ze was awake, but the mask and the tape on hir wrist and everything was so uncomfortable.

Ze tried to reach up and pull it off and immediately found a hand pushing hir arm back down. Rough. Maybe Ngionah's. Ngionah had rough hands.

Somebody said something but ze could not make it out, of course.

Ze did not want to be awake.

Unhappily, Jue opened hir eyes. Ze at least wanted to know who was touching hir.

No glasses. Everything was fuzzy.

Fiitsãn?

Someone rushed to fit hir hearing aids into hir ears and push hir glasses on. It took hir a frustratingly long moment to come up with their name. It was someone ze knew well. Attendant Seina.

Ē-rei gently pulled the mask off hir face.

"I'm sorry," ze felt hirself say. "Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry-"

"Attendant Seina," said Ngionah. "Go inform the Elder Emperor and the Queen Regent that the Younger Emperor is awake."

"Yes, Captain." Attendant Seina left.

"It's okay," Fiitsãn said. "It's okay, Jue, you have nothing to be sorry for."

He reached out to touch Jue's face, but Ngionah pulled his hand back.

"You do not want to be touching o-hān when they get here," ē-ziu said. "You're on thin ice to begin with."

"That is not fair," Jue protested. Fiitsãn was the only good thing about waking up. He had said something, a long time ago, about Jue defending him. "Fiitsãn is my friend. I want o-rūn to be here."

Ngionah looked at the two of them pityingly. Jue hated being looked at like that. Like ze was too childish to understand what the problem was. Like ze could not both know what the problem was and think it was unfair.

"Queng Nareisuo has generously allowed me to be here because a-hā knew you would feel better if I were here when you woke up," Fiitsãn said stiffly. He spoke differently when he and Jue weren't alone, with a different accent that seemed to Jue more neutral but less like himself. He tucked his hands behind his back. "I won't give a-hān a reason to change a-hās mind. I don't want to leave yet."

Gods, Jue was such an awful friend for putting Fiitsãn through this. And he was still here, even with how they had left things. Ze wished ze could say something about that, but ze did not want to drive him away by reminding him, and with Ngionah here there was not much they could really talk about anyway.

Raiqiongshē and Onarys arrived soon. Raiqiongshē frowned at Fiitsãn's presence but did not say anything.

"Oh, Jeilajue." Onarys sat down on the hospital bed, flooding Jue with shame. "If I had only known you were in distress-"

"You did know!" Fiitsãn snapped. His natural accent came out. "Ze told you! You just didn't listen or care! You could have easily prevented this! You absolutely knew!"

"You are dismissed," Raiqiongshē said coolly. "Your employment is terminated. Leave us."

Jue did not understand what all of that meant, but from the stricken look on Fiitsãn's face, it was not good.

"Get out," Raiqiongshē said. "Captain Ruol?"

"Fiitsãn," said Ngionah warningly.

"I'm going," Fiitsãn said, and left before Ngionah could make him.

"No!" said Jue, and to hir horror ze started to cry in front of Raiqiongshē. "No, no, I want o-rūn here, no…"

"Princess Jiremau of Berysek is now Queen Jiremau of Rāmia," said Raiqiongshē. "Lady Paona stood in for you."

Jue sobbed.

"Perhaps… some stronger medication," said Onarys to Raiqiongshē.

"You do not have to do anything with o-hān right now," said Raiqiongshē. "You are both young, and given your condition, no one expects consummation yet. Heirs can be conceived through artificial means when you are a little older and o-hā is more fit to carry a child. You have separate rooms and it will be years yet before governing together will necessary. You did not even have to be at the ceremony."

Jue cried harder. Ze had not wanted to think that ze would still be here by now. Ze did not want to consider that ze would still be here in three years.

"I have tried to protect you from the realities of it, but the empire is crumbling," said Raiqiongshē. "We need that support from Berysek. This is what had to happen. For now, it is a marriage in name only, and you will be fine."

Teixal and Alokti had arrived while Raiqiongshē was trying to explain things to hir. Jue felt like ze hated them. Ze hated everyone and everything right now.

Ze hid hir face in the sheet.

"No one wants to get married," Teixal said. "You need to grow up and get over it and stop making it the whole empire's problem."

"Now is not the time for your dramatics," said Alokti. "I never thought you were so selfish."

"Alokti!" Jue had never heard Raiqiongshē even slightly raise his voice at her before.

"…I'm sorry," Alokti said. "You scared me, Jue."

"No, you're right," said Teixal. "The empire is in crisis and it needs hir. Hir actions have consequences for other people. Ze needs to know that."

"Now is not the time," Raiqiongshē said. He probably agreed. Jue was selfish and dramatic.

There was a period of silence where Jue knew they were all watching hir cry.

"I'm sorry," ze said into the sheet.

"Jue," said Raiqiongshē. "Look at me."

Heart pounding in hir chest, Jue looked up.

"I cannot lose you," Raiqiongshē said. "You are my child. Losing you would break my heart."

Jue opened hir mouth to apologize again, but what came out was, "Why do you even care? You have a better one on the way!"

"Jue," Onarys sighed. "This baby will not replace you."

"No one could replace you," said Raiqiongshē. "No one could replace Gādua Haishionā and no one could replace you either. It doesn't work like that."

Jue did not say anything. Ze was just going to cry more if ze opened hir mouth.

Everyone except Ngionah eventually left. The empire was, as they had said, in crisis, and they were needed to manage it.

"They found your dream beads," said Ngionah.

"Oh," said Jue numbly. There would be no more talking to Fiitsãn or Talí.

"I can't do anything about the marriage," said Ngionah. "But I can tell your grandmother that it would be a security risk to let anyone else into your room, given your weakened state. Keep the new Queen Consort and the rest of the candidates out for a little while while you recover."

"Okay," said Jue. Ze was all wrung out. "Thank you."

"I will be keeping a very close eye on you," Ngionah said, and Jue wasn't sure whether it was meant as a warning or a comfort.

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The morning brought a headache and two pieces of news. First, there had been a riot in the city over the extravagance and waste of the ball, which Jue could not fault the citizens for- having been there, ze could say with certainty it had been an extravagant waste.

And second, Inoj of Avutaq was dead, and had been involved in a terrorist group fighting for Avutaq's independence. Officially o-pā was dead of natural causes, but… even Jue could put together that it was probably murder on Raiqiongshē or Jema Ragonia or Alokti or someone's orders. Ze did not want to suspect such a thing of hir own family, but ze knew Raiqiongshē would do just about anything to protect Jue- regardless of Jue's own opinions.

"Did you have Inoj killed?" ze asked when ze saw Raiqiongshē. It was blunt and rude but ze had to know.

"Inoj of Avutaq was a terrorist and a danger to you and the empire," said Raiqiongshē. "About your behaviour last night, Jeilajue- it was very irresponsible of you to drink so much. I know-"

"That does not mean o-pā had to die," said Jue, then clapped hir hands over hir mouth, horrified at having interrupted Raiqiongshē.

"I was speaking," snapped Raiqiongshē, and Jue flinched. "Control yourself, Jeilajue."

"I am sorry," Jue said, looking at hir feet. Then, almost inaudible: "But… Inoj."

"Everything I do, I do for you," said Raiqiongshē. "You are safer for it. O-pā could have harmed you or influenced you negatively."

"If everything you do is for me, maybe you could listen to me," Jue said quietly. "And maybe I think Inoj should be alive."

"You do not understand," Raiqiongshē said. "These things are complicated."

Jue was so fucking sick of being told things were too complicated for hir. Fiitsãn was the only person who had ever bothered to even try to explain things so that ze could understand. And that morning, with Inoj dead and hir head pounding and the dreaded betrothal season now official, something snapped. "I think I do understand, actually! Inoj wanted Avutaq to have its own government, and you were scared I would agree or help o-pān so you had o-pān murdered for it! After you invited o-pān here for a marriage I don't even want!"

Hir heart was pounding so fast and hir hands were shaking.

"Jeilajue." Raiqiongshē scowled. "Go to your chambers. You clearly cannot conduct yourself like an adult this morning, and you are behind on your studies."

Of course. Because Jue was just a child, because Jue would never really be an adult to Raiqiongshē's standards even when ze was fifty years old, and what a child thought did not matter when there were adults speaking.

"I want to go to the garden," Jue said.

"His Majesty sent you to your rooms," said Ngionah.

"I will go there. After the garden." Jue desperately needed to cool off, ze needed fresh air, ze needed Fiitsãn.

The only person who outranked hir was Raiqiongshē, technically; Ngionah could not make hir go right to hir rooms. Not that ze would be bold enough to keep fighting ē-ziun if ē-ziu decided to press the matter, but Ngionah was usually nice.

"Okay," said Ngionah, and Jue sighed in relief.

They took the elevator up to the gardens in silence, Jue holding tightly onto the support bar. Ze did not like elevators, or any small spaces, but ze had also fallen down the stairs more than once and one of those times ze had broken hir arm in two places.

The first floor of the palace was above-ground. It was where all the staircases and elevators came out, and had a big entrance hall, which led to the stairs and elevator that took important guests down to the receiving room. Most importantly for Jue, it had big windows and the door to the gardens, and the gardens had Fiitsãn.

Fiitsãn was pruning very aggressively when Jue found him.

"Can I help you?" he said, pasting on an obviously-fake smile.

"Inoj of Avutaq is dead," said Jue.

"Yeah. You people killed o-pān. I'm aware."

"I did not have anything to do with it!" said Jue. How could Fiitsãn think such a thing of hir? "It was not even discussed with me! I would not have done that and I came here because I am upset about what they did!"

"Not you specifically," said Fiitsãn. "Not everything is about you."

"It was wrong and I liked Inoj and I am sad," said Jue, desperately trying to prove to Fiitsãn that ze really did not condone it.

Ze was angry, too, but ze was not supposed to get angry and have tantrums like what had just happened with Raiqiongshē.

"Inoj's death isn't about you," Fiitsãn snapped.

"I did not say it was!"

"Consider that maybe you're not the only person upset by this, Jue." Fiitsãn snapped the clippers shut so loudly that Jue heard it. "I'm sorry. I don't have comfort to give you because I'm very upset by this and probably for different reasons than you are and I can't always be taking care of your feelings first."

"I get it," said Jue, once again feeling tears coming on. Gods, ze wished ze did not cry so easily. "I'm a bad friend and you hate me and why wouldn't you-"

"This is what I'm talking about!" Fiitsãn shouted. "It's not about you! It would be so much easier if I did hate you, but I don't, I can't help but love you and you're my best friend and do you know just how fucking hard that is? When my people have been devastated by the system you are at the top of and sure you say things will change when you're older but it's pretty hard to believe that when you care more about not upsetting Raiqiongshē than anything else and even if you develop the guts to speak up one day it will still be this system! I'm sick of pretending it's easy and there's no conflict, because that's not true, and now I'm screaming this at you because I was too scared to say it for so long that I can't do anything else because that's another thing, Jue, I don't think you do or even can understand what it's like to be a low servant having a relationship with not just a noble or a royal but with you, an emperor, and what that means for how carefully I have to step just in case, always just in case!"

"I'm sorry," said Jue, taken aback. Fiitsãn never yelled at hir. "I never mean to make you feel that way."

Of course ze was hard to love, even for Fiitsãn. Ze was hard for anyone to love.

"Of course you never mean to," said Fiitsãn. "You just never try not to."

"Oh."

"Inoj of Avutaq died for being Taqa and believing in the freedom of our people," said Fiitsãn. "O-pā died because someone high up decided that was dangerous. One day the people around you might decide I'm dangerous too. It's not only disapproval that I risk with this friendship."

"But you are not a terrorist," said Jue. "No one would think you are dangerous."

"Neither was Inoj!" Fiitsãn snapped. "The TLF are not terrorists. The only goal is to protect Avutaq from the harms done by your empire, not to spread fear or pain."

"But you are not one of them," Jue said, half to prove it to hirself.

"What if someone said I was, though?" said Fiitsãn. "They didn't give Inoj a trial and o-pā was going to be royalty. They for sure wouldn't give me one."

"I would not believe them," said Jue. "I would say it was not true. I would protect you."

Like you protected Inoj? a voice in the back of hir head taunted. You never even saw it coming.

"But what if it was true?" Fiitsãn pressed.

"Is it?" said Jue, unconsciously taking a step back.

"Does it matter? You couldn't stand up to your uncle either way."

"Yes!" said Jue. "Yes, it matters! Is our friendship just so you can spy on me for them? Is that what makes you willing to risk it?"

"Again!" Fiitsãn threw his hands in the air, clippers falling to the mossy ground. "Again, if I were it wouldn't be about you, and if I weren't it also wouldn't be about you!"

"I have to go," said Jue. Fiitsãn was definitely a spy. "They will notice soon that I am not where he told me to be."

"Yeah." Fiitsãn picked the clippers back up. "Go try to keep the important people happy."

Fiitsãn was using hir, Raiqiongshē would never treat hir opinion as worth listening to, Inoj of Avutaq had definitely been murdered, and the empire could not be fixed. Everything about it was rotten and Jue alone would never be able to fix that.

Ze slipped Talí's dream beads under hir pillow that night.

"The rebellion. How can I help?"

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Tonight marked the official start to Jue and Sei's betrothal season.

It was the feast day of the god of marriage and fertility- there was a god of betrothals too, but their feast day was apparently too far away- and the biggest ball they'd had since Teixal's arrival five years ago.

"We are honoured to have not one but two Vessels with us today," Raiqiongshē proclaimed. "Gētnyx Qeij, Vessel of Strength and head of the Temple of Corysecli, and Joasē Luen, Vessel of Marriage and head of the Temple of Tawe, have both graced us with their presence to mark this wonderful occasion." 

Jue did hir best not to let on how very much ze did not want to be here. Smile and stand up straight and hope no one looks too close.

Sei looked happy, at least, but Sei was happy at any occasion to dress up and party. Fashion was pretty much her favourite thing in the world, apart from animals, and she generally did not notice much else.

"Good evening," ze said when Raiqiongshē brought the Vessel of Corysecli over. 

The Vessel's eyes landed on Jue's hearing aids and she began to sign, too fast for Jue to keep up with.

Jue was not going to insult her with hir clumsy hands and awkward grammar and lacking vocabulary. Ze wished ze were bold enough to sign as confidently and freely as her, but instead ze said, "My apologies, but my skills in Standard Rāmian Sign are lacking."

One of the Vessel's Divine Soldiers was serving as an interpreter, and the Vessel was kind enough not to comment on Jue's missing skills. 

Ze was dancing with Inoj first. Inoj was alright, probably, but Jue was already very embarrassed and anxious.

On hir way across the dance floor, ze snatched a flute of sparkling wine from one of the trays the waitstaff were carrying. Jue was not really a fan of sparkling wine, but it gave hir something to do with hir hands and mouth, and it would hopefully make hir a little less awkward and scared.

It tasted like soap with bubbles.

Inoj was dressed in a unique style. It must be Taqa- Jue had never seen it at court before.

They danced. It was okay. Inoj was a decent dancer, and even though it was not quite proper with their respective statuses, Jue let o-pān lead.

"You dance well," ze said, trying to fill the silence.

"Thank you." Inoj smiled. "So do you."

That was not true, but Jue returned the smile nonetheless. "Your outfit is very interesting."

Inoj faltered. "Yeah. Yes. It is a traditional Taqa style."

"Interesting in a good way," Jue said, chest pinching as ze realized ze might have accidentally insulted o-pān. "I like it. It is very nice."

Inoj smiled tightly.

Another flute of wine, then ze danced with Suinak, who was dressed in a very fashionable and very Rāmiq style. 

Suinak was also a good dancer, but seemed insistent for Jue to lead. 

It was proper, but Jue was not as graceful as ze would like to be, and ze was afraid it made Suinak look bad too.

Fiitsãn had been seconded as waitstaff for the evening, and at Jue's third glass of wine, he murmured, "You're drinking a lot, Jue."

Jue ignored him. Fiitsãn just did not understand.

"The ones you need to be careful of are Inoj, Ynesalinau, and Waleiyi," Paona said as they danced.

Jue was pretty sure ze also needed to be careful of Paona. "Why?" 

"Ynesalinau strikes me as the type who can and will do whatever it takes to get what o-mē wants, and will be very good at navigating all this," Paona said. "Waleiyi is strong-willed and possibly hot-headed, and can be physically dangerous. Inoj just gives me a bad feeling."

"I like Inoj," Jue said, a little tipsy and a little too honest.

"Just keep an eye out."

Ze was starting to get a little tired of the taste of soap, so ze did not have another drink before dancing with Waleiyi. Out of the corner of hir eye, ze saw Sei and Ynesalinau dancing, though ze could have sworn they had danced at least once already.

One of the Temple of Corysecli's uniformed Initiates loomed behind Waleiyi as Jue approached. Ze gulped. Ze did not want to be between two highly-skilled warriors, and neither seemed too happy about the other's proximity.

Waleiyi turned to the Initiate after spotting Jue. “You are dismissed, Lieutenant Initiate.”

“You do not have the authority to dismiss me, Lady General,” said the Lieutenant Initiate, clearly already annoyed with Waleiyi.

“I am going to dance with my betrothed, and I do not need you following after me like a lost baby animal.”

Jue did not like how ai-lo called hir ai-los betrothed as if it was already settled.

“I have been assigned to guard you for the duration of this event.”

“I do not need you to guard me. I am a general of our empire’s army and I do not need a babysitter.”

“Then, as a general of our empire’s army, you follow Corysecli.” The Lieutenant Initiate smiled sharply. “I have been given a mandate directly from Her Vessel. You wouldn’t want to go against Corysecli’s wishes, I’m sure, nor would you want to endanger yourself. You are, after all, your family’s only child.”

Jue thought Waleiyi might throw a punch in response to that. Ze vaguely knew that there had been other children, but ze did not know what had happened to them.

“If you must insist on continuing to surveil me, you will go stand over there. I would not want to trip on anything whilst dancing with the Younger Emperor, Lieutenant Initiate.”

Jue was very grateful that the Lieutenant Initiate backed off after that, though ai-nai kept a sharp stare fixed on them as they danced.

Despite hir distaste for the soapy flavour, ze definitely needed more wine after that.

Shio trembled the whole time they danced, then ze danced with Jiremau and was extra self-conscious of hir clumsiness because ze knew she had less vision and ze really did need to lead so they didn't bump into anyone, then with Ynesalinau who kept glancing at Sei, and finally ze could just go stand by hirself and not touch anyone.

Ze leaned subtly against the wall, slowly sipping what was probably hir fifth drink without much enjoyment.

"Hey." Inoj leaned next to hir.

"Hi."

"This is at least three times bigger than the biggest party I've ever been to," said Inoj.

"It's the biggest we've had in, um… five years," said Jue.

"Are you having fun?"

"No." Gods, why had ze said that? Ze wasn't supposed to let that show. "I hope you are, though." 

Inoj shrugged fluidly. "It's a lot."

Jue nodded silently. It really was. Sei thrived in this sensory batterment because of her lower sensory receptiveness, but Jue really didn't. 

"Well." Inoj pushed off the wall. "I suppose I'll go keep mingling and charming people into supporting me." O-pā winked at Jue. "I guess you probably have to do that a lot."

Jue nodded again and sipped hir wine. 

"Alright. Good chat." Inoj made o-pās way back onto the dance floor. 

Jue leaned on the wall a while longer, everything beginning to be pleasantly fuzzy and distant and less scary. 

"Hello," Jiremau said, startling Jue. The wine had relaxed hir enough that ze had forgotten to be vigilant. 

"Hello," Jue said. 

"You have a beautiful voice," Jiremau said, which had to somehow be an insult about hir speech impediment. "Do you sing?" 

"No," said Jue. "I play violin, though."

"I have a sister who plays violin," said Jiremau, getting increasingly close to Jue. "One of the loveliest sounds in the world."

"Yeah." Jue scootched away from Jiremau's approach as subtly as ze could. 

"Your palace is very grand," said Jiremau. "I would so love to live here."

"I wish it had windows," said Jue. Ze had never lived somewhere with windows- Rāmiq buildings were almost always carved into the stone ground, and ze had always lived in the palace anyway- but it seemed like it would be nice. Maybe it would feel less confining to have windows ze could open. 

"The Great Palace of Berysek has many windows," Jiremau said. "Perhaps you will come visit someday on a diplomatic mission… or as a prince consort."

"Maybe."

Jiremau leaned towards Jue and pressed o-mēs lips to hirs before ze knew what was happening.

"No!" Ze shoved o-mē away instinctively, dropping hir glass. 

Jiremau stumbled back. "Oh."

"Sorry," Jue said, backing away. "Sorry. Sorry. Sorry." Ze turned and fled from the ballroom. 

Ze hadn't seen that coming. Ze had made a scene. Jiremau had kissed hir and ze felt gross and guilty and panicked. 

"Are you okay?" asked Ngionah. 

"I'm fine," Jue said, in what was possibly the least-believable lie ze had ever told. 

A hand settled on hir shoulder. "Jue."

Raiqiongshē had followed hir. Raiqiongshē had followed hir. He must be so disappointed. 

Jue burst into tears. 

"Hey." Raiqiongshē gently turned Jue to face him. "How about you tell me what happened." 

"Princess Jiremau tried to kiss me and I can't- I can't- I can't-" Jue didn't know how to explain hir horrible, visceral reaction in a way Raiqiongshē would understand. "I'm sorry!" 

"It is okay," Raiqiongshē said. "I take it o-mē neglected to ask first."

Jue nodded, full-on sobbing now. 

"It was not appropriate of o-mēn to make such an advance," Raiqiongshē said. "I know the ball has probably been very stressful for you. You have only ever been to one other of this size."

Jue started to nod again, but then ze felt hir stomach contents starting to rise up, and ze didn't react fast enough and ze threw up on Raiqiongshē's shoes. 

Raiqiongshē looked appalled. 

"I'm s-s-sorry!" Jue cried. 

"You need to go to bed," said Raiqiongshē. "You are clearly in no state to remain here."

Jue shook, still frozen in place. "Are- are you mad at me?"

"That is not a discussion for tonight," said Raiqiongshē, which definitely meant the answer was yes but he was nice enough not to say it when Jue had just thrown up. "Come along. I will take you to your rooms and summon Attendant Seina. Captain Ruol will find a cleaner."

"But- the ball," Jue said. Ze and Raiqiongshē both disappearing was definitely even more of a scene. 

"Teixal and Onarys and Alokti will cover for me for a time," said Raiqiongshē. "If anyone asks about you, I will just tell them you are unwell, as you clearly are. I now need to change my shoes anyway."

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