#alokti

Chapter One: Jue: Getting Out

Younger Emperor Jeilajue Haishionā Henor Serip Rian of Rāmia, named for hir royal grandfather and all three parents, could not do hir duty to the empire.

Raiqiongshē, the Elder Emperor and Jue's uncle and guardian, had announced the support of the goddess of conquest, and now they were at war, and war meant alliances needed to be solidified- which meant Jue could no longer put off betrothal. Jue could not do betrothal and certainly could not do marriage and children. Ze could not do it even for hir family and for the good of the empire and to have consorts more skilled at politics than ze ever could be. It made hir a bad Rian and a bad emperor and a bad Rāmian, but ze just… could not.

Ze had to get out of it one way or another. The best option, which was not a very good option, was to escape the palace and go on the run. Ze would have to avoid hir guards, and ze would have to learn to survive by hirself, and every step of it was going to be difficult and dangerous, but it was still hir best option.

Maybe Fiitsãn could help. He might be able to help hir escape somehow, and maybe could tell hir what ze would need to survive on hir own in the world as a disabled teenager. Anyway, Fiitsãn deserved at least a goodbye.

Ze looked at the clock. Fiitsãn would be back from school by now.

"I wish to go for a walk in the gardens," Jue announced.

Ngionah Ruol, the captain of hir guard, offered ē-zius arm to Jue.

Ze briefly thought about turning it down, but ze was in no way feeling well enough to focus on grace right now. "Thanks," ze said, and held on.

"You've been very quiet and stiff for a while," said Ngionah. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. Just tired," lied Jue, as usual.

"Okay."

They went to the gardens without talking any more.

Jue liked the gardens. Fiitsãn did not do much of it yet, but ze did not always know which parts he had worked on, so ze liked to look at hir favourite pieces and be proud of him for whatever he had helped with. It was also nice to get some open space and fresh air.

"Are you looking for your friend?" Ngionah asked quietly.

Jue nodded. Ngionah was one of the few people who knew. Raiqiongshē would never approve of a friendship between his nephew and a lowly apprentice gardener.

Fiitsãn was Jue's best friend. Fiitsãn was Jue's only friend, really, because Ngionah was just doing a job.

"I heard the news," Fiitsãn said when they found him trimming some trees. "How are you holding up?"

Ngionah stood back a respectful distance to give them some privacy.

"I can't do it." Ze was not really in a state to watch hir words for contractions, and Fiitsãn was safe, anyway.

Fiitsãn sighed- which Jue's hearing aids did not pick up, but which was obvious from his whole body- and put the clippers down. "I know."

"I need to run away."

Fiitsãn frowned. "Are you sure that's the right choice?"

"I need to get out somehow," said Jue. Ze had so far managed not to cry, but that was not going to hold much longer. "Fiitsãn… I'm scared. I'm scared I might kill myself if I can't get out some other way. I can't get married."

"Oh…" said Fiitsãn. He looked around and then reached out. "Jue… Come here."

Jue looked around too, but there was only Ngionah in sight. Ze buried hir face in Fiitsãn's halo of pink curls.

"Can you help me?" ze mumbled.

"I can't hear you," said Fiitsãn. "Wrong side. Sorry."

Jue stepped back. "No. I am sorry. I forgot. Can… Can you help me? Please?"

"Yeah," said Fiitsãn. "Of course. What do you need me to do- distract people? Maybe you could go stay with my grandparents in the city, they'd keep it quiet and look after you for a bit-"

Jue was already shaking hir head.

"Okay. Nowhere they can trace you to, right?"

Jue nodded.

"Do you… have a plan?"

"Yes," said Jue, which was barely true.

Fiitsãn raised an eyebrow.

"I will leave the palace and I will get on an airship and I will bring some money and clothes."

"Alone?" Fiitsãn said. "You could ask Captain Ruol to come with you-"

"No. Alone." Ngionah would stop hir.

"Okay," said Fiitsãn. "When do you plan to leave?"

"As soon as I can."

Except, when Jue tried to leave hir room that night, ze was locked in.

After a lot of yanking and kicking and swearing, ze threw hirself face down on hir bed and pulled hir teddy bear, Shai, out of the bag ze had been planning to take.

Ze screamed into the pillow.

Someone had found out. Had Fiitsãn told? Had Ngionah heard them talking? Was ze just that predictable?

Ze rolled over. The pillow on hir face made hir feel even more trapped.

It was lucky, too, because it meant ze could see the door opening, which ze never would have heard. Ze rapidly shoved Shai under hir covers- Shai, like Fiitsãn, was a secret. Everyone already thought Jue was childish enough because of hir trisomy 21.

It was Alokti. Out of Raiqiongshē's three consorts, they had been married the longest, but of course it was not Raiqiongshē. Of course Raiqiongshē was too busy for Jue.

She opened her mouth to speak, but in a fit of frustration, Jue turned off hir hearing aids.

"Excuse me." Neither Alokti nor Jue were very good at signing, but Jue got the message. "Turn those back on and listen to me."

Jue considered the pros and cons of continuing to ignore her, sighed heavily, and switched them back on. Ze did not want to talk to Alokti, but ze also really did not like being a problem.

"Why were you going to run away, Jeilajue?"

"I do not want to get married," Jue said. "You all know that."

"It is not as scary as it seems," Alokti said. "I was nervous when I married your uncle, and it has turned out very well. We will not put you in any danger, Jue. Each candidate has been and will continue to be thoroughly vetted."

"I want to go to bed," said Jue. "Leave me alone. Please. I am very tired."

"Should I send Attendant Seina back in to help you back into your pyjamas?"

"No," said Jue. "Do not bother ū-rein. I can do it myself." The buttons were very hard to manipulate, but ze had changed out of them, and ze could change back in. Attendant Seina did not deserve to have to get up to deal with this.

"Okay. Goodnight." She paused. "We love you, Jue. I hope you can remember that."

"I love you too," said Jue, which made everything worse, because it was true.

Ze had given up with the buttons and pulled hir embroidered tunic back on, so when ze was shaken awake, ze was mostly dressed.

Fiitsãn put a finger to his lips and handed Jue hir hearing aids and glasses.

"I'm so sorry," he said once Jue had sorted those out, passing hir a pair of daytime pants. "I didn't think you should travel alone, so I- I told Captain Ruol. I'm sorry. I never thought ē-ziu would tell the Elder Emperor. I thought ē-ziu would just go with you to keep you safe. I'm so sorry."

"I thought you trusted me."

"I do," said Fiitsãn. "I just thought, given the current political climate… But I obviously screwed up. I'm sorry. I thought we could trust ē-ziun."

"Only as far as I keep being an emperor properly," Jue said sadly. Ze had known that, but it hurt to have it confirmed.

"Anyway, you shouldn't travel alone. I'm coming with you."

"Really?" Jue would never have dared ask that of him. Fiitsãn's family was here. Fiitsãn's whole life was here, just like Jue's.

"At least until we can get you settled in somewhere safely," said Fiitsãn. "You're my best friend. Come on, we have to hurry, before they notice I stole the key to your room and lied about seeing an intruder."

"Thank you," said Jue.

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Jue woke up being lifted out of hir bed. Ze flailed instinctively.

Sharp words ze could not make out. Arms tighter around hir legs.

The blurry world flipped. Ze was suddenly dizzy.

As ze slowly came to awareness of hir surroundings, ze recognized the back of Ngionah's jacket and hir bedroom floor moving quickly below hir head.

Ze did not like to talk when ze could not hear hirself, but it quickly became a choice between that and vomiting all over hir face and Ngionah's uniform. "PutmedownI'mgoingtothrowup!"

Maybe Ngionah could tell ze was serious, because ē-ziu put hir down very quickly.

Ze tried to steady hirself with one hand against the wall.

Ngionah took the few steps back to hir bedside table, grabbed hir glasses and hearing aids, and returned to hir, still moving very quickly. Ē-ziu tried to push hir hearing aids into hir ears.

Jue had to take them and put them in hirself. Ngionah was doing it wrong and it hurt and they would not work properly. They beeped when ze turned them on.

"Hurry," ē-ziu said as ze put hir glasses on. "We must move quickly."

"What's- What is- going on?" ze said as ē-ziu pulled hir by the hand to the laundry closet and unlocked it.

Ze was surely going to die. It was almost funny. They had gone to all that trouble to save hir for a piece of paper and now ze was going to die anyway.

"We are evacuating from the palace," said Ngionah. "We will meet with your family further along. Come."

Ngionah unlocked another door at the back of the closet. The emergency exit that Jue was not allowed a key to. Ē-ziu pushed hir through ahead of ē-ziun and locked it again behind them.

Stumbling along in hir bare feet through the dusty passage after Ngionah, ze remembered what ē-ziu had explained to hir ages ago in case of an attack on the palace. A fragile, foreign emotion- hope- awoke in hir.

It might not be the rebels Talí was with. It could be Wend-Ki'an soldiers or some other group that would not hesitate to kill hir. But… it could be Talí's rebels.

Ngionah's grip on hir wrist was very tight, and ē-ziu was much stronger than hir. There was no way ze could escape.

They met Raiqiongshē, Alokti, Onarys, Teixal, and Neqio at an intersection with another narrow passage. Jue could tell they were going up towards the surface by the burn in hir calves.

Then more nobles, and Sei, and the betrothal candidates except for Waleiyi, and Jiremau (ze did not look at Jiremau. Hir wife). They would be in one of the pyramids soon, surely, and then they would disappear and Jue would not get another chance.

The rebels were not going to find them in time.

Jue opened hir mouth and screamed.

Raiqiongshē slapped hir. "Be quiet."

Jue choked on hir scream, reeling.

Raiqiongshē had never hit hir before. No one had ever hit hir before.

Everyone was looking at hir in horror.

"Do you want to be found?" Raiqiongshē said sharply. "Stay quiet, Jeilajue, unless you want to find out exactly what these insurgents will do to you."

Jue did not know what an insurgent was, but Raiqiongshē was afraid of the rebels, and Talí had said the rebels would not hurt hir.

Maybe they would anyway. Talí's word did not mean certainty. It did not even mean certainty of what Talí wanted. It definitely did not mean that every rebel would follow it.

Jue did not really care what they were going to do with hir. Marriage was worse than anything else ze could imagine.

Thinking of Fiitsãn and Talí and everything they had talked about, looking at Mkera, ze knew the empire had to fall even if ze was going to fall with it.

Everybody cared that ze had screamed and nobody cared that Raiqiongshē had hit hir. Raiqiongshē could get away with anything, because he was a grownup and abled and the Elder Emperor.

Nobody should be able to get away with anything like Raiqiongshē could with Jue and parents could with children and the empire could with the people both inside and outside of it.

Jue breathed in all the way and screamed again.

Ngionah clapped a hand over hir mouth. "Stop. Stop. You need to stop. I know this is scary but it is not the time for a tantrum."

Jue desperately hoped they had heard hir. Ze hoped ze had been loud enough. It was hard to tell how loud ze was being even when things were normal and ze did not really know how well noise travelled through the palace, but ze had been as loud as ze possibly could. Ze hoped it was enough to follow.

Ze did not like the feeling of Ngionah's hand over hir mouth or the way ē-ziu was holding hir to keep hir still.

"I'll be quiet," ze said, or tried to say, voice muffled by ē-zius hand. "You can let go." But ze did not think Ngionah heard, with Raiqiongshē talking too. Hir throat felt thick with held-back tears.

"Just pick o-hān up and carry o-hān," Raiqiongshē was saying. "We do not have time for o-hān to be difficult. If o-hā is going to act like a child, o-hā deserves to be treated like one."

Ngionah picked hir up, hand still over hir mouth. Ze wanted to kick but ze did not want to hurt ē-ziun.

At least Ngionah held hir tightly enough that ze did not get jostled around very much. At least ē-zius hand over hir mouth meant ē-ziu was pretty much holding hir head still. Even if it hurt.

The rebels had not found them yet. Maybe ze should delay them somehow.

Ze did not want to hurt Ngionah.

Ze did not want them to hurt hir again.

Ze really, really did not want them to escape and take hir with them.

The way Ngionah had to hold hir to keep ē-zius hand over hir mouth meant ze was not as trapped as ze could be. Ze could, probably, put up enough of a fight to make ē-ziun put hir down.

"Sorry," ze mumbled into Ngionah's hand, and kicked ē-ziun with hir freer leg.

Ē-ziu stumbled in surprise.

Jue kept fighting ē-zius hold on hir. It was not really violence, ze reasoned, just making hirself harder to hold onto.

Ze was not as big or strong as Ngionah, but ze was not small, either. Ze should be hard to carry without hir cooperation.

"Stop," Ngionah hissed. "Stop it, Jue, or I'm going to drop you. You're going to hurt yourself. Stop."

Jue shoved harder against ē-zius chest and felt ē-zius grip finally slip.

It did hurt when ze hit the hard ground. It hurt all along hir arm and side. Ze bit hir cheek and tasted blood. Hir eyes teared up.

Being hurt was a delay. A delay was what ze wanted.

"Oww." Ze let the tears fall.

Ze went limp as Ngionah tried to help hir back up.

This was embarrassing. Everyone was seeing hir be vulnerable, be hurt, be a screw-up, and they would never forget about it.

Raiqiongshē stomped back over and grabbed Jue's other arm, hard. He was so angry. Jue was always making him angry. Ze hated making him angry.

"Jeilajue," Raiqiongshē said, almost to quiet for Jue to hear. "You are an embarrassment and you are putting us all in danger. A worthy emperor would not do this. I was clearly wrong to agree that you would not need to be sedated for this."

Jue stayed limp. Ze was not sure ze could stop right now. Ze felt faint and sick.

"If you continue to refuse to cooperate, I will arrange for you and your wife to be placed in the same bedchamber when we get to our destination," Raiqiongshē said. "We both know you do not want that, but you are testing the limits of my tolerance for your unreasonableness."

Ze was not in control of the tears anymore. There was a little sobbing gasp.

Then, in both directions around hir, people started shouting.

Ngionah pulled hir behind ē-ziun so hard it wrenched both hir shoulders.

It was loud, and confusing, and Jue was on the floor with hir back to the wall and hiding hir head in hir knees on instinct. It was too much different noise for hir hearing aids to process for hir and all ze could hear was hir own breathing and hir own blood rushing.

Talí had promised they would not hurt hir.

Ze was going to die for sure. They did not need hir anymore, if they even knew ze had been helping in the first place.

It would all be over soon, one way or another.

"FREEZE OR I'LL BLOW US ALL UP!"

Everything went suddenly silent. Now it really was just Jue's shallow breathing and fast heartbeat.

Ze squeezed hir arms tighter around hirself. Ze did not recognize the voice.

"Drop your weapons."

Ngionah bent down, hand coming into Jue's narrow field of vision between ē-zius boots, and set ē-zius gun on the floor in front of them.

Jue very slowly raised hir head just enough to see what was going on.

Ze did not recognize the person holding the bomb by their face, either. It was a big crowd of people, maybe bigger than ze had expected. Ze could not see Fiitsãn, and Talí lived so far away ze doubted they would be anywhere here.

There were guns. Jue had been shot at a couple times before but it had never hit hir or really gotten close. Ze wondered if that was going to change. If they hit the right places, ze would not even know it had happened until ze was no longer hirself or in this world.

Raiqiongshē looked like he could not decide if he was angry or scared or both. He and Alokti- who was visibly shaking but standing her ground- had put themselves on either side of Onarys, who had both hands on his pregnant belly. Teixal's cheeks were very pink like she was frustrated and she had her hands up in surrender. Jue could not see Neqio, who must be somewhere among the other nobles and guards with them.

"Your Majesty," said Ngionah slowly, "I need you to stay very still."

Jue knew ze was a valuable target. It would be politically inconvenient if ze died right now. That was why they had gone to all that effort to stop hir. People got especially upset when ze was threatened. Talí's rebels would not have kidnapped hir if they had not thought ze would be useful as a hostage.

If they shot hir, it would make a point. People liked using hir to make points.

Ze could use hirself to make a point, too.

Raiqiongshē, everyone, they would never forgive hir for siding against them. They would never love hir again. Fiitsãn and Talí would never forgive hir if ze did not.

It would be easier to just stay still and let whatever happened, happen.

It was the right thing to do, though. It would show them, show the whole empire, that ze thought the rebels were right. Maybe it would even sway some of the nobles, though ze was not convinced they cared about hir actual opinions and would believe ze was acting under hir own power.

Ze slowly stood up.

"Hey!" The rebel with a gun pointed at hir said. "You! Stay down!"

"What are you doing?" said Ngionah out of the corner of ē-zius mouth. "I told you to stay still."

Jue held out hir empty hands desperately. Ze did not even know how to fight, and anyone could see that ze was not very strong.

Ze took a small step towards them, half-hoping they would shoot hir before ze did something so irreversibly damaging to how people saw hir, how hir family saw hir.

"HEY!"

Ngionah reached for hir arm and froze again when one of the rebels fired a warning shot.

"Wait, wait-"

Fiitsãn's voice.

Jue closed hir eyes and took another step. Ze thought it was worth it but ze did not want to see it coming if ze died and ze did not want to look at Raiqiongshē and see the betrayal and disappointment ze was sure to cause.

Fiitsãn's voice was getting closer. "I told you-"

Nobody shot hir, so ze kept going.

"-ze's on our side."

Warm fingers wove through hirs.

It felt like choking, but Fiitsãn held hir hand like they could trust each other, so ze quietly said, "I think they are right."

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There was a plastic mask over hir mouth and nose. That was the first thing ze noticed. It pinched hir skin and made hir face itchy under the edges.

There should not be anything on hir face if ze were dead and in the Divine Realm. Ze did not know what the Divine Realm was like but it was not supposed to be like this.

Jue wanted to scream. Ze could not even die right.

Everyone was going to be so upset with hir. And ze was still going to have to get married.

Ze did not want to open hir eyes or move, because then everyone would know ze was awake, but the mask and the tape on hir wrist and everything was so uncomfortable.

Ze tried to reach up and pull it off and immediately found a hand pushing hir arm back down. Rough. Maybe Ngionah's. Ngionah had rough hands.

Somebody said something but ze could not make it out, of course.

Ze did not want to be awake.

Unhappily, Jue opened hir eyes. Ze at least wanted to know who was touching hir.

No glasses. Everything was fuzzy.

Fiitsãn?

Someone rushed to fit hir hearing aids into hir ears and push hir glasses on. It took hir a frustratingly long moment to come up with their name. It was someone ze knew well. Attendant Seina.

Ē-rei gently pulled the mask off hir face.

"I'm sorry," ze felt hirself say. "Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry-"

"Attendant Seina," said Ngionah. "Go inform the Elder Emperor and the Queen Regent that the Younger Emperor is awake."

"Yes, Captain." Attendant Seina left.

"It's okay," Fiitsãn said. "It's okay, Jue, you have nothing to be sorry for."

He reached out to touch Jue's face, but Ngionah pulled his hand back.

"You do not want to be touching o-hān when they get here," ē-ziu said. "You're on thin ice to begin with."

"That is not fair," Jue protested. Fiitsãn was the only good thing about waking up. He had said something, a long time ago, about Jue defending him. "Fiitsãn is my friend. I want o-rūn to be here."

Ngionah looked at the two of them pityingly. Jue hated being looked at like that. Like ze was too childish to understand what the problem was. Like ze could not both know what the problem was and think it was unfair.

"Queng Nareisuo has generously allowed me to be here because a-hā knew you would feel better if I were here when you woke up," Fiitsãn said stiffly. He spoke differently when he and Jue weren't alone, with a different accent that seemed to Jue more neutral but less like himself. He tucked his hands behind his back. "I won't give a-hān a reason to change a-hās mind. I don't want to leave yet."

Gods, Jue was such an awful friend for putting Fiitsãn through this. And he was still here, even with how they had left things. Ze wished ze could say something about that, but ze did not want to drive him away by reminding him, and with Ngionah here there was not much they could really talk about anyway.

Raiqiongshē and Onarys arrived soon. Raiqiongshē frowned at Fiitsãn's presence but did not say anything.

"Oh, Jeilajue." Onarys sat down on the hospital bed, flooding Jue with shame. "If I had only known you were in distress-"

"You did know!" Fiitsãn snapped. His natural accent came out. "Ze told you! You just didn't listen or care! You could have easily prevented this! You absolutely knew!"

"You are dismissed," Raiqiongshē said coolly. "Your employment is terminated. Leave us."

Jue did not understand what all of that meant, but from the stricken look on Fiitsãn's face, it was not good.

"Get out," Raiqiongshē said. "Captain Ruol?"

"Fiitsãn," said Ngionah warningly.

"I'm going," Fiitsãn said, and left before Ngionah could make him.

"No!" said Jue, and to hir horror ze started to cry in front of Raiqiongshē. "No, no, I want o-rūn here, no…"

"Princess Jiremau of Berysek is now Queen Jiremau of Rāmia," said Raiqiongshē. "Lady Paona stood in for you."

Jue sobbed.

"Perhaps… some stronger medication," said Onarys to Raiqiongshē.

"You do not have to do anything with o-hān right now," said Raiqiongshē. "You are both young, and given your condition, no one expects consummation yet. Heirs can be conceived through artificial means when you are a little older and o-hā is more fit to carry a child. You have separate rooms and it will be years yet before governing together will necessary. You did not even have to be at the ceremony."

Jue cried harder. Ze had not wanted to think that ze would still be here by now. Ze did not want to consider that ze would still be here in three years.

"I have tried to protect you from the realities of it, but the empire is crumbling," said Raiqiongshē. "We need that support from Berysek. This is what had to happen. For now, it is a marriage in name only, and you will be fine."

Teixal and Alokti had arrived while Raiqiongshē was trying to explain things to hir. Jue felt like ze hated them. Ze hated everyone and everything right now.

Ze hid hir face in the sheet.

"No one wants to get married," Teixal said. "You need to grow up and get over it and stop making it the whole empire's problem."

"Now is not the time for your dramatics," said Alokti. "I never thought you were so selfish."

"Alokti!" Jue had never heard Raiqiongshē even slightly raise his voice at her before.

"…I'm sorry," Alokti said. "You scared me, Jue."

"No, you're right," said Teixal. "The empire is in crisis and it needs hir. Hir actions have consequences for other people. Ze needs to know that."

"Now is not the time," Raiqiongshē said. He probably agreed. Jue was selfish and dramatic.

There was a period of silence where Jue knew they were all watching hir cry.

"I'm sorry," ze said into the sheet.

"Jue," said Raiqiongshē. "Look at me."

Heart pounding in hir chest, Jue looked up.

"I cannot lose you," Raiqiongshē said. "You are my child. Losing you would break my heart."

Jue opened hir mouth to apologize again, but what came out was, "Why do you even care? You have a better one on the way!"

"Jue," Onarys sighed. "This baby will not replace you."

"No one could replace you," said Raiqiongshē. "No one could replace Gādua Haishionā and no one could replace you either. It doesn't work like that."

Jue did not say anything. Ze was just going to cry more if ze opened hir mouth.

Everyone except Ngionah eventually left. The empire was, as they had said, in crisis, and they were needed to manage it.

"They found your dream beads," said Ngionah.

"Oh," said Jue numbly. There would be no more talking to Fiitsãn or Talí.

"I can't do anything about the marriage," said Ngionah. "But I can tell your grandmother that it would be a security risk to let anyone else into your room, given your weakened state. Keep the new Queen Consort and the rest of the candidates out for a little while while you recover."

"Okay," said Jue. Ze was all wrung out. "Thank you."

"I will be keeping a very close eye on you," Ngionah said, and Jue wasn't sure whether it was meant as a warning or a comfort.

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