#teixal

Jue woke up being lifted out of hir bed. Ze flailed instinctively.

Sharp words ze could not make out. Arms tighter around hir legs.

The blurry world flipped. Ze was suddenly dizzy.

As ze slowly came to awareness of hir surroundings, ze recognized the back of Ngionah's jacket and hir bedroom floor moving quickly below hir head.

Ze did not like to talk when ze could not hear hirself, but it quickly became a choice between that and vomiting all over hir face and Ngionah's uniform. "PutmedownI'mgoingtothrowup!"

Maybe Ngionah could tell ze was serious, because ē-ziu put hir down very quickly.

Ze tried to steady hirself with one hand against the wall.

Ngionah took the few steps back to hir bedside table, grabbed hir glasses and hearing aids, and returned to hir, still moving very quickly. Ē-ziu tried to push hir hearing aids into hir ears.

Jue had to take them and put them in hirself. Ngionah was doing it wrong and it hurt and they would not work properly. They beeped when ze turned them on.

"Hurry," ē-ziu said as ze put hir glasses on. "We must move quickly."

"What's- What is- going on?" ze said as ē-ziu pulled hir by the hand to the laundry closet and unlocked it.

Ze was surely going to die. It was almost funny. They had gone to all that trouble to save hir for a piece of paper and now ze was going to die anyway.

"We are evacuating from the palace," said Ngionah. "We will meet with your family further along. Come."

Ngionah unlocked another door at the back of the closet. The emergency exit that Jue was not allowed a key to. Ē-ziu pushed hir through ahead of ē-ziun and locked it again behind them.

Stumbling along in hir bare feet through the dusty passage after Ngionah, ze remembered what ē-ziu had explained to hir ages ago in case of an attack on the palace. A fragile, foreign emotion- hope- awoke in hir.

It might not be the rebels Talí was with. It could be Wend-Ki'an soldiers or some other group that would not hesitate to kill hir. But… it could be Talí's rebels.

Ngionah's grip on hir wrist was very tight, and ē-ziu was much stronger than hir. There was no way ze could escape.

They met Raiqiongshē, Alokti, Onarys, Teixal, and Neqio at an intersection with another narrow passage. Jue could tell they were going up towards the surface by the burn in hir calves.

Then more nobles, and Sei, and the betrothal candidates except for Waleiyi, and Jiremau (ze did not look at Jiremau. Hir wife). They would be in one of the pyramids soon, surely, and then they would disappear and Jue would not get another chance.

The rebels were not going to find them in time.

Jue opened hir mouth and screamed.

Raiqiongshē slapped hir. "Be quiet."

Jue choked on hir scream, reeling.

Raiqiongshē had never hit hir before. No one had ever hit hir before.

Everyone was looking at hir in horror.

"Do you want to be found?" Raiqiongshē said sharply. "Stay quiet, Jeilajue, unless you want to find out exactly what these insurgents will do to you."

Jue did not know what an insurgent was, but Raiqiongshē was afraid of the rebels, and Talí had said the rebels would not hurt hir.

Maybe they would anyway. Talí's word did not mean certainty. It did not even mean certainty of what Talí wanted. It definitely did not mean that every rebel would follow it.

Jue did not really care what they were going to do with hir. Marriage was worse than anything else ze could imagine.

Thinking of Fiitsãn and Talí and everything they had talked about, looking at Mkera, ze knew the empire had to fall even if ze was going to fall with it.

Everybody cared that ze had screamed and nobody cared that Raiqiongshē had hit hir. Raiqiongshē could get away with anything, because he was a grownup and abled and the Elder Emperor.

Nobody should be able to get away with anything like Raiqiongshē could with Jue and parents could with children and the empire could with the people both inside and outside of it.

Jue breathed in all the way and screamed again.

Ngionah clapped a hand over hir mouth. "Stop. Stop. You need to stop. I know this is scary but it is not the time for a tantrum."

Jue desperately hoped they had heard hir. Ze hoped ze had been loud enough. It was hard to tell how loud ze was being even when things were normal and ze did not really know how well noise travelled through the palace, but ze had been as loud as ze possibly could. Ze hoped it was enough to follow.

Ze did not like the feeling of Ngionah's hand over hir mouth or the way ē-ziu was holding hir to keep hir still.

"I'll be quiet," ze said, or tried to say, voice muffled by ē-zius hand. "You can let go." But ze did not think Ngionah heard, with Raiqiongshē talking too. Hir throat felt thick with held-back tears.

"Just pick o-hān up and carry o-hān," Raiqiongshē was saying. "We do not have time for o-hān to be difficult. If o-hā is going to act like a child, o-hā deserves to be treated like one."

Ngionah picked hir up, hand still over hir mouth. Ze wanted to kick but ze did not want to hurt ē-ziun.

At least Ngionah held hir tightly enough that ze did not get jostled around very much. At least ē-zius hand over hir mouth meant ē-ziu was pretty much holding hir head still. Even if it hurt.

The rebels had not found them yet. Maybe ze should delay them somehow.

Ze did not want to hurt Ngionah.

Ze did not want them to hurt hir again.

Ze really, really did not want them to escape and take hir with them.

The way Ngionah had to hold hir to keep ē-zius hand over hir mouth meant ze was not as trapped as ze could be. Ze could, probably, put up enough of a fight to make ē-ziun put hir down.

"Sorry," ze mumbled into Ngionah's hand, and kicked ē-ziun with hir freer leg.

Ē-ziu stumbled in surprise.

Jue kept fighting ē-zius hold on hir. It was not really violence, ze reasoned, just making hirself harder to hold onto.

Ze was not as big or strong as Ngionah, but ze was not small, either. Ze should be hard to carry without hir cooperation.

"Stop," Ngionah hissed. "Stop it, Jue, or I'm going to drop you. You're going to hurt yourself. Stop."

Jue shoved harder against ē-zius chest and felt ē-zius grip finally slip.

It did hurt when ze hit the hard ground. It hurt all along hir arm and side. Ze bit hir cheek and tasted blood. Hir eyes teared up.

Being hurt was a delay. A delay was what ze wanted.

"Oww." Ze let the tears fall.

Ze went limp as Ngionah tried to help hir back up.

This was embarrassing. Everyone was seeing hir be vulnerable, be hurt, be a screw-up, and they would never forget about it.

Raiqiongshē stomped back over and grabbed Jue's other arm, hard. He was so angry. Jue was always making him angry. Ze hated making him angry.

"Jeilajue," Raiqiongshē said, almost to quiet for Jue to hear. "You are an embarrassment and you are putting us all in danger. A worthy emperor would not do this. I was clearly wrong to agree that you would not need to be sedated for this."

Jue stayed limp. Ze was not sure ze could stop right now. Ze felt faint and sick.

"If you continue to refuse to cooperate, I will arrange for you and your wife to be placed in the same bedchamber when we get to our destination," Raiqiongshē said. "We both know you do not want that, but you are testing the limits of my tolerance for your unreasonableness."

Ze was not in control of the tears anymore. There was a little sobbing gasp.

Then, in both directions around hir, people started shouting.

Ngionah pulled hir behind ē-ziun so hard it wrenched both hir shoulders.

It was loud, and confusing, and Jue was on the floor with hir back to the wall and hiding hir head in hir knees on instinct. It was too much different noise for hir hearing aids to process for hir and all ze could hear was hir own breathing and hir own blood rushing.

Talí had promised they would not hurt hir.

Ze was going to die for sure. They did not need hir anymore, if they even knew ze had been helping in the first place.

It would all be over soon, one way or another.

"FREEZE OR I'LL BLOW US ALL UP!"

Everything went suddenly silent. Now it really was just Jue's shallow breathing and fast heartbeat.

Ze squeezed hir arms tighter around hirself. Ze did not recognize the voice.

"Drop your weapons."

Ngionah bent down, hand coming into Jue's narrow field of vision between ē-zius boots, and set ē-zius gun on the floor in front of them.

Jue very slowly raised hir head just enough to see what was going on.

Ze did not recognize the person holding the bomb by their face, either. It was a big crowd of people, maybe bigger than ze had expected. Ze could not see Fiitsãn, and Talí lived so far away ze doubted they would be anywhere here.

There were guns. Jue had been shot at a couple times before but it had never hit hir or really gotten close. Ze wondered if that was going to change. If they hit the right places, ze would not even know it had happened until ze was no longer hirself or in this world.

Raiqiongshē looked like he could not decide if he was angry or scared or both. He and Alokti- who was visibly shaking but standing her ground- had put themselves on either side of Onarys, who had both hands on his pregnant belly. Teixal's cheeks were very pink like she was frustrated and she had her hands up in surrender. Jue could not see Neqio, who must be somewhere among the other nobles and guards with them.

"Your Majesty," said Ngionah slowly, "I need you to stay very still."

Jue knew ze was a valuable target. It would be politically inconvenient if ze died right now. That was why they had gone to all that effort to stop hir. People got especially upset when ze was threatened. Talí's rebels would not have kidnapped hir if they had not thought ze would be useful as a hostage.

If they shot hir, it would make a point. People liked using hir to make points.

Ze could use hirself to make a point, too.

Raiqiongshē, everyone, they would never forgive hir for siding against them. They would never love hir again. Fiitsãn and Talí would never forgive hir if ze did not.

It would be easier to just stay still and let whatever happened, happen.

It was the right thing to do, though. It would show them, show the whole empire, that ze thought the rebels were right. Maybe it would even sway some of the nobles, though ze was not convinced they cared about hir actual opinions and would believe ze was acting under hir own power.

Ze slowly stood up.

"Hey!" The rebel with a gun pointed at hir said. "You! Stay down!"

"What are you doing?" said Ngionah out of the corner of ē-zius mouth. "I told you to stay still."

Jue held out hir empty hands desperately. Ze did not even know how to fight, and anyone could see that ze was not very strong.

Ze took a small step towards them, half-hoping they would shoot hir before ze did something so irreversibly damaging to how people saw hir, how hir family saw hir.

"HEY!"

Ngionah reached for hir arm and froze again when one of the rebels fired a warning shot.

"Wait, wait-"

Fiitsãn's voice.

Jue closed hir eyes and took another step. Ze thought it was worth it but ze did not want to see it coming if ze died and ze did not want to look at Raiqiongshē and see the betrayal and disappointment ze was sure to cause.

Fiitsãn's voice was getting closer. "I told you-"

Nobody shot hir, so ze kept going.

"-ze's on our side."

Warm fingers wove through hirs.

It felt like choking, but Fiitsãn held hir hand like they could trust each other, so ze quietly said, "I think they are right."

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There was a plastic mask over hir mouth and nose. That was the first thing ze noticed. It pinched hir skin and made hir face itchy under the edges.

There should not be anything on hir face if ze were dead and in the Divine Realm. Ze did not know what the Divine Realm was like but it was not supposed to be like this.

Jue wanted to scream. Ze could not even die right.

Everyone was going to be so upset with hir. And ze was still going to have to get married.

Ze did not want to open hir eyes or move, because then everyone would know ze was awake, but the mask and the tape on hir wrist and everything was so uncomfortable.

Ze tried to reach up and pull it off and immediately found a hand pushing hir arm back down. Rough. Maybe Ngionah's. Ngionah had rough hands.

Somebody said something but ze could not make it out, of course.

Ze did not want to be awake.

Unhappily, Jue opened hir eyes. Ze at least wanted to know who was touching hir.

No glasses. Everything was fuzzy.

Fiitsãn?

Someone rushed to fit hir hearing aids into hir ears and push hir glasses on. It took hir a frustratingly long moment to come up with their name. It was someone ze knew well. Attendant Seina.

Ē-rei gently pulled the mask off hir face.

"I'm sorry," ze felt hirself say. "Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry-"

"Attendant Seina," said Ngionah. "Go inform the Elder Emperor and the Queen Regent that the Younger Emperor is awake."

"Yes, Captain." Attendant Seina left.

"It's okay," Fiitsãn said. "It's okay, Jue, you have nothing to be sorry for."

He reached out to touch Jue's face, but Ngionah pulled his hand back.

"You do not want to be touching o-hān when they get here," ē-ziu said. "You're on thin ice to begin with."

"That is not fair," Jue protested. Fiitsãn was the only good thing about waking up. He had said something, a long time ago, about Jue defending him. "Fiitsãn is my friend. I want o-rūn to be here."

Ngionah looked at the two of them pityingly. Jue hated being looked at like that. Like ze was too childish to understand what the problem was. Like ze could not both know what the problem was and think it was unfair.

"Queng Nareisuo has generously allowed me to be here because a-hā knew you would feel better if I were here when you woke up," Fiitsãn said stiffly. He spoke differently when he and Jue weren't alone, with a different accent that seemed to Jue more neutral but less like himself. He tucked his hands behind his back. "I won't give a-hān a reason to change a-hās mind. I don't want to leave yet."

Gods, Jue was such an awful friend for putting Fiitsãn through this. And he was still here, even with how they had left things. Ze wished ze could say something about that, but ze did not want to drive him away by reminding him, and with Ngionah here there was not much they could really talk about anyway.

Raiqiongshē and Onarys arrived soon. Raiqiongshē frowned at Fiitsãn's presence but did not say anything.

"Oh, Jeilajue." Onarys sat down on the hospital bed, flooding Jue with shame. "If I had only known you were in distress-"

"You did know!" Fiitsãn snapped. His natural accent came out. "Ze told you! You just didn't listen or care! You could have easily prevented this! You absolutely knew!"

"You are dismissed," Raiqiongshē said coolly. "Your employment is terminated. Leave us."

Jue did not understand what all of that meant, but from the stricken look on Fiitsãn's face, it was not good.

"Get out," Raiqiongshē said. "Captain Ruol?"

"Fiitsãn," said Ngionah warningly.

"I'm going," Fiitsãn said, and left before Ngionah could make him.

"No!" said Jue, and to hir horror ze started to cry in front of Raiqiongshē. "No, no, I want o-rūn here, no…"

"Princess Jiremau of Berysek is now Queen Jiremau of Rāmia," said Raiqiongshē. "Lady Paona stood in for you."

Jue sobbed.

"Perhaps… some stronger medication," said Onarys to Raiqiongshē.

"You do not have to do anything with o-hān right now," said Raiqiongshē. "You are both young, and given your condition, no one expects consummation yet. Heirs can be conceived through artificial means when you are a little older and o-hā is more fit to carry a child. You have separate rooms and it will be years yet before governing together will necessary. You did not even have to be at the ceremony."

Jue cried harder. Ze had not wanted to think that ze would still be here by now. Ze did not want to consider that ze would still be here in three years.

"I have tried to protect you from the realities of it, but the empire is crumbling," said Raiqiongshē. "We need that support from Berysek. This is what had to happen. For now, it is a marriage in name only, and you will be fine."

Teixal and Alokti had arrived while Raiqiongshē was trying to explain things to hir. Jue felt like ze hated them. Ze hated everyone and everything right now.

Ze hid hir face in the sheet.

"No one wants to get married," Teixal said. "You need to grow up and get over it and stop making it the whole empire's problem."

"Now is not the time for your dramatics," said Alokti. "I never thought you were so selfish."

"Alokti!" Jue had never heard Raiqiongshē even slightly raise his voice at her before.

"…I'm sorry," Alokti said. "You scared me, Jue."

"No, you're right," said Teixal. "The empire is in crisis and it needs hir. Hir actions have consequences for other people. Ze needs to know that."

"Now is not the time," Raiqiongshē said. He probably agreed. Jue was selfish and dramatic.

There was a period of silence where Jue knew they were all watching hir cry.

"I'm sorry," ze said into the sheet.

"Jue," said Raiqiongshē. "Look at me."

Heart pounding in hir chest, Jue looked up.

"I cannot lose you," Raiqiongshē said. "You are my child. Losing you would break my heart."

Jue opened hir mouth to apologize again, but what came out was, "Why do you even care? You have a better one on the way!"

"Jue," Onarys sighed. "This baby will not replace you."

"No one could replace you," said Raiqiongshē. "No one could replace Gādua Haishionā and no one could replace you either. It doesn't work like that."

Jue did not say anything. Ze was just going to cry more if ze opened hir mouth.

Everyone except Ngionah eventually left. The empire was, as they had said, in crisis, and they were needed to manage it.

"They found your dream beads," said Ngionah.

"Oh," said Jue numbly. There would be no more talking to Fiitsãn or Talí.

"I can't do anything about the marriage," said Ngionah. "But I can tell your grandmother that it would be a security risk to let anyone else into your room, given your weakened state. Keep the new Queen Consort and the rest of the candidates out for a little while while you recover."

"Okay," said Jue. Ze was all wrung out. "Thank you."

"I will be keeping a very close eye on you," Ngionah said, and Jue wasn't sure whether it was meant as a warning or a comfort.

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This morning, Sei had publicly withdrawn her support from the war.

Jue was, guiltily, glad to have Raiqiongshē's disappointment focused on someone else for once.

Ze did not know why Sei had done that, but ze was glad she had, because she was very popular among the people and might sway a lot of opinions.

Ze was supposed to meet the Taqa betrothal candidates today. Inoj and Suinak. Raiqiongshē and Lady Ragonia hoped a Taqa consort might help settle Avutaq, a province that had never really adapted to being Rāmian.

Jue wished hir stomach would stop flopping around. Ze kept having to use the toilet and hir appetite was entirely gone.

Ze was scared to meet them and ze was scared to talk to Fiitsãn about it.

Usually, ze took two pills every morning for hir anxiety. They were not helping. Maybe a few more would calm hir down so ze could do the meeting without so much panic.

It turned out taking more than twice as many pills as ze was supposed to was called an overdose, and it was absolutely miserable.

So much for settling hir stomach. Ze had thrown up twice now and still felt nauseous.

Raiqiongshē and his consorts took turns sitting with hir, but ze was so sick ze could not even enjoy their tenderness.

"I have to go," Teixal said, smoothing hir hair. "Onarys will come with with you when he has a moment. Attendant Seina will make sure you keep drinking water."

Jue moaned. Drinking water made hir scared ze was going to throw up again, but drying out would probably feel even worse. Ze was shaking so much that Attendant Seina would have to hold the glass for hir.

"Try to get some sleep," said Teixal.

With the timezone difference or Talí's need for frequent naps or some other coincidence, Jue was able to meet Talí in the dreamspace.

Even hir dreamspace was a mess. Instead of the usual grey, undefined surroundings ze usually got, it was full of sharp, spinning shapes and colours that hurt to look at and touch.

"Jue!" Talí said. "Damn, is the inside of your head always like this? It's worse than mine."

"I'm sick," Jue said. "I got really anxious and I took too many of my pills. Usually it's just neutral."

Gods. Ze was so sick ze could not even keep hir words from contracting.

"Oh," said Talí. "That sucks. That's why you're asleep right now?"

"Dozing enough to be here," Jue said. Ze did not think ze was really, fully asleep, which meant ze was going to wake up and not even feel a tiny bit rested.

"I get pretty anxious too, sometimes," said Talí. "My head just starts spinning and spinning with everything that might be wrong and it gets all muddled up and makes it hard to exist."

"Sei said o-mē no longer supports the war," Jue said. Ze did not want to talk about how hir anxiety made hir feel. "I do not know why, but that's good, right?"

"Yeah," said Talí. "That's good. My cousin has been sort of dating-" Their face scrunched as they came up with the correct Rāmiloq pronoun structure- "o-mēn, and ffe just was arrested for protesting the war, so… maybe that's part of why."

"That sucks," Jue said.

"Yeahhhh," said Talí, dragging out the word. "Things are rough at home right now."

Jue woke up crying. Ze did not know why.

Ze had fallen asleep in hir glasses and hearing aids, which was very uncomfortable.

"Hush," Onarys said. "Here, have some water. The doctor said you will feel better soon, but we just have to wait it out. The way your medicine works, it stops your brain from re-absorbing serotonin, which is a chemical in your brain, too fast. But taking too much means you have too much serotonin in your body now, which is causing problems. We just have to wait for it to get absorbed back into other chemicals."

Jue gulped down the whole glass. Hir mouth was so dry and it tasted so bad.

"You're going to be okay," said Onarys. "It's good you only took a few too many. It can get really dangerous, but you're going to be fine."

"My tummy hurts," Jue whined, then started crying again. Ze sounded like a baby.

"I know," said Onarys. "We'll have some thin soup sent down when you're ready. Getting something in your stomach should help."

Jue turned hir face into the pillow. Hir glasses smushed up against hir cheeks.

"Let's take those off," said Onarys. "We can just put them on the table and you can get some better sleep. Attendant Seina will clean them for you. They will be right here when you need them."

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They were having Family Time. Jue's opinion on Family Time varied, because it wasn't always nice to be with Raiqiongshē etcetera, but it could be comfortable and a nice break too.

Jue tucked hir knees under hir chin and leaned into the corner of the chesterfield. They tried to have Family Time at least somewhat often. Alokti had gone to bed early with a headache, and Onarys was reading in the corner of the Elder Emperor’s Sitting Room (Jue had a sitting room too, but they always used Raiqiongshē’s). Jue, Raiqiongshē, and Teixal were playing a card game.

"Do you have any blue cards, Jue?" Raiqiongshē asked.

Jue awkwardly looked through hir cards, almost dropping some. Ze had never quite mastered fanning them out. "No. Sorry. Draw a card or play any blues you have."

"The princesses of Berysek arrived today," Raiqiongshē said as he leaned forward to draw a card. "They are both almost the same age as you, but I know the cultural differences might be hard. You will pick one of them, as per the contract signed by your mother and the former Beri King."

The comfortableness of the evening disappeared.

“I would rather choose neither,” said Jue bitterly.

Teixal sighed. “Not again. You’re not actually getting married yet, anyway. You’re pretty and rich and royal. Everyone will want you, everyone will love you. You’ll have your pick. You have nothing to worry about.”

“My pick is no one!” Jue said, tears pricking at hir throat. Ze had literally just said that.

"Most marriages do not turn out like your parents'," Raiqiongshē said. "Do not worry about that. Every potential consort has been and will continue to be thoroughly vetted."

Jue did hir best to be calm and rational. "That is not my only problem with this."

“I do not expect romance,” said Raiqiongshē, “nor should they. This is purely political.”

“But they will.”

“There is no romance in my marriages,” said Raiqiongshē. “It is obvious that there is not meant to be romance in political marriages.”

And what made Raiqiongshē think that? Because from what Jue saw, people did expect there to be at least a show of romance. Marriage meant romance in Rām, even if it was arranged.

“It could be really good,” said Teixal. “I know you’re lonely, Jue. We hope that you will at least make some friends, and it will be good for you to have people of your own age and class to keep you company. Other than Mkera of the Nsole, there are enough candidates from each place that you’ll be able to pick people you like; even Shio, though the only Gharan, might marry Sei instead. Raiqiongshē and I aren’t in love, but we get along well and work well together.”

Jue had a friend. Two friends, maybe, now, counting Talí. No one else could get that close- or closer, even, because ze would have to share hir whole life with whoever ze married. Even if they were vetted.

“If the idea of sex still bothers you in a few years, there are other ways to have heirs,” said Raiqiongshē. “You will need heirs, because our family is still too small after PNIV, but there are other ways. Gods willing, Onarys and I will have a child early next year, and we will have just enough for a direct line of succession if I were to die because you would become Elder Emperor and my child would become the Younger, but more are needed. There is always the option of medically-produced pregnancies, or you may have two consorts who are naturally able to have children with each other, and if you cannot do that there is the possibility of adoption. I promise you that you will not have to have sex.”

That did, actually, make Jue feel a little bit better. Hir sex-repulsion was one of the main things in the way of feeling okay with marriage. It did not make everything better, because ze did not like romance and ze did not like a lot of touching and ze did not want hir private life to become not hir own and ze did not trust anyone to be that close to hir, but it was one less problem.

This baby would be the perfect child and heir Jue had never been. Ze had better savour Family Time while it lasted.

“We only ever had sex to consummate the marriage,” said Teixal, and Jue, now forced to think about Raiqiongshē's sex life, no longer felt better.

“I think that comment made things unnecessarily uncomfortable for all of us, Teixal,” said Raiqiongshē.

“I still do not want it,” Jue said quietly, hir blood rushing in hir ears and hir sore throat still threatening tears.

“We need our alliance with Berysek to be stronger during this war and to honour our contract, and we need to settle Avutaq because we cannot afford a civil war, and we need to get military access to Kelos before Wend-Ki does,” said Raiqiongshē. “This is very important.”

“I don’t want to!” Jue was standing up now, the card game forgotten on the table. “I can’t do it!”

“Did you take your anxiety medicine today, Jue?” Teixal asked.

Always ‘did you take your medicine.’ They always asked if ze had taken hir medicine, never what they could do to actually fix what was wrong. 

“I know it is hard for you right now,” said Raiqiongshē. “But part of being royal is sacrificing for the empire, and part of being Rāmiq is sacrificing for your family. Sometimes we have to do hard things.”

He sounded profoundly sad when he said that, but Jue did not care. Did ze not do enough hard things already? Everything ze did was hard.

“Why won’t you ever just listen to me?” Jue cried, and ran out before anyone could respond. 

Attendant Qiaf was arranging Jue’s bed when ze burst into hir room, slamming the door before Ngionah could follow hir.

“Your Majesty, are you well?” Attendant Qiaf asked.

“Go away!” Jue shouted, tears already running freely down hir face.

Attendant Qiaf looked surprised. Jue did not yell at the staff. Hir nanny Beo!raad had taught hir to always be respectful, especially to the people who made everything run smoothly.

“Sorry,” said Jue, the storm inside hir now even worse, because ze was not angry at Attendant Qiaf, ze should not be angry at all but especially not with ē-rein, and now ze had upset ē-rein too. “Sorry. I would like to be alone, please. Sorry.”

Attendant Qiaf bowed ē-reis head and left Jue in peace.

Well, brief peace. 

Ngionah poked ē-zius head in after ē-rei left. “Are you okay?”

“I want to be alone,” said Jue.

“Okay,” said Ngionah. “I’ll be just on the other side of this door.”

Jue nodded, and Ngionah closed the door.

You’re pretty and rich and royal. Everyone will want you.

Ze did not want that. Ze did not want that. Desperately, ze dug hir fingernails into hir face and scraped at the skin. Maybe if ze stopped being pretty ze would not have to be betrothed. But if ze stopped being pretty people would think even less of hir. But maybe ze would not have to be betrothed because all the candidates would reject hir.

Ze threw hirself onto hir bed face-first. Ze needed Attendant Seina to help hir get ready for bed, but it was still earlier than ū-rei usually came, and ze did not want to be even more of a problem for even more people by summoning ū-rein. Maybe ze could just fall asleep in hir clothes with dirty teeth.

“Hey,” said Onarys, startling Jue. Hir face was still in hir pillow, and ze could not hear well enough to have heard the door open and Onarys’s footsteps. Ngionah must have let them in.

“He never listens,” Jue mumbled.

“He loves you.”

“I know,” said Jue tiredly. “I wish he would listen to me.”

“Look, marriage…” said Onarys, and sighed. “Marriage is only a piece of paper, okay? I promise that we will never put you in danger, and you can still have your own private life. Raiqiongshē and I don’t have much in common, so we mostly went about our lives separately before my pregnancy, except for politics and sometimes you. You can have separate rooms and everything. You will still have your own space.”

“I want to be a good emperor,” said Jue, turning to face them. “I really do-”

“What happened to your face?” Onarys interrupted.

“I… I scratched it,” said Jue. Ze could not tell them why and make them see hir as even weaker. “It… it was itchy and I scratched too much.”

“Oh, Jue,” Onarys said, in a way that felt pitying. “Okay. Have Attendant Seina help you with those scrapes when ū-rei arrives. They will only be itchier when they’re healing.”

“I am just so scared,” Jue said quietly, wiping hir nose on hir handkerchief.

“I know,” said Onarys. “Things are scary right now, and change and growing up can be hard.”

“I think the war is awful,” said Jue. “I do not want to get married to help it. I just want peace.”

“It’s more complicated than you understand, Jue,” said Onarys. “Peace will come faster if we are a stronger empire with stronger allies.”

“I do not want to live my life with more people who are only pretending to like me for politics,” said Jue. “Nobody actually likes me anyway.”

“I like you,” said Onarys. “Alokti and Teixal and Raiqiongshē like you-”

“No, he doesn’t,” muttered Jue, which Onarys either did not hear or chose not to respond to.

“You have that friend, the apprentice gardener boy, he likes you,” said Onarys. They were the only one who knew about Jue’s friendship with Fiitsãn. They had promised not to tell anyone, because Jue did not have any other friends and a low-class friend was better than no friends at all.

“I guess,” said Jue. Maybe. Ze did not know why he would, though.

“You’re a sweet, kind, polite boy,” said Onarys. “You are liked. You might end up getting along really well with some of the candidates. Raiqiongshē and Teixal hit it off right away when they married. Teixal was right about your loneliness- this could help.”

“I guess,” said Jue again. What was even the point of this? Betrothal might very well be hir breaking point, and if not marriage would be, but ze would do it anyway when it came down to it, because ze wanted to be a good emperor and a good family member and a good Rāmiq and a good Rāmian and ze wanted Raiqiongshē to be proud of hir. Nobody really liked hir but everyone pretended to and it had been that way all hir life and would continue to be that way forever. People were dying in the war and everything was more complicated than ze understood and ze could not change anything. Nothing would ever really change. 

Ze had not talked to Fiitsãn since meeting Mkera, certain ze could only be an obligation, but in a desperate moment, ze put his dream bead under hir pillow once more tonight.

"I cannot do this," ze sobbed.

"You won't have to," said Fiitsãn.

What did that mean? Did Fiitsãn not expect hir to make it to the marriages? Was ze supposed to die by hir own hand- or did Fiitsãn know something Jue did not, and maybe ze would die by Fiitsãn's hand or a rebel's or a Wend-Ki'an assassin's?

"I just wish they would listen to me," ze said. "I am the Younger Emperor of Rāmia and even still no one cares what I have to say."

"I care what you have to say," Fiitsãn said, which could mean ze took Jue's thoughts and feelings into account and could mean he had collected way too much information on Jue that could very easily be used against hir.

Then again, maybe everyone was right not to care what Jue had to say- after all, Jue could not even trust hir own mind. Ze had to stop letting the paranoia get in the way of hir friendship with Fiitsãn, but what if it was not just paranoia and ze was right? Ze could not know, and ze certainly could not let Fiitsãn know ze distrusted hir because that could ruin their friendship.

Ynesalinau was the third legitimate child of the Beri Queen, and Jiremau was Ynesalinau's cousin. Jue had spent a lot of time this morning practicing their names and proper titles.

They were, of course, both strikingly beautiful. Jue had done hir best to cover up the fresh scabs on hir face, but they could no doubt see them.

Ynesalinau had long violet hair styled in elaborate braids that unwound into tight waves at her shoulders. O-mēs clothes achieved the fashionable loose shape while being expertly designed to avoid getting caught in o-mēs wheelchair.

Jiremau bore a strong family resemblance to Ynesalinau in the shape of o-mēs face, and had clear Beri features like o-mēs broad nose and lovely puff of hair like Fiitsãn's except much shorter, but where Ynesalinau had very dark skin, Jiremau was very pale. A pretty silver-and-pink parasol rested over o-mēs shoulder.

During their meeting, Ynesalinau did almost all the talking, and o-mēs presence dominated Jiremau's in every way despite Jiremau's greater height. If Jue remembered correctly, Ynesalinau was the elder of the two, so perhaps that was to be expected.

Jue would never measure up to either of them, but ze definitely could never measure up to Ynesalinau.

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