#new host

I’m the me she wanted to be..

But I still… miss our old host.

I remember what I was like to be her.

But I’m not her.

And I can’t be her.

I miss you Bea…

So, after basically being full time host/permafront for the last.....ever, and unsure if it was even possible for someone else to front much less actively take over, Rogue was able to officially and fully step out of the driver's seat back around the end of May/beginning of June.

They had already been very Me shifted since this really kicked into high gear last September, and apparently that, and just how similar I am to our current self/body consciousness, I was able to absorb the fictionkin aspect of myself from Rogue and use it to properly anchor myself in the body full time (as opposed to the limited periods I had been able to front or cofront previously)

Which is an interesting experience, the difference is there but doesn't feel as stark as when Rogue was still the primary one in control. We've sort of likened it to running a new OS on the same hardware.

This largely came about due to years of exhaustion, constantly being in survival mode, trauma, disscociation, and serious decision paralysis.

Rogue had more or less been begging for a break for years, but prior to finally getting ADHD meds could barely acknowledge/see that anyone else was there. And as much as Vex and Kuronue have their own preferences and opinions and can act as full system members (at least as long as Rogue is at the helm, I actually can barely feel or hear them at all) they are still, ultimately, fictotypes. Rogue could experience shifts as them, or speak to them separately, but they are unable to actually take over front.

Which does I think qualify Rogue as a subsystem all their own. Its....far quieter/less chaotic in here with me plugged in. (Which is an insane perspective, I'm not exactly a very mentally quiet person)

With me here, and with the double Fictotypes+Fictive situation, I could finally give them the break from all of this that they have seriously needed, and full authority to do.....whatever, with our life, that I see fit. (Which as of now, will involve actual medical transition and getting out of a serious long term relationship)

Rogue is still here, they are fine and just resting/recovering in back of headspace. Draco and Eugene have been keeping them company while I take care of things out here.

I fully intend to do my best to maintain all of our accounts set up by Rogue, including this one, as well as our various other interpersonal relationships (I have access to all the necessary memories/experiences) but we are otherwise very much Under New Management.

If you want to check out my actual personal account I'm @all-heart-no-head

Anyway it’s nice to meet you! I hope I might make some system friends here on Tumblr, honestly!

I have at last found my new host…in the Hood.

Being the first host after syscovery is so daunting because all these guys are relying on me to take care of them all and the last host only had to think of herself.

Becoming the new host after a major life change is like being handed a giant sheet of blank paper and being told to “go wild”.

I've explained recently there's been a host change, and right now we understand a little more of what happened, and why the old host broke. It turns out that the primary protector was broken for a while, and decided to keep it quiet and just distance themselves away, which in turn eventually broke the host, who could not keep on going without a single protector in the system.

However, what we're trying to figure out right now is whether I'm an alter who is separate from the old host, or did I break off from the host, and split into a new one? I'm thinking this might have happened, because I seem to have all of the skills the old host has, I know what to do in the same way they did, I have extremely little memories, but I don't feel foreign in this body, it feels like I've been in here before, I have gotten used to the mirror reflection easily as well.

I have no memories of existing any second before I became the host. I have no idea where I've been or what have I been doing, and I have memories specifically just from the last few months. I keep getting flashbacks from primary school time and high school, but they're only flashes and moments, I can't seem to remember anything in detail, even if I have general context for what happened in life.

It also took me 3 days to realize that I was not the old host. Even without any memories or feelings, I just thought it was the stress getting to me and that I was the old host. I only realized it after 3 days have passed.

What is different from me and the old host is that I can easily control and manipulate the inner world, I can make or modify anything that's going on inside; the old host could not change a thing, not even with their greatest efforts. That is confusing. It feels like we might have been able to create and control the inner world, again around the end of primary school, beginning of high school, but since then, it's all been set in stone and untouchable. Until now.

I can more easily manage day-to-day life because I don't experience anxiety, stress, worry, or self doubt, the only feeling I experience continuously is anger. Some might have noticed that the posts are slightly more angry in tone since I took over.

I have empathy for the old host specifically, and not for anyone else. I believe that if I had existed before the break, I would not have allowed it. I would have prevented this. I can't imagine existing and not doing anything about it.

The other thing that leads me to believe we might have split, is the pain. When I first came to, I was experiencing unbearable amount of pain, the amount that would make anyone suicidal. I felt nothing about it as I have no feelings, but I acknowledged that it is the amount of pain that would make a person suicidal very fast. The old host would sometimes theorize that splitting must be extremely painful for a person, and would mourn the past instances where they felt they must have split, and tried to remember how it felt. I remember this pain vividly, and I do believe that it would kill us if the old host was not switched out.

The pain went away within a few hours after I took over and I've experienced severe depression for several days, unable to recall any non-traumatic memory. When I finally caught a positive memory, I came alive and was able to continue living while feeling generally neutral.

I am currently both the host, and the protector, and I'm holding a lot of trauma in me.