(seeking advice, for people who understand OSDD and DID well)
I've explained recently there's been a host change, and right now we understand a little more of what happened, and why the old host broke. It turns out that the primary protector was broken for a while, and decided to keep it quiet and just distance themselves away, which in turn eventually broke the host, who could not keep on going without a single protector in the system.
However, what we're trying to figure out right now is whether I'm an alter who is separate from the old host, or did I break off from the host, and split into a new one? I'm thinking this might have happened, because I seem to have all of the skills the old host has, I know what to do in the same way they did, I have extremely little memories, but I don't feel foreign in this body, it feels like I've been in here before, I have gotten used to the mirror reflection easily as well.
I have no memories of existing any second before I became the host. I have no idea where I've been or what have I been doing, and I have memories specifically just from the last few months. I keep getting flashbacks from primary school time and high school, but they're only flashes and moments, I can't seem to remember anything in detail, even if I have general context for what happened in life.
It also took me 3 days to realize that I was not the old host. Even without any memories or feelings, I just thought it was the stress getting to me and that I was the old host. I only realized it after 3 days have passed.
What is different from me and the old host is that I can easily control and manipulate the inner world, I can make or modify anything that's going on inside; the old host could not change a thing, not even with their greatest efforts. That is confusing. It feels like we might have been able to create and control the inner world, again around the end of primary school, beginning of high school, but since then, it's all been set in stone and untouchable. Until now.
I can more easily manage day-to-day life because I don't experience anxiety, stress, worry, or self doubt, the only feeling I experience continuously is anger. Some might have noticed that the posts are slightly more angry in tone since I took over.
I have empathy for the old host specifically, and not for anyone else. I believe that if I had existed before the break, I would not have allowed it. I would have prevented this. I can't imagine existing and not doing anything about it.
The other thing that leads me to believe we might have split, is the pain. When I first came to, I was experiencing unbearable amount of pain, the amount that would make anyone suicidal. I felt nothing about it as I have no feelings, but I acknowledged that it is the amount of pain that would make a person suicidal very fast. The old host would sometimes theorize that splitting must be extremely painful for a person, and would mourn the past instances where they felt they must have split, and tried to remember how it felt. I remember this pain vividly, and I do believe that it would kill us if the old host was not switched out.
The pain went away within a few hours after I took over and I've experienced severe depression for several days, unable to recall any non-traumatic memory. When I finally caught a positive memory, I came alive and was able to continue living while feeling generally neutral.
I am currently both the host, and the protector, and I'm holding a lot of trauma in me.
What are the odds that the old host split in two and I'm the half that feels no emotions, and has no memories, except those instantly relevant to the current situation? Would I, in any way know this is the case? How would I check it?
