Into the Pine Forest…

Since this blog has my name in it “Pine” I’m keeping it for myself! 🌲

I don’t remember how our conversation went, but I know I cried a lil and she said comforting things.

I feel more settled about it all now and way less disoriented.

I also don’t fully remember the conversation with the woman at the appointment either so I guess that’s progress? I know I’ve been wanting to forget it because it made me feel yuck.

She was pushing the “they’re just personalities you put on because you like the way they help you cope”

Then told me my homework is to write down what each of them do for me when they’re at their strongest, like what is their purpose?

Some of these guys ain’t got no purpose! They’re just there!

Is Ryan’s purpose to be an emo teen boy who plays games? Is that supposed to be “I like being Ryan because he helps me relax”? Ryan’s games are not relaxing! I don’t like Ryan’s games, Ryan doesn’t like the body. This is not a helpful personality to choose to be.

I don’t know if we just fucked up in trying to explain to her, or if she just doesn’t believe me, or maybe this is just the place she starts at and will hopefully branch out her thinking when we have more conversations. But I just feel so disoriented, depressed, and unheard.

Body is saying “I’m not moving tonight” (very fatigued)

Brain hasn’t decided to take Nose’s trigger and run around screaming yet.

Heart is beginning to feel the pressure and Brain is getting there.

I’m terrified for when he wakes up. Logically, I know he’s like me; he’ll read it and say nice comforting things to cheer me up.

But my ex trained me that any potentially upsetting things must never be told to him during wake up time, otherwise he’ll get smashy.

My hand hovered over the send button for so long. I only pressed it to challenge myself and my trauma. I’m going to be on edge for the next 4 hours until he wakes up!