#incorrect tolkien

Mairon, already Sus™: I'm listening.

Melkor: Well, number one: I may have had a thing. With an Elf. In Valinor. I was lonely. Number two: I may have borrowed some of his jewelry. Without his permission. Number three: he noticed and now he's real mad at me. And number four: we're at war now. BUT.

Mairon: There's a but?

Melkor: Surprise! You love war!

Mairon:

Melkor: [does 'ta-da!' jazz hands]

Mairon, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration:

Melkor:

Mairon: I am going to throttle you.

Melkor: How? You're not tall enough.

Aragorn: Anything that wants my blood bothers me.

Kili: No cousin wants to see their cousin’s friend’s dick and balls!!!

Legolas: You cannot mount the lama. I’m sorry. You cannnot do it.

Boromir: What is that? Your ass peircing??

Denethor: MINECRAFT. THEY ARE SITTING ON THE PORCH BEING CRIMINALS. M I N E C R A F T.

Samwise: Google potatoes.

Fili: And then she had this unwashed asshole and she wanted him to eat her ass because she really wanted him to eat it, but he never did.

Thranduil: I threw shit at my children. White claws. Dirt. Children.

Merry, seeing Pippin pour beer on his foot: That’s alcohol abuse.

Bombur: I’m a big fan of beans.

Bofur: I’ve got a mattress. I can pretend that someone is under me….and on top of me.

Kili: *rushes Fili into his room* I need to tell you about my bagalini addiction. *pulls out 5 different bags* “You can’t tell Thorin!”

Dwalin, looking at Bilbo: He’s a concerning kind of weird.

Gimli: Hey! ASSHOLE! Come join your friends over there. There’s some sort of orgy happening.

Samwise, spraying an insect eating his plants: fuuuuuuccck youuuuuuuuu

Kili: Uncle Thorin poked me in the butthole.

Gimli, to Gandalf: You look like you have been antiqued.

Frodo: I feel like a shriveled up shrimp.

Elrond: Maglor! What's for dinner?

Maedhros: We're hungry, Maglor!

Ori: We were driving and Amahle didn’t see that there was a deer in the road, so I said, “Amahle, deer!”

Balin: Okay. And then?

Ori: Do you wanna tell him what you said next or should I?

Amahle:

Finarfin: I just wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish that I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles, and we'd all eat it and be happy

Feanor: He doesn't even go here!

Feanor: I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can't help it if I'm popular

Turgon, looking at Third Age Minas Tirith: that is the ugliest effing kingdom I have ever seen

Maglor: On Wednesdays, we wear red

Celegorm: Get in losers, we're going kinsl- I mean hunting

Fingolfin: Feanor, I'm sorry I laughed at you that time you hit yourself with a hammer. And I'm sorry for telling everyone about it. And I'm sorry for repeating it now.

Finrod, about Curufin: Irregardless, ex-boyfriends are just off limit to friends. I mean, that's just like, the rules of eldarism

Aredhel, to Eol: Why are you so obsessed with me?

Caranthir, about Haleth: I gave her everything! I was half a virgin when I met her

Celebrimbor, about Annatar: I gave him everything! I was half a virgin when I met him

Curufin: You're really pretty

Orodreth: Thank you

Curufin: So you agree? You think you're really pretty?

Maedhros: I don't think my father, the inventor of Silmarils, would be too pleased to hear about this

Fingon, pushing Maedhros' hair back: Will you tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back?