Leaving the bathroom as if I didn’t just experience trauma-inducing labor-like pains
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Leaving the bathroom as if I didn’t just experience trauma-inducing labor-like pains

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🌙 Moonshine - a song for hard times 💜 written during a Crohns flare (which I’m still in.. i’ll get back into remission eventually!) out now ‼️ streaming link below ✨
started as a writing exercise - for the majority of the song’s verses, the last word (or two) of each line can be used as the first word of the next. 🌓
stream here | find me here
[verse 2]
What happened to her
Fire it’s goin’ cold
Shivers now in the moonshine
Don’t keep her warm
Hands are hard to come by
When you’re livin’ in the dark
And it makes you bite
Cause they don’t listen when you bark
it pisses me how i will always be inferior to that guy in the eyes of my chem professor (I LITERALLY HAVE BETTER GRADES THAN HIM)
"My whole life for the past 14 years has been one long slide into humiliation and rage."
Thinking about the fact that it's 14 years since I really started to fall apart health-wise. And while there have been varying parts that have been steeper slide than others, I feel like humiliation and rage are both pretty damn perpetual feelings when you have severe Crohn's.
Humiliation? The soft kind, like feeling humiliated because you're left out of things because you've been unable to go along for a while so you're dropped, forgotten. The hard kind, like making sure your half hour walk to work has at least five public bathrooms along the way. Like dealing with a temporary colostomy at 23. Like having your bag leak the second time you sleep with someone. Like wearing period undies every day not because you're menstruating but because you can't trust your gut not to let you down.
Rage? At all of the above. At the way that your twenties were stolen from you and your thirties are still unpredictable at beat. At the 'oh IBD? yeah I have IBS too' replies. At the having to soothe your mother through the possibility that she might need an ostomy (at 71). At feeling so behind on life because of all of the above. At not being able to take any over the counter painkillers besides panadol. At not having the ability to spend extensive time overseas because of your medical needs and expensive drugs.
I try not let my Crohn's control my life or to focus on it too much. Or if I do, I try to focus on the fact that I haven't needed surgery in 9 years. Or that I haven't been hospitalised for a couple of years now. But days like today, with no obvious trigger, with no cooperation after dosing on loperamir and tramadol... I just want to scream.
And Raffi's words ring really fucking true.

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My Crohn's can suck it.
[covered in blood and just finished with crying hysterically]: who else up writing their personal project report
me: *eats food i know makes my IBD flare up*
my IBD: *flares up*
me: >:0