#hpd vent

Mfw I realize I am, in fact, in an episode and I’m not just being silly

it genuinely fucks with my self-esteem when im not other peoples first priority. im such a goddamn selfish person 💔

break my heart as many times as you need, as long as your eyes are still on me

inhibited HPD is honestly so isolating cause no one else i know has that type. ive never done anything super crazy for attention (in public at least), i dont dare beg people for attention or even ask, i have social anxiety so its so hard for me to be loud and flirty and bubbly like i want to be. i suffer in silence and i just hope that someone will notice and help me without me having to ask and im so jealous of people who are "mentally ill enough" for people to be super concerned about them and go to mental hospitals and shit because i've never had that kind of attention. sometimes i doubt myself on if i even have hpd because it's so different from the experiences of other people thst ive met. it feels like im faking it because i dont ALWAYS desperately need attention, honestly most of the time its fine, but when i feel left out or rejected or interrupted thats when it erupts and i just desperately need ANYONE to notice me and appreciate me but i dont dare ask for validation or reassurance because thats scary. and it feels fake. i dont even know who i am anymore because im so different with everyone and im different by myself to i lie to myself i adjust my behavior even when im by myself

and don't even get me started on the episodes. just out of nowhere it's like the world is caving in and i'm desperate and anxious and paranoid and needy and clingy and i feel like i'd do anything in the world to have someone notice me and reach out and love me in just the right way to make me feel better but then the second it's over it's like it never happened and i can't even remember whst it felt like before. it's getting to the point where i feel like im losing my mind i just want to be happy and content with myself and normal and independent but im not and im worried i never will be

ah. well i know what subtype of hpd i might have.

genuinely having such an hpd crash right now. earlier today i got totally fucking ignored while trying to sing for a friend. she payed attention and then started singing something from fucking epic the musical and interrupted me. WITH ANOTHER PERSON WHO JOINED IN. since then ive been trying to get attention from others because the main way i GET my supply is through my voice because singing is like my only talent. i also try to get it through looks but none of my friends are going to just be out there calling me sexy and cute and shit. i feel so goddamn ignored today and i know its stupid, but it genuinely ruins my self-image when i realize people dont actually care about me all of the time like i want them to. fml.