#groinal response

Although that happened to me it didn't last long and it was with this one child, but then I got schizophrenia and I called the voice in my head a pedophile (I was a teenager at the time working with children and the voice was acting predatory). I clearly saw pedophilia as something to be ashamed and tried for, that was the purpose of me calling it a pedophile (I thought it was a person and I wanted it to be arrested for being a creep). Then it started calling me a pedophile non-stop and started pushing images in my head of children, sexually, and because I couldn't get it out of my head I, plus my previous experience with the first child, I eventually made the mental to sexual stimulus connection to the children around me. Like the voice wouldn't stop at all and tried to get me to groom a child.

Then later on I did LSD and saw a fire spirit and it burned itself into my eyes and tried to make me sexualize my cousin and that threw me off. And then I found out I was a medium/shaman and manifested this dead tantra teacher and she made me sexualize my mom and kept trying to get me to image me having sex with my mom. She would shapeshift and try to get me to try having sex with someone similar to my mom and I couldn't cope man. I started feeling like I was being raped and spazzed on everyone and ended up leaving for 5 years, going no contact. Sad part is, their spirits followed me and we were corded, because we're family and left on bad terms, and the feeling of rape just followed me. Now I fear getting too close to my family because what if they try something with me, I feel like I might try to kill them.

Long story short every intrusive sexual experience I've had has been initiated by some external entity (I have no proof that the first interaction was an external entity but I can't explain how unexpectedly my attention flew the way it did, it's like something else was in control of my thoughts). I'm slowly breaking free from it with help from YHWH but it bothers me that it even happened to begin with.

I forgot to mention, the fire spirit who kept trying to get me to sexualize my cousin also tried to endorse and normalize pedophilia to me, It showed me it was the devil and that has stuck with me for years.

Everything I was experiencing was in the realm of spirituality but there's this part I can't seem to get past. After learning telepathy as real but not knowing I had schizophrenia and the mean voice in your head is not to be trusted, I was angry at my mom. I was angry because the voice made me believe that the only reason why it treated me badly was because it was my mom's fault. I also learned that I could kill people with my mind. I remember wishing my mom was dead and while she in the hospital they botched up her surgery and she had to be reopperated on. So she has a sensible fear.

So the voice in my head is calling me a pedophile and gave me pocd and groinals, it even raped me by forcing me to energetically have sex with children. Now I never physically touched a child, I used to work around children though and tried to ignore the voice and it's antics. I call schizophrenia a spirit because it's an entity that has its own memory of events and will bring them up to me. It can energy work (and heal if it chose to do so, mostly it heals itself so it can continue to torment me). It creates so much chaos in my life that now I isolate myself from my family and friends because they're all now energetically raping me.

And then I thought: "Or do I?"

So I read a bit about it. And I didn’t have every possible sign, but I had quite many. But all those symptoms were similar to anxiety ones and autism ones. And I know I have pathological anxiety and I am a self-diagnosed autistic. So it can't be OCD, can it?

But it also could...

So I took a screening test, expecting to get the "it could be but it could also not be" results, and to spend the next weeks obsessively thinking about it and take test after test, and memorize the diagnostic criteria, and watch every video or read any article on OCD that exists.

But I got the "likely/high risk" 16/20 points results...

So I will proceed to spend the next weeks researching and doubting everything, including myself.

This is going to sound weird and juvenile, but I feel like I’m playing as the Imposter in Am*ng U/s; and that, if I am left alone with either group, I will hurt them because of stupid groinal responses. So now I don’t talk much and kind of sit off to the side, either eating or staring into space; I only interact if interacted with. And it kills me because I’m kind of considered a “favorite” and the older family members call me “sweet doll” and “angel.” They don’t know what’s in my mind.