On being a woman and gender binaries
One of the greatest and most complex challenges I face as a transgender woman is reconciling my desire to critique gender binaries and binary expression, and yet at the same time wanting to be seen as a woman. I want to continue to support my queer family and fight many aspects of binaries such as the gender binary, but at the same time I so desperately want to be seen and treated with the same respect any cisgender woman would and fit into that binary. I am aware that what it means to be a woman is different for everyone identifying as woman and many aspects of gender expression are socially constructed, making the binary often shallow. Despite this though it doesn’t change the fact though that it is important to me to uphold the identity of being a woman, and that it is an extremely important part of my identity.
I feel often as a woman that at best I am often treated liked a 2nd class or less woman in comparison to cisgender women, because I am transgender. It is a largely unspoken thing (at least in face to face), but many cisgender people seem to look down on transgender women as lesser or even fake women, which is difficult since women are often not treated well to begin with. Cisgender people often don’t seem to understand or care, that as transgender women I have many of the same basic needs as any cisgender woman would have. I want to loved, respected and to feel beautiful. Instead as transgender woman I am placed and compared to beauty standard that is unfair and unrealistic for cisgender women, and treated as lesser under that standard.
This is also only made more difficult with my sexuality as a lesbian woman. I have never had a cisgender partner or even a cisgender woman express any serious interest in me and many don’t treat me like they would another cisgender woman. Like many transgender lesbian, bisexual, and pansexual (etc.) women my partners have been exclusively transgender women. Ultimately this makes me feel as though I will never be respected as an equal by a cisgender LBQ women (despite being one) and it hurts like hell. I am already constantly battling the feelings that whatever I do I will never beautiful enough for myself and often have major body dysphoria, and this sort of treatment I receive only reinforces these feelings for me of personal inadequately. I hate having a penis, my body shape, my voice, etc. and these aspects are a constant reminder of how the gender binary hurts me as a woman.
At the same time though I want so badly to be seen in the traditional sense binary feminine beauty (as well as smart as hell). I am fighting so hard to change how being a woman is seen and defined, rather than rejecting the label of being a woman all together. It hurts so much, because it is so important and valuable to me to be a woman. Part of how I want to be seen and why transition was so important to me was to be seen as my authentic self. Many transgender people (rightfully so) want to dismantle the binary aspects of society that make them feel so isolated and ostracized, and that challenges their right to be themselves selves. I often, however, find myself feeling uncomfortable in such spaces because who I am just so happens to fits so much into the binary role of woman.
It is hard for a lot for many people who oppose gender binaries to understand that for me despite the discomfort, who I am really does happens to fall mostly into this women binary category. I realize and understand the point that people move beyond labels, but I do find that being seen and treated as a woman really is important to me. While I transitioned to be myself, that self happens to be a woman who just so happens to enjoys things like wearing “femme,” dresses and skirts, rather than challenging binary expression or having a more complex gender identity. I want to be able to be me without being accused of “overcompensating,” or trying to “fit in,” which is often difficult around those who are determined to dismantle all aspects of the binary view of women and men.
This leaves me feeling unwelcome in many queer spaces, feeling as though I am placed within an unfair binary of my own where I am either supposed to be entirely for or against gender binaries systems. I often feel like I have no room or place as a transgender woman to engage in a more nuanced dialogue why being a woman is important to me, while at the same time talking about the issues binaries create for how I am defined and misdefined. One thing I have heard from one of my closest mentors that has struck me was being told and reminded frequently, that our community is diverse and that there is no wrong way to be transgender. I feel like the door should be open to all sorts of gender identities, including ones like mine that do happen to fall into binaries.
