#brokenmind

I used to believe there was a way out. That if I screamed loud enough, played hard enough, loved deep enough, maybe something — someone — would pull me from the wreck. But now I know the world doesn’t work that way. No one’s coming. The walls don’t crack. The air just gets heavier.

Some nights, I still imagine that there’s light somewhere — just a faint glimmer slipping through the cracks, hinting at a life I could’ve had. I can see it sometimes, a soft golden sliver dancing across the floorboards like a cruel joke. I used to crawl toward it, bleeding fingers digging into the concrete, thinking maybe I could reach it. Now I just stare. The light’s still there. I’m just not moving anymore.

It’s strange — the body keeps going even after the spirit gives up. You still breathe, still eat, still say “I’m fine” when someone asks, but the truth is, you’re not really here. You exist the way smoke lingers after the fire dies — shapeless, scentless, slowly fading into nothing.

People like to say “there’s always a way out,” but I’ve been staring at the same four walls for years, and the only way out I see is the one I’m too tired to take. I think about what I could’ve been — what I should’ve been — and it’s like looking at a movie I once loved but can’t remember the ending to. Maybe it didn’t end. Maybe it just stopped.

If I’m honest, I’m scared. Not of dying, not of being forgotten — I think I made peace with that a long time ago. I’m scared that if I ever do find that light again, I won’t have the strength to reach for it. That even if the door opened, I’d just sit here, too used to the dark to step outside.

They say hope dies last. I think mine’s been dead for a while now. But still, some part of me — the tiniest, most pathetic part — keeps whispering, “Maybe tomorrow.”

STUPIDITY QUOTE 2

Thursday, January 11, 2024

“It’s like I’ve been walking through a minefield blindfolded, and the explosions are starting to catch up with me. The shrapnel of my own stupidity and selfishness raining down on my head.” – Daniel Ruczko, Pieces of a Broken Mind

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But I know that the past is a cruel history; I will not lie and say that I had good memoryes; But the sea of blood darker than ink; Makes me see that I had poor choices in times.

I will not denie him his blood anymore; I will not dinie his flesh anymore; I will not have him suffer because of friendly faces anymore; I will make smiles from pain; And good memoryes from clossing my wounds.

Ignorance is bliss…. So much makes sense in that statement today. I sometimes wish I was never in a 17 year relationship in which I came to realize that I was being lied to most of the time. But I also recognized that I was unable to see it was happening. So I found as much information on seeing the signs and making sense of the behavior I witnessed. Once I was able to see through the things…