Feb 3
I grow weary of doing the same things and eating the same things every week but I do not have enough care or motivation to change this.
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I grow weary of doing the same things and eating the same things every week but I do not have enough care or motivation to change this.
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In therapy, yesterday, I was explaining my struggles with eating to my therapist. Since my early teens, I've grown less and less interested in food and feeding-- just standard anhedonia and avolition-- to the point I'm underweight.
She was asking if it was because I felt bad about myself, if I disliked my body. And I get why, I am female and a young adult, the prime demographic for restrictive eating disorders.
But it lead into an interesting explanation. I do not have a high nor low self-esteem; I do not think badly of myself, nor do I think well of myself; to me, I just exist, without any morality or value attached.
When I look into the mirror, I do not see a face I identify as 'me'... I just see a face. It moves when I move, it feels when I touch, sure, I recognise fully that it belongs to me, that it is my body and flesh. I do not experience any delusions around not being real, about my reflection not being my own.
But it's just a body. It's just like looking at a photo of someone else, or seeing them in real life (as if I ever go out and see others).
I have great trouble with the simple idea of living things being, well, living. I have great trouble with flesh having thoughts and experiences behind it. I know I am alive, I know I am conscious. Inside my own head, indeed, I am, I am so very alive.
But there is an overwhelming disconnect with the world around me. Not only dissociation, though that's sure a part of it. I just fundamentally cannot connect with things around me, cannot experience it as tangible and there. So how would I be able to judge it 'good' or 'bad' when it isn't even 'is'?
I hate how a lot of people attribute avolition to not being able to brush your teeth as an extreme - I literally stop moving. The most I can do is either turn over or, after hours of needing to use the restroom, do that.
I don't eat unless it is literally brought to me and it is has to be easy food. I just lay around or sleep, and I can't do much other than that.
if it weren't for my meds, I wouldn't be able to communicate since I can't do that either when I get like that.
makes me feel so shitty and ashamed every time i have to explain to someone that i don't have a job and have never had one. i'm multiply disabled and can't work food service or retail because of that, but there aren't many other jobs near me that are hiring. i have severe problems with avolition and it makes it so much harder for me to even fill out applications no matter how much i know i need to. the worst part is that i've asked for help multiple times and always get told i'll get help with it later but later never comes, even if i remind them. i've been doing my very best but nothing makes sense and no one bothers to explain it to me. i'm so tired. i'm so fucking tired.
🔤 Schizoid Words: A Guide to Understanding Avolition...
Definition: Avolition refers to a lack of motivation or an inability to initiate and sustain goal-directed activities. In psychology, avolition is often associated with various psychiatric conditions, including schizophrenia, depression, and schizoid personality disorder.
The Schizoid Experience...
Avolition is a common feature observed in individuals with schizoid dynamics or schizoid personality disorder, contributing to their characteristic lack of drive and initiative in pursuing social and occupational goals. Schizoid individuals may struggle to find motivation or interest in engaging with others or participating in activities that others find rewarding or fulfilling. This lack of motivation may extend to both social interactions and work-related tasks, leading to a pattern of social withdrawal and underachievement. Avolition can further isolate individuals with schizoid personality disorder, as they may lack the drive to seek out social opportunities or engage in activities that could potentially lead to personal growth or fulfillment. This can manifest as:
- Lack of Motivation and Initiative: Individuals with schizoid dynamics may exhibit a lack of motivation or initiative in pursuing social and occupational goals, akin to avolition.
- Difficulty Initiating and Sustaining Activities: Schizoid individuals may struggle to initiate and sustain goal-directed activities, contributing to a pattern of social withdrawal and underachievement.
- Lack of Interest in Social Interactions: Avolition may manifest as a lack of interest or motivation in engaging with others or participating in social activities.
- Underachievement and Social Withdrawal: The lack of motivation and initiative associated with avolition can lead to underachievement and social withdrawal in individuals with schizoid personality disorder.
- Isolation and Lack of Personal Growth: Avolition can further isolate individuals, as they may lack the drive to seek out social opportunities or engage in activities that could lead to personal growth or fulfillment.
Schizoid Education Videos: [Schizoid Education Videos](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLT-MPQylKhRo94px2IjtY8mS6UBrnnL9-)
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Avolition ftw
A psychologist explained it's often "mislabelled as laziness".
Questioning szpd culture is thinking "I can't have the disorder because I'm not in distress, I'm just a solitary person" only to get punched with that anhedonia/alexithymia/avolition chronic boredom combo and suddenly realize, oh, right, my self-isolating behaviour and inability to regulate my emotions DOES actually cause distress.
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