fuck therapy i wanna beat the shit out of someone
Claire Keane

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fuck therapy i wanna beat the shit out of someone

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I enjoyed my pain because it made me less than ever. I was nothing but living nerves, a petri dish of matter. I had no characteristics outside of it.
Megan Nolan, Acts of Desperation
even outside of being schizoid i think itâs unsettling how some people feel entitled to your body, your time, your space, and your attention, and then get offended when you donât want to be touched or simply want privacy. i can politely say i donât want a hug and people react like iâve said something cruel or offensive. iâve had exes go through my phone without permission and then act shocked when iâm upset about my privacy being violated. in relationships, people expect you to give up parts of your autonomy just to keep them comfortable.
I need a lot of space, and privacy, about everything. Even the smallest detail or thought is terrifying to share. Because when it is shared, it is changed, no longer in my control, and the other person's reaction has colored it. It is no longer safe. Thinking of that thing now also makes me think of another person, which is stressful. Nobody belongs in my head but me.
So, if someone gets into my space, physically or mentally, it's not safe anymore. I get rid of things, change surroundings, and do my best to shut the entire world out until the inside of my head is my own again.
Personal devices like a phone or PC are an extension of this. Even my passwords to them (12-character, alphanumeric, by the way) are of great personal significance to me. If someone found out what code I put in to access something every day, I'd be compelled to chane it; security aside, they've now tainted a daily part of my life.
If someone went through one of my devices, I would explode. I didn't consent to that information being learned, however trivial it was. Nothing short of radical brain surgery to remove that person's memory centers (or painting them over the walls) would make me feel better.
Hiding something? No. All you'll find are photos of birds, railroad tracks, and weird sci-fi writing. Maybe the occasional shitpost image that I sent to a friend. But those abstract stills mean something very important to me and you are not allowed to touch them.
And yet, people treat us like we're crazy for not wanting to be put under extreme mental duress and having to permanently excise pieces of yourself in order to feel safe. Makes me wonder if the lack of desire for intimate relationships is pathological or a natural consequence.
I wonder about the incidence of self-harming behaviors in schizoids. Because it's already a stigmatized topic that people with common and "acceptable" mental illness rarely speak of, but with the nature of schizoidality, obviously there's no information out there.
For the stereotypical perception of self-harm-- suicidal, self-loathing, a punishment, done while crying in the bathroom-- it makes no sense that a schizoid would do it (unless other factors were at play), as suicidality is not really related to the condition, neither is low self-esteem or self-hatred.
But it seems a lot of atypical reasons for self-harming are fitting with schizoid traits, too.
Expression of mental suffering through physical injury; it is very difficult, as a schizoid, to both experience feeling, understand the feeling, and express it. Many experiences are intangible and have no words available one could use that would make someone else understand. This is distressing. In this distress, it may seem desirable to have short-term relief in representing it on one's body with injury.
Dopamine-seeking behaviors; this might overlap with the fact that I have several prominent traits of antisocial personality disorder, or was violently abused at a young age, but often things feel like they're "not enough", not extreme enough, not exciting enough, not dangerous enough. Medically extreme forms of self-harm (i.e. causing serious, life-threatening damage) could, at times, seem like an option to counteract the feeling of numbness.
Having something to take care of; with dissociation from one's own body, it can be difficult to eat, shower, or sleep enough. For me it can feel nebulous as to what my body wants outside of a general need for something. Having an injury to focus on as it heals may feel like a more clear path to take in taking care of one's body.
Self-differentiation; anyone with prominent scarring or any visual abnormalities does know how differently you'll be treated for these things you cannot change. Conversely, schizoids are treated differently for behaviors, affects, needs, and thought processes we may not be able to change; one cannot un-make a schizoid. So it may feel like a way to visually represent one's distance to others, or even keep them at a distance by appearing obviously unwell in a way most people do not know how to approach.
Secrecy and choice; this is the big one for me. This is why I started self-harming as a child. It was something secret I could hide on my body. I was suffocated by the world around me and had no privacy even with my own thoughts. My body was visibly altered by others through physical violence and I felt like it was not my own. Causing injuries to myself, that I chose, instead of someone else inflicting them, made me have a sense of control; effectively hiding them and 'flying under the radar' made me have a sense of privacy, something that was all to myself, a ritual I did that none were aware of but me.
I don't know... this is just a thought. I hope maybe there's someone who can find relatability or understanding in this.
And, understanding why you do a harmful behavior is the first step to changing it. It is a maldaptive coping mechanism; something that hurts you, but it helps enough that you keep doing it despite the detrimental effects, so clearly there's a need it's fulfilling. If you can fulfill the need other ways, the harmful behavior can be eliminated.
For example, expressing oneself through more abstract forms like writing about characters instead of the self; finding safe ways to seek thrills, or simulate them; gaining the freedom to have one's own space where there is plenty of privacy and one may choose to do anything they wish.
Man, I'm such a fucking mess. I'm used to living with people who either have less medical experience than me, don't give a shit about my health, or both. But right now, I'm living with a career paramedic who cares about me as a person for some reason, and I just feel like I'm cut open raw. I'm really good at hiding when I'm unwell and for the majority of my life that was the most self-preserving thing to do; my introduction to first aid was not in school (though that would come later), it was cleaning, closing, and bandaging my own wounds in secret because it was a very bad idea to let someone else know I was hurt (and I did get hurt often). But, like, yesterday I did a dumbass thing and accidentally gave myself heat exhaustion, and I tried my best to ignore it but it felt like my head was exploding, and of course he noticed, and he didn't even get mad at me for being an idiot, he even made me take painkillers and talked about mental health and shit since I always wear long sleeves due to being covered in scars (contributing to heat illness). And, like, yeah, objectively that's a lot better than what I'm used to, even just from a physical health standpoint it's better for recovery from environmental injury to rest and drink water instead of getting beaten, but like, it's so fucking confusing. Cause for forever, that's just what happened, that was the consequence. I've never lived a life where other people seeing weakness or trying to help was a good thing. It's like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop and I'm so on edge now I jump up like a startled animal at the slightest noise. My hands are shaking all the time. Fuck. This schizoid shit is really affecting my ability to be a normal human being.

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It's counterintuitive but the thing that has made me live best as a schizoid is a balls to the wall insane life in the fast lane. If I worry too much about being "safe" it discourages me from doing stuff I enjoy and find meaning/fulfillment in. Yeah it would be safer to have a 9-5 office job but I'd die of boredom. Yeah it would be safer to have hobbies that didn't involve high speeds and excessive g-forces and explosives and firearms but I'd die of boredom. And after being thrown flying through the air with nothing but a helmet and leathers on, talking to people is a bit less scary in comparison, you know? (Plus, there's a culture among service members of not talking about your feelings or issues--of which there are plenty-- which sure ain't healthy, but at least nobody pressures me to share that stuff)
In fact sometimes I avoid stress (ex. engulfment) so well that I start to doubt I'm even schizoid at all, because my 'symptoms'/traits are so beneficial to me and others.
But then stuff happens, like something incidental just happened to remind me of not-so-pleasant past events, and for a few days now I've had to daydream 2+ hours (straight) each day just to feel, I don't know, okay interacting with the world. (2 whole hours?! Jeez.)
Like when I get stressed I have to fight the urge to start daydreaming. It can be a real struggle to stay present. Retreating into that very controlled place feels a lot safer than what's out there sometimes.
Which sucks, because there's a lot of very cool stuff out there that I also want to do and get involved in. It's a lot of fun for me to go out into the world and have lots of new exciting experiences; that's the #1 thing that keeps me from getting anhedonic.
But yeah, I suppose I'm at my best when the inside of my head feels safe, and I'm confident I'll get through anything that happens, so I'm willing and excited to do a lot of stuff that'd otherwise be wildly unsafe. Like rapelling off cliffs, or getting shot at, or meeting new people.
The best way (for me) to avoid engulfment is to excel at everything, to be charismatic, to get along with everyone.
Especially being more knowledgeable and experienced than others, and in a teaching/mentor role to them.
It naturally creates emotional distance. People leave you alone because they don't want to "bother" you, because you're "important" and "busy", unless you choose to bestow attention upon them-- which is then highly valued and appreciated.
Not to mention, if you help those around you, and encourage them, are kind to them, go the extra mile for them, they're not going to comment on or even notice your more odd mannerisms.
(Like never talking about yourself, or never getting emotional. Because of course a super cool mentor has control of their feelings, and what you share is expected to be objective fact instead of personal anecdote.)
So you're seen as desirable, likeable, and you really can help people and nurture them and be a "good" person, meanwhile getting to dodge all the engulfment, without anyone being the wiser.
I prepare a whole staged performance every time I talk to anyone about anything even mildly important to me. We can't handle being misunderstood when it matters, it won't leave our mind for weeks. Why is being misunderstood so awful?
On a positive note, the staged performances work really well. Drastucally decreased risk of being misunderstood.
This is also something I deal with frequently. I don't really know why. I think it has to do with the pre-existing disconnect between ourselves and everyone else. It's unsafe to "let them in" even in expressing emotion or basic sentiments. And it's hard enough as is to understand what we (schizoids) are feeling, harder still to express it. So when there's all that effort, the vulnerability of trying, and it doesn't work, it's just awful.
Whenever I try and share something and it's treated as unimportant, or misinterpreted, I just feel my whole mind shut down and all I want is to get as far away from that person/people as possible, and to forget about the entire thing. Whatever I shared feels like it's "ruined" now because I allowed it to leave the safe space of my mind and now it's been tainted by someone else's filth; it's not safe anymore, it needs to be quarantined and jettisoned. It hurts to even think about. Like an infection at the roots. Everything needs to be pulled up, cleaned out again, and then the inside of my head is "safe" again.
Makes it hard to share my writing, especially, since I hold those concepts, scenes, characters so dearly to my heart. They are a product of the inside of my mind. Having something I wrote be unappreciated, or worse, misinterpreted, is agony. I don't think there's anything worse for me.
am i even mentally ill or am i just living in some kind of infinite torture chamber that would make anyone like this
Mental illness tends to be less of an actual disease and more of a reaction and/or adaptation to living in some kind of infinite torture chamber so yes both

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"what do you like" uhhh hm that's a good question.
i have such a problem with "have to". i don't fucking "have to" anything ever. in social scenarios, "have to" is just a more adult way of saying "nuh-uh". "You have to come for christmas" no i don't, tf. "You have to have understanding for others" no i don't. what? they won't like me if i don't? ok so? i already don't like them. "You have to let them do this" says who, i say no. and in other scenarios, it's usually not even true, it's just something people say to make you do what they think is right because it makes them uncomfortable if you don't. "You have to eat before the trip", "You have to sleep more", "You have to go on vacation sometimes" i don't have to do shit. even in extreme scenarios, there is always an alternative. sure, if i don't show up to work, i might get fired. see, there is still an alternative. i can choose my preference, but i don't simply "have to". i'm in control here. even if i could die if i don't do something. i can also die, ok.
people are trying to talk about schizoid personality disorder again as if itâs not real, or just being really introverted, or perhaps the worst offense calling it Autism Two, so letâs do some quick critical thinking.
if you believe this disorder either is not real or you donât believe it should be a disorder, what is your stance on the current âclassificationâ of friendship called low-maintenance friendships? how do you react to someone who does not speak to you for months, or who requires a lot of time away from you, or who generally can come off as holding you at an armâs length? do you judge these people as being shallow, scared of commitment, unable to understand what âtrueâ friendship is, or otherwise hold some damning opinion of them to paint them as âevilâ or simply uncaring? if you believe thereâs something âwrongâ with these people, by societyâs standards, you would be correct. that is what a disorder is.
if you think you may be a schizoid because you are introverted and donât like being around people and just donât care about anything around you, ask yourself â do i feel this way because iâm depressed? being depressed isnât any lesser than any other problem out there. if being invited out with your friends makes you feel loved, or on the inverse, not being invited out makes you feel ignored, this is not how a schizoid feels (more often than not). szpd is not the introvert disorder. think of it more as a condition in which the social aspect of the social species we are is lacking (a very broad concept and itâs not exactly what szpd is, but iâm describing it as such for the sake of simplicity and also because this post is not meant to be a deep-dive). many believe schizoids tend to be misanthropic, and while there are plenty out there that take such a stance, many schizoids are indifferent on or even like the concept of humanity. itâs the desire to be detached from these concepts that make the disorder a disorder. donât conflate these many different things with what szpd actually is. it wouldnât exist otherwise.
in that same vein, autism and szpd share many traits, but to say the demonized symptoms that are required for a szpd diagnosis as a brand of autism is frustrating. schizoids, often as they may feel alienated from people, donât often see it as an issue. because who cares if we donât fit in? please do not forget autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder while schizoid is a personality disorder. while i understand most are only joking about the conflation, szpd is already extremely misunderstood not just among regular people (should they come to learn of its existence) but by medical professionals as well. to act as if theyâre more similar than they actually are can be more damaging than some people may think.
Would you be upset if your friend told you they don't actually feel all that close to you, don't particularly care about you, and would not miss you if you were gone?
Do you dislike it when people refuse to open up to you, dodge personal questions, rarely make time for you, no-show and cancel plans with no notice?
Would you be hurt and confused if a friend stared at you indifferent as you recounted the worst moment of your life? If they didn't cry at your funeral, your child's funeral, if you dying didn't even make them sad?
Do you find issue with cold affects, monotone voices, bored looks, shy, withdrawn, callous, unemotional, unengaged people?
Is it frustrating when someone is hot-and-cold, seeming to warm up before suddenly pushing you away? When someone "needs some space", "needs time alone", "needs a break"?
Would it be uncomfortable to learn someone's constant avoidance, deflection, and callousness with you was not due to a misunderstanding or lack of social skills, but a deliberate attempt to be alone? To learn your presence feels suffocating to them just by existence alone?
Do you think all people should have a partner or partner(s) or otherwise live in committed relationships with one or more people? Would it weird you out to know someone is living completely alone and happy that way, with no plans to change?
Congratulations! You see Schizoid Personality Disorder not as introversion or autism, but a disorder.
people are trying to talk about schizoid personality disorder again as if itâs not real, or just being really introverted, or perhaps the worst offense calling it Autism Two, so letâs do some quick critical thinking.
if you believe this disorder either is not real or you donât believe it should be a disorder, what is your stance on the current âclassificationâ of friendship called low-maintenance friendships? how do you react to someone who does not speak to you for months, or who requires a lot of time away from you, or who generally can come off as holding you at an armâs length? do you judge these people as being shallow, scared of commitment, unable to understand what âtrueâ friendship is, or otherwise hold some damning opinion of them to paint them as âevilâ or simply uncaring? if you believe thereâs something âwrongâ with these people, by societyâs standards, you would be correct. that is what a disorder is.
if you think you may be a schizoid because you are introverted and donât like being around people and just donât care about anything around you, ask yourself â do i feel this way because iâm depressed? being depressed isnât any lesser than any other problem out there. if being invited out with your friends makes you feel loved, or on the inverse, not being invited out makes you feel ignored, this is not how a schizoid feels (more often than not). szpd is not the introvert disorder. think of it more as a condition in which the social aspect of the social species we are is lacking (a very broad concept and itâs not exactly what szpd is, but iâm describing it as such for the sake of simplicity and also because this post is not meant to be a deep-dive). many believe schizoids tend to be misanthropic, and while there are plenty out there that take such a stance, many schizoids are indifferent on or even like the concept of humanity. itâs the desire to be detached from these concepts that make the disorder a disorder. donât conflate these many different things with what szpd actually is. it wouldnât exist otherwise.
in that same vein, autism and szpd share many traits, but to say the demonized symptoms that are required for a szpd diagnosis as a brand of autism is frustrating. schizoids, often as they may feel alienated from people, donât often see it as an issue. because who cares if we donât fit in? please do not forget autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder while schizoid is a personality disorder. while i understand most are only joking about the conflation, szpd is already extremely misunderstood not just among regular people (should they come to learn of its existence) but by medical professionals as well. to act as if theyâre more similar than they actually are can be more damaging than some people may think.
I hate my flesh. I am athletic and fit and objectively attractive, I have good health, I function. But I despise the organic quality of my own body.
Every day I need to go through the ordeal of eating. I don't have an appetite, I'm not hungry, but I live a very active lifestyle so I try to force and keep things down, mentating it as fuel or battery charge.
Sometimes I get sick with a cold or flu, despite vaccines and hygiene. I am resigned to constant, annoying reminders of my human flesh as I cough or shiver for days, with nothing to do about it but take medicine and wait.
Injuries. Bruises, cuts, broken bones, strained muscles. Rest and wait. Light exercise. But I can't excise the mechanical part that broke and replace it with a new one from the factory.
A strange, hollow feeling, a thought here and there that lingers after people touch me on the arm or shoulder or back. You'd think that, after about 11 years of touch-depravity, the body would have adjusted to no longer care for any contact. But it's human flesh, cells, neurons, hormones, so it still wants, autonomously and in opposition to the distance the brain requires.
It's not fair that an inhuman mind would have to reside in such an organic vessel. Two sets of needs that contradict one another. A cyborg of half human, half robot, fighting itself.

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One of my coworkers found out about my self-harming habits after I let him use my scar-covered arm for IM practice (we are EMTs) and got very concerned about me, to the point he was visibly distressed while confronting me about it. My nonchalance and lack of emotional reaction did not help-- they're just scars, no big deal. I might have made him cry? He took my cold affect as rejection, so he tries to give me space, but we work together, in emergency settings, so it's not possible, and as the distance cracks he gets weirdly protective over me.
I should hate it and I kind of do. I don't want any closeness with him. I despise being seen as weak or fragile. It was a calculated move to let him see scarring and I calculated wrong.
At the same time, I can't stop thinking about him, and overthinking about him. The other day we were running drills and I canât stop thinking of how it felt to have him search me for injuries. It's been a long time since someone did anything but hit me and his hands were warm and firm.
Some nights I fall asleep thinking of him. Why? I don't even know. I hate it. Nobody should occupy my thoughts, they should be mine alone.
Not a fan of giving people access to me