#asujay

Please. @malbfaery screams repressed virgin to me, and there’s no way @jaynassar would be in a sexless relationship. I’m sure he’d be more than happy to help her with that sexual frustration, though. If all of a sudden she’s less of a bitch, you can bet it’s because she starts knocking on his door in the middle of the night. 

Um...

@ben-desrosiers. Sure, he’s cute, I guess, but mostly I know he’s really respectful and sweet, so I’m sure he’d be, you know, gentle or whatever, and he’d never make fun of the fact that I haven’t done it before. He’d also never say anything embarrassing about it afterwards or anything like that, and those are ‘bangable’ qualities to me, or whatever.

@jaynassar. Because he’s my oldest friend, so he’s probably seen me do things way more embarrassing than this. And as he loves to remind everyone, he’s not ugly. Also, if he was annoying about it after, it would be a free pass to punch him in the face. So all of those qualities pass the bangable test, I guess.

@felixstabby? He wasn’t really tough enough to keep up with me back on the Isle but I’ve always thought he was more interesting than his sappier friends, and he obviously knows what he’s doing. That’s... good, I guess?

I didn’t choose any girls for the three and that seems like a mistake, so... @vitani-okoro and/or @audreysrose. I will not be answering questions about either of those choices at this time or ever between now and the day I die, bye! 

send me three names + a number…

Again, I hate doing these sorts of things, because I don’t want to damage anyone’s self esteem! But I don’t think I could damage Jay’s if I tried, and hopefully Doug and Carlos both know how much I adore them, so...

Sleep with: @jaynassar? I don’t actively have any desire to, but I know he’s quite experienced and would probably know how to make someone very nervous feel at ease. 

Marry: @carlos--devil! Not to be strange or creepy or anything, but he’s so sweet and I know he’ll be the most amazing husband for someone someday! Also, wouldn’t the two of us and Dude be such a cute little family? Or... you know, Dude and Carlos and anyone he deems worthy of being the third member of their household! It doesn’t have to be me!

KISS, because I could never kill anyone: @dougdeppert. For a long time I hoped he would be my first kiss anyway, so it seems fair to create this new only-slightly-awkward category for him!

Cris: Classes just started and I literally already feel like I'm confined in homework hell right now.

@ben-desrosiers: I don’t really care as long as it’s not that @audreysrose chick. She gives off major ‘I think I’m too good for the VKs’ vibes and the kingdom doesn’t need to go backwards by having that in charge. Maybe he could marry @dizzybydesignx or @hailstormvale instead, since they’re the best people I know and would make way cooler queens. 

@levlumos: I don’t... know why... you think I have an opinion... But I don’t know, you guys are obsessed with @claudine--frollo, stick this guy with her instead.

@jeremypotts: Who?

@chandler-cogsworth: Does he ever talk about anything except for @eveningstardubois? I wouldn’t want to doom any other girl to hearing about that all the time, that’s for sure.

Gil: He’s got a weird bro-crush on @jaynassar. Maybe it’s a real crush and they should just get it on already? 

@gastonthejr: Don’t make me say it. I don’t wanna have to say it where @izzyslade can give me shit for it later.

@gastonlegume3: No comment, I keep my shit to myself. 

Me: @gastonthejr, fucking duh.

@tobiasslade: He’s so far up @hookedonharriet‘s asshole there’s no way he could make it work with anyone else. 

@ririhiss: I don’t know, it seems like fun irony or something to have her end up with a Sherwood kid. Maybe @marykatehood or @jojohood, they’re the only ones I could see being a pirate.

@janekensingtons: I don’t care what happens to that weird looking bitch. She can end up with another weird looking bitch like @aimeeblake or something.

@racheladale: Ugh, human sunshine. I can’t even deal with how energetic she is, but @casperlockex seems to be able to deal with her and he’s one of the few AKs who I don’t hate, so... have at her, buddy.

@fredcilier: The Isle’s softest bitch, just who I wanted to talk about today. Can she just lick @anthonytremaines abs for the rest of time so she’s too busy to be running her mouth in other ways?

@jojohood: Ugh, I just talked about her. Fine, fuck her sister, she definitively gets @ririhiss.

@vitani-okoro: I’ve got no fucking clue what V’s looking for, maybe some guy to be a tourney power couple with? @jaynassar or @felixstabby, Isle kids only for someone as cool as her.

@ariliki: Uh... Why do you think I pay attention to these people? Just because I’m on teams with them? I don’t fuck with them and they don’t fuck with me! @ariliki‘s about as irrelevant to me as like... @dougdeppert, so there, match made in boring irrelevant heaven. 

Not gonna lie, if Jay ever wanted to give old Malsy the slip, I wouldn’t say no to having him around. Usually I’m not into deserters, but when that’s who you’re deserting, I think you get a free pass.

Some other decent future pirates include: 

@sailormoonhawkins

@marykatehood

@li-lonnie

@andreatriton

@janekensingtons

@orthbrt

@maisy-macguffin

@katie-kluck

@jessgibbs