#asugossip

Please. @malbfaery screams repressed virgin to me, and there’s no way @jaynassar would be in a sexless relationship. I’m sure he’d be more than happy to help her with that sexual frustration, though. If all of a sudden she’s less of a bitch, you can bet it’s because she starts knocking on his door in the middle of the night. 

Hadn’t heard that, but I did hear that @leanderambrosius uses spells during sex. Maybe that’s what has everyone hitting him up when it’s late at night and they’re lonely -- honestly? Even I’m a little tempted.

“Oh, gosh, who me? Flirting with him constantly? Begging for his attention? Hehe, I don’t know what you’re talking about, oh my gosh, @kyohamada, why are they saying this stuff about us? I’m so confused!” - @crisdubois, probably. 

Congrats, this is one of the least stupid theories you’ve ever sent us. Anyone ever taken a creative writing class with @claudine--frollo? Or read her journal? Do some more digging, we want some hard evidence next time.

Because that’s not the most obvious thing in the world. No, I think @karmeninka put @aimeeblake up to it. You know, test her future husband’s willpower, see if he can resist temptation. If he can survive living with his big-boobed bestie for a year, I’m sure he’ll be faithful until his dying day.

Really? We think the thirstiest girl in Auradon would fixate that hard on a taken guy? Laughable. I wouldn’t be shocked if someone tried to break up @icemasterbents and @prncsscndi, but I think it’s way more likely to be @cooper-ford or @sydneyandersen than @jessgibbs.

@marley-yao is desperate, so she’d be ready to insta-marry the first guy who throws her a bone. If anyone is stupid enough to be her Valentine, they’ll be stuck with her for months. Maybe @jeremypotts or @marcoalandale? They seem to be falling for her ‘oh gosh you think I’m cute?’ crap.

Is it just me, or does @sydneyandersen and @deeturkey happening give anyone else the feeling that @dumturtle and @quincydavis are going to get back together just so they don’t feel left out?

@stargirlvasilovich looks poised and ready to get some. Whether it’s from @neilbubbles being obsessed with her for being named after a star, or @nickelforrester being obsessed with her being an actual star, who knows?

@cashforrester and @margovasilovich? What the fuck is that? I saw them planning their first date though, and if I were her, I’d hold onto that forever.

@ellecharming and @rtpendragon. He’ll let her fuck his brains out like she wants, and then he’ll feel obligated to instantly propose because he’s just that special brand of boring and predictable.

@lilyofthegoth and @liamdvbois. I thought they’d been a couple already for like the past year, but based on their obnoxious faux-oblivious posts about each other, it seems like they’re waiting for the right moment to make it official. My guess is that’s going to be Valentine’s Day, and they can live snoringly ever after.

I’d say @fisaac and @cassieadale but... His little sister’s a huge cockblock and gloms onto him at every major holiday, so better luck next time? 

Am I the only one who heard that @casperlockex was actually asking about flowers? Last I checked he was into one of those Sherwood girls but I can’t remember which, so... him and @jojohood or @katie-kluck or @racheladale or whatever.

@dev-sinclair and @sweethilde. No prince is every going to fall for you, sweetie, just settle for an Isle hottie before they’re all snapped up and you’re a lonely old hag. 

Oh, now this is fun. Auradon’s been seriously off of their dating game this year, let’s see if we can get them to wake the fuck up and entertain us through the power of suggestion:

@emmettvardaros and @n-atua. If you’re going to be boring and off the market just fuck each other instead of your girlfriends. 

@emery-gothel and @madlymyrcella. Forget Dopey Oakley and just go for each other.  

@cashforrester and @diamcndskylucy. Because there’s got to be a reason she follows her cousin around so much, and it’s probably because she wants to bone one of @aliciatriton‘s friends.

@jessgibbs and @marcoalandale. Now THAT would be fun to watch. 

@katie-kluck and @sweethilde. Why not, am I right?