SENSE OF RUMOR

Please. @malbfaery screams repressed virgin to me, and there’s no way @jaynassar would be in a sexless relationship. I’m sure he’d be more than happy to help her with that sexual frustration, though. If all of a sudden she’s less of a bitch, you can bet it’s because she starts knocking on his door in the middle of the night. 

Is this better, or worse, than the fact that I was convinced they were all fucking robots in their spare time? Because like, at least animals are alive...

How boring. Is that not literally the same vagina just on different people? Why bother swapping at all?

Maybe @mayariverax? Seems to be one of the few people around here she isn’t about to knife at all times, and also a musical partner she hasn’t worked with yet. Maybe @thediegodevil will give her a pass for stepping out on him, since the two of them together seem like any musical guy’s wet dream. Or maybe he won’t. Guess we’ll find out when their future concerts get cancelled and we’re all left with nothing to do that night.

@audreysrose probably hasn’t noticed, since she still seems to be in denial that VKs are even here... But she’s lived in La La Land thinking that five years is a normal break time for this long, I’m sure she can stay completely clueless for a few more decades.

There are so many things wrong with this I don’t even know where to start, but I’ll start here: Really? All the dwarves Snow White could have had an affair with and you’re going with that one? Also, a secret mom is way harder to hide than a secret dad; @dougdeppert fully has an older brother so unless Snow White popped out two secret babies, multiple people have fucked Dopey... and the Royal Kids love people they can boss around, see: @janetobin. Do I really need to keep going or do you feel as stupid as you sound yet?

High school marriages don’t last anymore; have fun hating each other in about five years, @berniewijanto and @bianca-ellis.

Um, excuse you??? I thought this was just the world’s most pathetic instance of backsliding, and that @annefitzherbert hated herself so much she went back to a boy who was stepping out on her because no one else would have her and he’d finished sleeping with everyone who was willing. If @chad--charming is willing to pay someone to date him then where’s my money at, though? Hit me up, I’m very interested.

Well, @hadieathanasius‘s clearly got a blonde kink, so if you’re really hunting for illegitimate demi-demi gods, check if any of them mysteriously disappeared for nine months first thing. 

Apparently spit’s fantastic for hair then, because hers always looks great. Keep doing your weird shit, @gastonthejr and @izzyslade. Apparently it’s working for you.

And we care about some freshman’s ear kink why? Anyone would use a fake name on Etsy if that’s all they were a royal freak, @scooterpendragon isn’t special.

The smiley faces I’d believe, but I doubt @emery-gothel even knows what a penis is. If she’s drawing something like that, she probably thinks it’s actually a mushroom.

Hadn’t heard that, but I did hear that @leanderambrosius uses spells during sex. Maybe that’s what has everyone hitting him up when it’s late at night and they’re lonely -- honestly? Even I’m a little tempted.

Think that’s just called finally losing your baby fat? Girls either go to college and gain 15 pounds  from the endless buffet, or lose it because they discovered eating disorders, there’s no in between. Looks like @aliciatriton fell into the latter category...

This would be literally the least surprising thing ever. I’d love for them to actually not be boring and predictable; like, if you told me it was @lilyofthegoth and @fredcilier hooking up instead? Now that would have my jaw on the floor.

Congrats, this is one of the least stupid theories you’ve ever sent us. Anyone ever taken a creative writing class with @claudine--frollo? Or read her journal? Do some more digging, we want some hard evidence next time.

“Oh, gosh, who me? Flirting with him constantly? Begging for his attention? Hehe, I don’t know what you’re talking about, oh my gosh, @kyohamada, why are they saying this stuff about us? I’m so confused!” - @crisdubois, probably.