#aspriringwriter

Can you feel the pain radiating off my flawed skin? Dripping from the tips of my broken finger nails? Reflected in my sensitive and slightly crooked smile? Swimming in the depths of my eyes? It seeps through every minuscule pore casing my body. I spend every minute, every second, fabricating joy into my personality. A smile plastered onto my face. My constellation of freckles contorting to align with this counterfeit bliss. It does not surprise me that you have not noticed the falsity of my carefully constructed deceit. The truth lies in the deepest corners of my mind. Suppressed to the point that even I do not recognize it.

I have learned though that this is dangerous to my mind, body, and soul. They fight relentlessly for me to face what circumstances I have lived through. One day, they will win, and the longer I run from it, the harder it will hit me. I am attempting to change my future by accepting my past. Reliving the memories is torture, but I need to get through them all to manifest the strongest me I can be.

I am just like you, and you are just like me. In the sense that everyone locks up certain parts of their past that damaged them. Your history may have damaged you, but the fact that you are still here tells me that it strengthened you more then it damaged you. The pain of your past does not define you, but it creates you. Well, how you respond creates you. You can shove it to the lowest part of your abdomen and still end up throwing it up. Avoiding it makes you sick. My advice to you is to let the pain come. Feel the pain. Let it pierce your heart and deflate it. Once you have felt the effects in full, you can release it. Name your pain. Confront your pain. It needs to be etched into your memory. It needs to be accessed when desired and dismissed when unwanted. I know this is hard, but you cannot let your pain name you. That gives the past power over the present. Trapping you in the state of mind you were in when you weathered the storm.

Just like you cannot see my pain, I cannot see yours. Unless we disperse the memories with the ones we love, or the ones that would be benefited by our stories. Your pain can be used as a survival  guide in someones story. I can pass you on the street and not see your hidden pain unless you decide to let me see the vulnerability of your mind. Letting the past settle in the dusty files of your mind does you no good. This means you are ignoring its presence, thus ignoring what it has done to shape you.

Neither should you let your past consume who you are right now. The consistent and intrusive memories is another way of your mind and soul telling you that you have not dealt with it enough. It's telling you that you have not learned what was meant to be taught from your trauma. I adore you. I do not want to witness your past destroy the beautiful soul you have or your gleaming future. Accept the past, use it as a map of how you want to walk the rest of your life. You are not a victim of circumstances. You are a survivor.

So I definitely didn’t think that my “I Do” would turn into an “I don’t wanna do this anymore.” But it did. Let me take you back to when it was all good. I had it all. The career...Go Army, Beat Navy!, the handsome boyfriend, no kids and lots of places to go in Texas. The question was asked and after 6 months of dating..you know what happened, I was somebody’s wife. Yep....somebody’s freaking wife!!!

So where do we go from here. Oh that’s right, the honeymoon phase. It was great. We laughed, we kissed, we made sure we kept dating. Pure perfection, we had become one. But what happens, when you become one without understanding fully who you are? You lose yourself. You lose your individuality. You begin to rely so much on that person that you forget how to be YOU because you have become ONE.

Now don’t get me wrong, becoming one with your spouse is a great thing, when you know who you are. I had no clue to LaToria Michelle was. I was still finding myself but yet I had said “I Do” to become a part of something bigger than me.

Stopping right here to reflect on making decisions based off that initial feeling. In the moment, it felt good, it felt right. It was the best thing that happened to Tori, the 25 year old Tori. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life but in that moment I knew it was him. So I based my decision of getting married so quickly because it felt good right then.

Take your time when making any type of decision that will impact your future. These decisions cannot be made lightly. Yes we will all make mistakes but just make sure that you think logically. Take some time, your decision that you said “I Do” to today may be your “I Don’t” tomorrow.

Talk to you guys tomorrow....We will definitely continue this conversation!

Be Blessed and Love Yourself <3

So it has been a while since I have written anything (SORRY BUT I AM BACK!!!) and a lot has happened. But one thing that I have learned about while on my mini hiatus was the value of friendship. 

Now I would like to think that I have always been the perfect friend....I mean wouldn’t we all? BUT, I haven’t been. I have burned bridges, talked about you, been talked about, spilled tea and tested loyalty...and I was the only one who lost in the end. I found myself trying to be everybody’s friend and pleasing everyone, even when they didn’t mean me any good. I still wanted to make everyone happy. Even if that meant, losing myself, losing trust and ultimately ruining relationships.

I think that everyone goes through a point when they are trying to find themselves where they push people away, gain people who aren’t needed and just are in a whirlwind of friendship mess. To me, this is something that is necessary. This is growth. I was loyal to people who weren’t loyal to me, talked about for being too nice, thrown by the wayside when I said no. It was all due to the fact that I didn’t know what I valued in a friend because I didn’t know what I valued in me.

Now at 33, I realize that I don’t need a huge circle of friends. I don’t need to make everyone smile. I don’t need to please everyone but I do need to value my time and peace. A friendship is a two way street. If one is always giving and the other is always taking....RUN!! This can turn into something very toxic. Now there will be times where one needs more than the other, I get it. It’s called life. But when the scales start to tip and you begin to feel drained....RUN! This is not good for you at all. TRUST ME, I would not tell you about anything that I haven’t been through myself. 

The best thing that I have learned and continue to practice is to check in with your friends from time to time. Make sure that you are being a good friend and that you are receiving what you are giving. It’s always good to just have mini evaluations, its all about growth and self love!! Love yourself so that you can be the best version of you!!

Be Blessed & Love Yourself,

Now where was I...Oh yea, realizing that I had lost who I thought I was. Now, as I stated before, we were definitely trying our best to rekindle the fire that had dimmed after 3-4 years. But what was revealed to me today was- Just because it’s your plan, doesn’t mean it’s God’s plan and if it isn’t HIS plan then it will surely fail! Something that I will NOW tell myself every single day. Anyway, the fire had been rekindled but it was a temporary solution. You know what I mean, like applying pressure until you can find a band-aid? Yea, that’s exactly what it was.

So we were walking on eggshells. Tiptoeing around the “D” word. It was almost like we both knew it was coming but neither one of us wanted to say it. We both came from single parent homes, vowed that we would never raise our children this way, so if the “D” word came into play, are we failing? Are we just like every generation before us? These are the questions that kept two people in a situation that shouldn’t have been. We were literally co-parenting roommates.

Let’s take a look at that. We could have and should have called it quits, when we first realized but as many married couples do... you stay married for the sake of...children?...finances?...appearance? But you never stop to think, what is this actually doing to my mental health? What is this doing to my children? To the people around me? We often think we are the only ones impacted- if we divorce but SOOOOO many people are impacted when you stay together and are not meant to be.

I realized that when the “D” word was actually said and the papers were filed, I had to be selfish in a certain aspect. I had to protect myself which would ultimately protect my children. Do not be afraid to walk away for yourself. This is for any situation that is draining and disturbing your peace. If you value anything, VALUE YOU!! Did I know what I was walking into? HELL NO! But I did know that I was walking away from a place where I could no longer be. So I did it. I ended my marriage, ended the confusion, ended the hurt and anger and walked into my new life. “Hello, single parenthood, my name is LaToria Michelle, pleased to meet you.”

Be Blessed and Love Yourself <3

Finding yourself is not something that happens overnight and because of the constant changes in society that you will never be able to fully find yourself. I think that you will be able to find core pieces of what makes you...YOU but never fully find yourself because you change...you evolve...ultimately YOU GROW! I know a lot of people may disagree and that is perfectly fine but let me explain why I feel this way.

Everyone says- “Oh I know who I am, I know what I like and don’t like.” or “No new friends.” That one always takes me out. But if you think about it, the things that you liked in 1999 are not the same things you like in 2019. Granted, there are some things that you may still enjoy but overall, you change. Things that you could tolerate before may be something that you have grown patience for now. It’s all about growing and experiencing life. The whole no new friends....maaaan I cannot stand that saying. Now don’t get me wrong, when the saying was hot, I was all for it but then I thought about it, not making any new friends, not meeting new people and talking about their lives, it is an experience that you just have to have. There is nothing wrong with keeping relationships with your childhood friends but GET UP AND GET OUT!!

Let me make it personal, I have a slew of cousins and a handful of childhood friends that I am still in constant contact with but there are many friends that I have made throughout my military career, my current job and even at my sons soccer games. All of these people have brought different lessons to my life. They may not be lifetime friends but they have a purpose for being here. I feel that everyone you meet can teach you something and if you stay to yourself and keep that ‘No New Friends’ mantra, you are missing out!!! To make it more plain...If I hadn’t met my friend who pushed me to start blogging, you wouldn’t be reading this right now. I worked with her for 3 years and didn’t know her until God placed me in a position to meet her and now she is very motivational, inspirational and overall a great person!

Finding your CORE is the ultimate goal but just know that it is okay to GROW. You do not have to be the same person you were 10 years, 5 years, 2 days ago. Keep your core values and just learn how to enhance them.

Be Blessed & Love Yourself <3