Pieces Of Me

Don’t let the hurt from the past stop you from enjoying your future

Blocking what you know you want only because you are afraid of what’s to come

Trying to be a true gangsta and hide your feelings

When in reality you just want to be loved too

Let me love you

Love you through your hurt

Love you through the pain

Love you back to the smiles

I’m here

Standing right here

Screaming, yelling, shouting

“I love you and I’m not her”

But all you see is the fear

Fear of loving again

Fear of opening up

Fear of just allowing your emotions to flow

It’s understood that you don’t want to show your feelings

But know that it has to be done

Or she will be gone

Another memory

Another puzzle piece added to the past

When you find that peace within yourself nothing can disrupt it

Although, circumstances may arise and people may try

your peace will not be disturbed

When you find that peace within yourself,

You find yourself smiling just because

You find yourself finding the positive in every situation

You find yourself wanting to be surrounded by more positivity

When you find that peace within yourself,

It’s a joyous feeling, overwhelming even

Just to know that you are in a good space

All because you took time to nurture yourself,

Just to find...

A special peace

More Importantly,

Waiting for the day...

I don’t know what you have in store...

I know it will be the day of my dreams...

I find myself thinking more and more of this day...

Finding myself looking at my empty finger wondering when is it my turn...

Wondering if this day will ever come...

Wondering if you are wondering the same thing...

Wondering if you are as nervous as I am...

Waiting for the day...

That day that you realize that you cannot live without me...

That the long distance needs to cease

And that it’s time to start over together...

As Mr and Mrs...

I don’t want to bring it up...

I don’t want to pressure you...

I just am wondering...

I know, I know it’s been a while! Trust me, I have missed all of you that read my blog and a SPECIAL, HUGE THANK YOU to those who have reached out to me and encouraged me to keep writing. For that, I am very grateful because there have been many of times where I let it slip away. But let’s get to it. 

So let’s talk about that leap of faith. That first step. The step that matters the most but is also the hardest. Trust me, I know. Starting this blog was A HUGE FIRST step for me. Ultimately, I am glad I did it but whew chile, to get here was an ENTIRE process. I mean, I was scared, frustrated, nervous and down right AFRAID of the response. Especially with me being so transparent about my life. Even after hearing people tell me, “you should write a blog”, “your experiences could help someone else” and all of that. I still was afraid until I just stepped out on faith. 

I cannot tell you what made me do it but I can say that once the first step was taken, I wanted to run! So many ideas started to flow, so many topics came to mind but I had to stay true to me. True to what I wanted this blog to be about, which is full transparency into my journey.

Please don’t be afraid to try and fail, don’t be afraid to be laughed at, don’t be afraid to do anything. Going after your dreams is something that you should always do. It may not always work but you can either look back and say, maybe that wasn’t a good idea or you can tweak it and launch again! Let me tell you about something that I tried to launch and it failed. 

I wanted to try to start an Women’s Self-Care group. I partnered with a friend and we had put together a Self-Care slumber party! When I tell you we were so excited, it was about to be off the chain! But you know what happened, we didn’t have the support we thought we had and ultimately it was a BUST!! Was I mad? YES! Was I hurt? ABSOLUTELY! But that did not stop me from bringing my vision to life. I am working on something now to bring women together to uplift each other and make friends. It’s all about the motivation and willingness to keep going.

Keep the drive and passion alive in you. Don’t be afraid to take the first step because you don’t know what’s waiting on the other side!!! GO FOR IT!

Be Blessed and Love Yourself

We all have our faults. We all have our shortcomings. We all have things that we should be self aware about but there are some people out there who do not know that they are self absorbed, not motivating, not reciprocating or uplifting. Some people aren’t as self aware as they should be and noticing your own red flags is something that we should all take into consideration. If your friends, family, whomever is pointing out things to you, don’t be so quick to think they are “hating” or “they don’t understand”. Take that time to reflect and self check to make sure that you aren’t holding those red flags. 

Me- yea...let’s talk about me. I am too trusting. I have been told that I am too nice at times, I give people too many chances. I am a “people pleaser”. Those are just some of the things...I looked at those things and said “hmmm does that benefit me or hurt me?” “Do the things that have been said about me make me a better person or does it to just the opposite?” I would like to think that they make me a better person and benefit me. But when I look back at situations, these things have been the downfall to some of my friendships and relationships.

I wasn’t selfish enough. I didn’t love me enough. I didn’t realize that you have to earn my trust, I needed to put up barriers and protect my peace. Since I didn’t know these things, I was taken advantage of. I was used, abused and talked about, all while thinking I am giving someone the best version of me so why wouldn’t they reciprocate? Why wouldn’t they? Because they don’t know how. They haven’t recognized their own red flags. They don’t know that they are using someone or care to address that they are depleting someone’s energy. They don’t think about this because it’s not important. It’s not a factor for them to this to be checked on because it is not a requirement for their friendship. As long as they are good and their peace is in tact then everything is okay. 

In the last few days, I realized that I have a handful of friends, that will motivate, uplift and replenish in me just as I do them. I have realized that I have to protect my peace from “friends” who are just withdrawing from my peace account and not depositing. I will not be overdrawn and worn out anymore. I am not taking back what I have given out but I am learning and adjusting from this point on that it is okay to be selfish. Paying attention to my red flags will help me notice others as well. 

Be Blessed & Love Yourself,

So it has been a while since I have written anything (SORRY BUT I AM BACK!!!) and a lot has happened. But one thing that I have learned about while on my mini hiatus was the value of friendship. 

Now I would like to think that I have always been the perfect friend....I mean wouldn’t we all? BUT, I haven’t been. I have burned bridges, talked about you, been talked about, spilled tea and tested loyalty...and I was the only one who lost in the end. I found myself trying to be everybody’s friend and pleasing everyone, even when they didn’t mean me any good. I still wanted to make everyone happy. Even if that meant, losing myself, losing trust and ultimately ruining relationships.

I think that everyone goes through a point when they are trying to find themselves where they push people away, gain people who aren’t needed and just are in a whirlwind of friendship mess. To me, this is something that is necessary. This is growth. I was loyal to people who weren’t loyal to me, talked about for being too nice, thrown by the wayside when I said no. It was all due to the fact that I didn’t know what I valued in a friend because I didn’t know what I valued in me.

Now at 33, I realize that I don’t need a huge circle of friends. I don’t need to make everyone smile. I don’t need to please everyone but I do need to value my time and peace. A friendship is a two way street. If one is always giving and the other is always taking....RUN!! This can turn into something very toxic. Now there will be times where one needs more than the other, I get it. It’s called life. But when the scales start to tip and you begin to feel drained....RUN! This is not good for you at all. TRUST ME, I would not tell you about anything that I haven’t been through myself. 

The best thing that I have learned and continue to practice is to check in with your friends from time to time. Make sure that you are being a good friend and that you are receiving what you are giving. It’s always good to just have mini evaluations, its all about growth and self love!! Love yourself so that you can be the best version of you!!

Be Blessed & Love Yourself,

I have always loved to write. I have always had a pen, pencil, crayon something in my hand doing something. Whether it was jotting, taking notes, practicing my signature, did not matter, I WAS WRITING. I even took pride in my handwriting. I could switch it up to block lettering, cursive, you name it...I would write it. Somewhere on my journey, I lost that passion. Can you believe it? The chick who has started her own blog, currently has about 3 notebooks in her living room, lost the passion for writing? Yup, it happened. I just knew that I was destined to be a Best Selling author but truth be told, I had NOTHING to write about.

You see, I am not a fictional writer. I write about my own personal experiences. I cannot make up stories about what has not happened to me because I don’t know how those experiences would have impacted me. So if I had not been anywhere, experienced anything, taken the different paths on my journey, I couldn’t be that Best Selling author that I am destined to be. (You see what I did there, spoke that Best Selling Author right over my life!!) So while I thought I had lost my passion for writing, I was actually just gaining material for the book that is one day to come.

I am telling you all of this because it is never to late. You may have a fire lit under you today and then it is gone tomorrow. Do not give up on your dreams, there is always a lesson in why something happens the way it does. You might think, “well this wasn’t for me.” But if this is something that you are passionate about and you are good at. Keep pushing. Keep striving. Find that fire again. Do not let one incident, one problem, one person, one thought lead you astray because the picture is bigger than that. Once you get to where you are DESTINED to go, you will look back at that incident, problem, person or thought and smile because you were not defeated. You Won! Its your journey, you take control and you go get it!!!

Be Blessed & Love Yourself,

So look, time is precious and if you aren’t ready to invest and get rewarded for your efforts then DO NOT FALL IN LOVE. DO NOT DATE. DO NOT WASTE ANYONE'S TIME. So many people like the idea of “casual dating” but there are very few people, in my opinion, who can handle this task successfully. I think that this is a very sensitive subject but guess who is going to tackle it. Little ol’ me!

Dating without a purpose wastes everyone’s time. A lot of people aren’t honest with themselves so they place themselves in a category and end up catching feelings for someone who isn’t even on the same path, possibly in a whole different book. So when I say, DON’T WASTE MY TIME. DON’T! When I jumped back into the dating world, I knew what I wanted and what I would tolerate. I knew that list was very very short. I tried to meet people in person but that was hard for me to do because I was always running around handling the Single Parent Life (SPL) so I took a leap and jumped online to do some internet dating. LAWD that was a whole experience.

So here I am, ready to love again, ready to commit, ready to just give my all. I didn’t think that it would be easy nor did I think that it would come within days, months, or even years but I knew that when God sent the right man along that LOVE was a given. But I had to go through the ones who talked that game, who talked about “oh baby I can see a future with you.’ “Oh you are everything that I dreamed of and I can’t see my life without you.” Let me explain something about me. After my divorce, I found my voice. I am not afraid to say what I want and what I need. So when I met someone, in some of those first conversations, I am asking about wanting more kids, marriage, and long term goals. Now, I am not asking these questions because I want them to happen immediately but I am asking because these are things that I needed to know in order to move forward. I know that some of the answers that I received I wasn’t okay with so I decided to move on. No hard feelings and I was not wasting anybody’s time because after all TIME IS PRECIOUS.

All in all, if you value yourself and your time. Value theirs as well. They didn’t ask to have their emotions played with. So if someone is going to invest in you then be willing to invest in them. Be open to their questions, reap what you sow. So if you are sowing false hopes,  false dreams and false future plans then the fake love and deceit is what you will pluck up. This IS not good for anyone. No one wins in this situation. So just be honest. Guard your feelings and time as if your life depended on it because it does. You cannot just pour out and not be replenished. So please.....if you are going to LOVE, then don’t waste your time.

Be Blessed & Love Yourself,

It has been quite the minute since I have taken the time out to write but I had to get myself together as much as I could before things spiraled out of control. Don’t you hate that? Thinking that everything is going well and then one thing pops up and throws a whole new outlook on everything. Like dang, now I have to rearrange and figure some things out. Well that has become my life has a single parent.

I think that I have learned more about adapting and overcoming in this last year than any other year in my life. I have learned that I can take a lot more than I thought I could and that tears are just the ending of a hard lesson learned but the start of a beautiful beginning. I grew up in a single parent home and always wondered what it would be like to have two parents in the home but that isn’t what God had for me. I vowed to myself that I would NEVER raise my kids in a single parent home but there were other plans for my life.

I did not understand why I was placed in this situation but each day God is revealing to me bits and pieces and some things He makes very plain. One of the main lessons that I have learned is that I need to stop leaning and depending on others or even myself when GOD is the one who is in control. When my finances get low, straight panic mode because I have to find a way to provide for my children. When there is little food in the house, I panic and start rationing in my mind what I have to do. When the bills start adding up and I am looking like “Why must y’all call every day? I didn’t have it yesterday and I won’t have it today.” I mean let’s be real, these are real life issues. But what God has been showing me all along and I have been blind to see is that I need to stop worrying. Each and every time there was a situation and I thought it was a bind, God had already worked it out. Every time I fixed my mind and mouth to come up with a plan, He had already had the solution. Sometimes, He even allowed me to get into the bind to FURTHER show me who He is. Now, before anyone says anything, FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS DEAD. So don’t think that I sat, cried and just prayed. I prayed and fasted. I prayed and read my bible. I prayed and prayed again. I sat still at times because this is when God spoke to me. Sometimes, things happened and people didn’t even know they were a blessing to me.

Insecurity is one thing that is hard to overcome individually, but in a relationship it is a TRAP that is hard to escape. It is the one thing that you should not possess. If you are insecure or unsure, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MAKE A LIFE WITH SOMEONE. This is only going to make things more difficult. Asking questions, questioning EVERYTHING but overall, you end up tolerating way more than what you should, if you should be tolerating anything. KNOW YOUR WORTH before committing to anything.

I have been that girl who has been told they have a pretty smile but then they just feel that is enough. I have been the girl to where I am soooo freaking nice but I am not the one they want to bring around their friends because my butt wasn’t big enough. I have been that girl where I am good enough to hang out with in the car but not in public. Truth is....I was good enough for that and then some but I didn’t value myself. I didn’t see the worth in LaToria. I was looking for someone to boost my ego, boost my personality, boost my confidence but little did I know that it starts within.

Eventually I started to realize that I was being used. They didn’t care about me. I was never asked...”oh babe, how was your day?” Oh, but if it was asked, it was always followed with a question that pertained to their benefit. All these red flags were flapping in the wind and I am over here looking past them like “ooo pretty flags.” You are probably laughing right now and gratefully, I can laugh now too but it was so damaging to have to rebuild what God had already birthed. We are birthed into greatness but we allow society, “friends” and even family to speak things over our lives so much that we start to believe it.

You have to believe in you. You have to find your worth. You have to know you bring more to the table than a quick text and then a selfish question. You are more than a quickie in the car, you are more than sneaking in the house, not meeting the parents, not professing your love because “they are private”!!! You are worth more than all of that and if He,She or whomever you decide to begin a relationship with cannot see that...it’s not their fault. It’s yours because you don’t see it in yourself. How can they see what you don’t? Overcoming insecurities start within.

Be Blessed & Love Yourself,

So I am on a roll here...My best friend asked me, “Friend, how do you leave your past behind and move forward in a relationship?” So I probably paraphrased but that is the direction that the conversation went. LOL. But I sat and thought about it and came to this conclusion, I moved on too fast after my divorce.

I had two “relationships”...okay let’s call them encounters. I mean, hey, I have to be an open book. They were my rebounds, I just knew I “loved” them and that a future was in store but overall. I was just keeping them in my life so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the fact that my marriage was over and that I was hurting. I projected my insecurities onto them and ultimately was just trying to put a relationship together because the one I had was done. So it really didn’t matter who I was in a relationship with, I just needed to be in one to prove to myself- “You are not a failure.” WRONG! I was all the way wrong. Jumping into an “encounter” was not the way to prove I wasn’t a failure. They didn’t know who I was and what I had endured. They didn’t know that they were being used as a band-aid. They just knew that the pretty girl, with the beautiful smile had good conversation and liked to hang out. Boy, was I broken.

So what I had to do was end all ties with anyone who was in my path of peace. To include my broken heart. I had to end ties with the heart that loved my ex and mend. I had to face what I did wrong in my marriage, face what I needed to change, face that it was over and that it was okay. Basically, I had to tell my past that I am moving on. So I did just that. I cried, I wrote poems, nasty letters (never sent them), cried, ate a whole lot of food, drank and did I mention I cried. But at some point, I couldn’t cry another day. I was all cried out. That’s when my past became my past. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself. It was okay. I was okay.

That’s when I knew I could be in a relationship. Now there were some other processes that took place and we will get into them on another day. But the only way that I could leave my past in my past and not bring it into my future was to DEAL WITH IT. If you are bringing baggage into your new relationship, then you aren’t ready. You haven’t dealt with your past. It is still very much in your present. So if you are still asking yourself, how to not bring your past into your future, then you aren’t ready...love on yourself just a little bit longer.

Be Blessed & Love Yourself <3

Finding yourself is not something that happens overnight and because of the constant changes in society that you will never be able to fully find yourself. I think that you will be able to find core pieces of what makes you...YOU but never fully find yourself because you change...you evolve...ultimately YOU GROW! I know a lot of people may disagree and that is perfectly fine but let me explain why I feel this way.

Everyone says- “Oh I know who I am, I know what I like and don’t like.” or “No new friends.” That one always takes me out. But if you think about it, the things that you liked in 1999 are not the same things you like in 2019. Granted, there are some things that you may still enjoy but overall, you change. Things that you could tolerate before may be something that you have grown patience for now. It’s all about growing and experiencing life. The whole no new friends....maaaan I cannot stand that saying. Now don’t get me wrong, when the saying was hot, I was all for it but then I thought about it, not making any new friends, not meeting new people and talking about their lives, it is an experience that you just have to have. There is nothing wrong with keeping relationships with your childhood friends but GET UP AND GET OUT!!

Let me make it personal, I have a slew of cousins and a handful of childhood friends that I am still in constant contact with but there are many friends that I have made throughout my military career, my current job and even at my sons soccer games. All of these people have brought different lessons to my life. They may not be lifetime friends but they have a purpose for being here. I feel that everyone you meet can teach you something and if you stay to yourself and keep that ‘No New Friends’ mantra, you are missing out!!! To make it more plain...If I hadn’t met my friend who pushed me to start blogging, you wouldn’t be reading this right now. I worked with her for 3 years and didn’t know her until God placed me in a position to meet her and now she is very motivational, inspirational and overall a great person!

Finding your CORE is the ultimate goal but just know that it is okay to GROW. You do not have to be the same person you were 10 years, 5 years, 2 days ago. Keep your core values and just learn how to enhance them.

Be Blessed & Love Yourself <3

Now where was I...Oh yea, realizing that I had lost who I thought I was. Now, as I stated before, we were definitely trying our best to rekindle the fire that had dimmed after 3-4 years. But what was revealed to me today was- Just because it’s your plan, doesn’t mean it’s God’s plan and if it isn’t HIS plan then it will surely fail! Something that I will NOW tell myself every single day. Anyway, the fire had been rekindled but it was a temporary solution. You know what I mean, like applying pressure until you can find a band-aid? Yea, that’s exactly what it was.

So we were walking on eggshells. Tiptoeing around the “D” word. It was almost like we both knew it was coming but neither one of us wanted to say it. We both came from single parent homes, vowed that we would never raise our children this way, so if the “D” word came into play, are we failing? Are we just like every generation before us? These are the questions that kept two people in a situation that shouldn’t have been. We were literally co-parenting roommates.

Let’s take a look at that. We could have and should have called it quits, when we first realized but as many married couples do... you stay married for the sake of...children?...finances?...appearance? But you never stop to think, what is this actually doing to my mental health? What is this doing to my children? To the people around me? We often think we are the only ones impacted- if we divorce but SOOOOO many people are impacted when you stay together and are not meant to be.

I realized that when the “D” word was actually said and the papers were filed, I had to be selfish in a certain aspect. I had to protect myself which would ultimately protect my children. Do not be afraid to walk away for yourself. This is for any situation that is draining and disturbing your peace. If you value anything, VALUE YOU!! Did I know what I was walking into? HELL NO! But I did know that I was walking away from a place where I could no longer be. So I did it. I ended my marriage, ended the confusion, ended the hurt and anger and walked into my new life. “Hello, single parenthood, my name is LaToria Michelle, pleased to meet you.”

Be Blessed and Love Yourself <3

So I definitely didn’t think that my “I Do” would turn into an “I don’t wanna do this anymore.” But it did. Let me take you back to when it was all good. I had it all. The career...Go Army, Beat Navy!, the handsome boyfriend, no kids and lots of places to go in Texas. The question was asked and after 6 months of dating..you know what happened, I was somebody’s wife. Yep....somebody’s freaking wife!!!

So where do we go from here. Oh that’s right, the honeymoon phase. It was great. We laughed, we kissed, we made sure we kept dating. Pure perfection, we had become one. But what happens, when you become one without understanding fully who you are? You lose yourself. You lose your individuality. You begin to rely so much on that person that you forget how to be YOU because you have become ONE.

Now don’t get me wrong, becoming one with your spouse is a great thing, when you know who you are. I had no clue to LaToria Michelle was. I was still finding myself but yet I had said “I Do” to become a part of something bigger than me.

Stopping right here to reflect on making decisions based off that initial feeling. In the moment, it felt good, it felt right. It was the best thing that happened to Tori, the 25 year old Tori. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life but in that moment I knew it was him. So I based my decision of getting married so quickly because it felt good right then.

Take your time when making any type of decision that will impact your future. These decisions cannot be made lightly. Yes we will all make mistakes but just make sure that you think logically. Take some time, your decision that you said “I Do” to today may be your “I Don’t” tomorrow.

Talk to you guys tomorrow....We will definitely continue this conversation!

Be Blessed and Love Yourself <3

Yep...I did it...With a big push I started a blog. Let’s be honest. I have no idea how to do this but with the help of my friends and the faith I have in God, we are going to get through this!

I have always had a passion for writing for as long as I can remember. The fire within, I honestly though had died down but look at me now...Writing a freaking blog!

So a little bit about me!! Single mom of 2...Army Veteran...Aspiring Writer...Loyal Friend...Loving Daughter...Forgetful...Goofy...Loves to Dream...the list goes on...Don’t worry you will have time to get to know me very well!!

This post was short and sweet....But there will be more...Feel free to ask me questions. I am here to be an open book!

Be Blessed and Love Yourself <3