#secondthoughts

She has. Several times. All instances were, however, in the heat of the moment - an argument, a threat. She has never come to me and quietly asked me to leave our arrangement be. Nor can I see her doing this.

I, on the other hand, have done this several times in the early months and years. Second thoughts were fairly common for me. By the last time I did this, however, she was bold enough tell me I would be back.

So I definitely didn’t think that my “I Do” would turn into an “I don’t wanna do this anymore.” But it did. Let me take you back to when it was all good. I had it all. The career...Go Army, Beat Navy!, the handsome boyfriend, no kids and lots of places to go in Texas. The question was asked and after 6 months of dating..you know what happened, I was somebody’s wife. Yep....somebody’s freaking wife!!!

So where do we go from here. Oh that’s right, the honeymoon phase. It was great. We laughed, we kissed, we made sure we kept dating. Pure perfection, we had become one. But what happens, when you become one without understanding fully who you are? You lose yourself. You lose your individuality. You begin to rely so much on that person that you forget how to be YOU because you have become ONE.

Now don’t get me wrong, becoming one with your spouse is a great thing, when you know who you are. I had no clue to LaToria Michelle was. I was still finding myself but yet I had said “I Do” to become a part of something bigger than me.

Stopping right here to reflect on making decisions based off that initial feeling. In the moment, it felt good, it felt right. It was the best thing that happened to Tori, the 25 year old Tori. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life but in that moment I knew it was him. So I based my decision of getting married so quickly because it felt good right then.

Take your time when making any type of decision that will impact your future. These decisions cannot be made lightly. Yes we will all make mistakes but just make sure that you think logically. Take some time, your decision that you said “I Do” to today may be your “I Don’t” tomorrow.

Talk to you guys tomorrow....We will definitely continue this conversation!

Be Blessed and Love Yourself <3

Now where was I...Oh yea, realizing that I had lost who I thought I was. Now, as I stated before, we were definitely trying our best to rekindle the fire that had dimmed after 3-4 years. But what was revealed to me today was- Just because it’s your plan, doesn’t mean it’s God’s plan and if it isn’t HIS plan then it will surely fail! Something that I will NOW tell myself every single day. Anyway, the fire had been rekindled but it was a temporary solution. You know what I mean, like applying pressure until you can find a band-aid? Yea, that’s exactly what it was.

So we were walking on eggshells. Tiptoeing around the “D” word. It was almost like we both knew it was coming but neither one of us wanted to say it. We both came from single parent homes, vowed that we would never raise our children this way, so if the “D” word came into play, are we failing? Are we just like every generation before us? These are the questions that kept two people in a situation that shouldn’t have been. We were literally co-parenting roommates.

Let’s take a look at that. We could have and should have called it quits, when we first realized but as many married couples do... you stay married for the sake of...children?...finances?...appearance? But you never stop to think, what is this actually doing to my mental health? What is this doing to my children? To the people around me? We often think we are the only ones impacted- if we divorce but SOOOOO many people are impacted when you stay together and are not meant to be.

I realized that when the “D” word was actually said and the papers were filed, I had to be selfish in a certain aspect. I had to protect myself which would ultimately protect my children. Do not be afraid to walk away for yourself. This is for any situation that is draining and disturbing your peace. If you value anything, VALUE YOU!! Did I know what I was walking into? HELL NO! But I did know that I was walking away from a place where I could no longer be. So I did it. I ended my marriage, ended the confusion, ended the hurt and anger and walked into my new life. “Hello, single parenthood, my name is LaToria Michelle, pleased to meet you.”

Be Blessed and Love Yourself <3