#alter: data

Forward, Forward, Forward.

The hands of time tick forward

A hungry conquest

You can beg for a break

You can beg for it to stop

You can beg for reason - for a chance

To breathe - To decide

And yet it continues forward.

Marching, Marching, Marching.

One step over the other

Each cry ignored

Each plea forgotten

Your pleading body lay trampled

A remnant whisper of a person

As time pushes onward

Forward, Forward, Forward

Like I think 2 or 3 months ago I fused with them and that was largely something that was helpful in the time being cause both of us were not coping with the life transition at all and for a while it balanced the two of us out + I think we were the most readily availible to fuse due to the nature of how enmeshed the two of us are in function.

With that being said, in that moment we - and most of the parts in the system - knew it was not the ideal, cause while we could fuse the easiest due to being enmeshed we were still, ya know, toxically enmeshed. The way we operate and the issues we have more often than not feed into each other rather than balances each other out - so it was actually a "we will give it a go" and surprise when the fusion somewhat took and was successful enough in neutralizing our mutually escalated states

But like a lil while ago Data re-split off likely simply due to the new stressors of our life transition making the dynamic turn inefficient and unaffective and while that split was technically "negative and due to stress" this time I think it was overall far more healing in the sense that it gave room for Data to "reset" and explore themselves better than they did before the fusion and far better than they did while fused (as in that fusion it didn't fully click at any point and the Data part was more "controlled and managed" than properly expressed or fused) and also gave Data the brain space to properly figure out a dynamic under XIV's wing to cope and all

And so XIV will "eat" (fuse with) Data when the time fits cause the two have a pair dynamic now that seems to work well, but in the meanwhile we are likely starting up MORE positive coping hobbies per Data's request and starting to settled into a rhythm that supports us as a whole and addresses Data's needs better

PLUS, XIV is inherently and will always be better at handling and processing the insane weight that Data as a part carries by the sheer nature of his dynamic existence with Data so XIV fusing with Data makes a lot more sense in system dynamics talk than me with them.

So yeah we split, but honestly it was a step closer in the right direction and helped us "repair" some flaws in our current system "design" than when we were fused.

But like now that he's split and the system is a lot more connected, instead its just me and XIV and the fused general state of Fei maladaptively feeding eachother and doing it again.

Like it's different, more managable and less taxing cause its parts feeding off of one another rather than one part shutting the rest out and sitting for 6 hours applying to crap and we can actually repetitively acknowledge to one another that We are Doing The Thing and eventuallly crawl out of it

But its really just... kinda amusing how that works out

Like instead of it being Data its just me and XIV taking turns going "I think we did enough we should really take a break and relax" and then the other going "yeah youre right let me just finish this train of thought and look this thing up" and then that causing the other to go "oh shit wait I had a good idea lemme search one more thing then we can be done" on loop

"It is, it's miserable, but I prefer it to the alternative"

We are not children, we said as a teen.

Riku is nagging (suggesting, but they're inherently annoying) at me to share some thoughts on this but theres this feeling around splitting that splitting is a sign of failure to cope with trauma, failure to process shit, and just "worsening of the condition" and I get it, a lot of the time it can be that but like... I don't resonate with that as our most recent non-fragment split (in our definition, I mean a part that has a more solid sense of self rather than a dissociated ambiguous part) cause I am glad I split and I think thats the case with the other half I split with - and honestly? I think the system as a whole is relieved we are two and not one anymore

Before I split, we were Data!original or Data!old and Data held a very broken and unmanagable role which was essentially to keep all of our parts in a miserable hell and in the place we were in as a persecutory gatekeeper, and he was non-negotiable and non-communicative because he didn't do it intentionally so much as he held too much trauma and had too much power. As a gatekeeper he had a gatekeeper fragment floating around that was / is a literal non-talking mouse that would support this whenever he was too overwhelmed - which was basically always.

He hated himself especially as he realized his role, and he kept the subsystem held aggressively down without meaning to and constantly - as he felt - kept shooting us in the foot on accident and it was a shit cycle.

Data!OG was built partially by an abuser to lock us in our hell and there really wasnt a good or productive way to address his shit because if we tried to address our trauma, we'd easily get overwhelmed and then uncontrollably crush the system and everyone around us which would make things worse both in self esteem, overload, and just generally add shit to the list

One part of Data was getting overwhelmed with fear and one part of Data was trying to maintain a sense of stability and security and the two chronically danced in a way that left no room for him to communicate or address the situation

And so after one too many of those song and dance, those parts just broke apart into Data!new and me respectively.

Yes we split, but more importantly, both halves could now address their specific issues without the other half being ill effected and most importantly, it broke us from the trapped cycle of stuckness that our abuser taught us.

Its better to have two parts that can work and function in the system than trying to force or hold together one part that can't help but hold the system down and self destruct.

The vent below that I reblogged cause I found it relatable had a like "Someone has to do it" which really resonated with my current place in processing, because I really wanted nothing to do with this system and had to be told "if you dont give us minimal information we are likely going to - intentionally or not - be around you more so its easier if you tell us important info sk we can leave you alone" to engage with the parts here at all

And while that was comfortable, I was also really just stewing in annoyance and misanthropy. I didn't want to have to do shit, I didn't care about shit and I just wanted to have some moments of peace

But honestly? After this realization and a week of grief, it kinda made me realize how toxically self absorbed and self centered I was being. Justifiably so (and this is about me not anyone else in a similar situation) from what I hold, but even if justifiable, the self absorbtion and negativity did me little to improve my situation or make me feel good - or really anything.

It's only when I hit this moment of grief and realization of my place in the picture of my subsystem did it click into place that I am more than just here by myself and honestly, only then did it make me realize I have the autonomy and choices to make in life. Previously I was focused on comfort and my needs that I forgot that life is about living and not just managing my energy.

It really wasn't until I reflected on the tragedy that is our subsystem splitting that I really began to look beyond my bubble and see that there is more to life than energy management and being grumpy and honestly, that realization has - on its own - made me a lot happier.

I'm motivated to engage in the world some and I'm motivated to experience new things and trust the parts in the system, hell, even perhaps people out of the system.

So I really resent the situation that got me here and I hate that its unfair and cruel, but at the same time, it gave me - well, fuck it, quoting NF cause Im a mega fan

Some would say having a mental breakdown is a negative thing

Which on one hand, I agree with

On the other hand, it was the push I needed

To get help and start the healing process, see if

I'd have never hit rock bottom, would I be the person that I am today? I don't believe so

Not because I hate Data!original, but just because he lived in such a hell and I don't want to be that. I don't want to admit that version of me is still me in a way more tyan "yeah I came from him thats the lore"

Data!original doesn't and didn't want to exist as themselves and acknowledging that he is still me and I am still a part of him makes that part of him that is in me want to cry and scream that even after splitting, he still can't escape his own existence.