To be honest, as much grief as I was going through the past week or so in regards to my realization regarding my subsystem and how cruel and unfair the previous unsplit version of me was treated, I kind of have come to find some joy (for a lack of better words, engagement might be better but thats a weird word to use for this sentence) in the position I've found myself in.
The vent below that I reblogged cause I found it relatable had a like "Someone has to do it" which really resonated with my current place in processing, because I really wanted nothing to do with this system and had to be told "if you dont give us minimal information we are likely going to - intentionally or not - be around you more so its easier if you tell us important info sk we can leave you alone" to engage with the parts here at all
And while that was comfortable, I was also really just stewing in annoyance and misanthropy. I didn't want to have to do shit, I didn't care about shit and I just wanted to have some moments of peace
But honestly? After this realization and a week of grief, it kinda made me realize how toxically self absorbed and self centered I was being. Justifiably so (and this is about me not anyone else in a similar situation) from what I hold, but even if justifiable, the self absorbtion and negativity did me little to improve my situation or make me feel good - or really anything.
It's only when I hit this moment of grief and realization of my place in the picture of my subsystem did it click into place that I am more than just here by myself and honestly, only then did it make me realize I have the autonomy and choices to make in life. Previously I was focused on comfort and my needs that I forgot that life is about living and not just managing my energy.
It really wasn't until I reflected on the tragedy that is our subsystem splitting that I really began to look beyond my bubble and see that there is more to life than energy management and being grumpy and honestly, that realization has - on its own - made me a lot happier.
I'm motivated to engage in the world some and I'm motivated to experience new things and trust the parts in the system, hell, even perhaps people out of the system.
So I really resent the situation that got me here and I hate that its unfair and cruel, but at the same time, it gave me - well, fuck it, quoting NF cause Im a mega fan
Some would say having a mental breakdown is a negative thing
Which on one hand, I agree with
On the other hand, it was the push I needed
To get help and start the healing process, see if
I'd have never hit rock bottom, would I be the person that I am today? I don't believe so
The grief gave me invaluable insight and perspective. I struggle to feel right cursing it for that, which is a feeling I can hold together with the acknowledgement that it should have never happened. I can both thank it and wish it never happened.
