I don't just have two invisible disabilities (adhd and autism). I have three. I wear glasses, because I am extremely nearsighted, to a disabling extent.

I never think about it, because it's one thing I can say with absolute certainty that my parents did right. They knew their kids would almost certainly need glasses, because literally everybody on both sides of my family needs glasses. My sister can almost get away without them for reading and things but I can't even do that. I can only see a few inches away from my nose without them. I cannot read billboards without my glasses.

But I never even think about the fact that I have a pretty significant disability because it's so well managed and always has been. If I wear my glasses, I have effective 20/20 vision. Not a problem. I'm a trained visual artist whose job relies on their ability to see stars. I've had glasses since first grade. I was told how to know when I would need them and it was just treated as part of life, without any kind of stigma. It was treated as something that I needed to be aware of in particular that many people have and everyone chooses to manage differently.

My glasses are so much of a part of my mental self image that I don't recognize photos of myself from seventh grade, the year I tried contacts. I've been told about treatment options for my entire life, literally since before I could read, because my parents don't gatekeep information. Especially about something as important as being able to see clearly. Many glasses-wearers can tell you what it felt like to be able to see leaves on trees clearly for the first time. I remember that, but also, I don't? because I always knew how to tell when I'd need glasses, so I was able to monitor my own sight and effectively caught the need much earlier than people who don't have that language.

Many people don't wear glasses. At least, not all the time. They don't have to. I have to have my shower arranged just so or I won't grab the right bottle of shampoo or conditioner if they're they same shape. I wear them from the time I sit up in bed to the time I lay down at night with only a brief break to shower. I have some areas of my life arranged like a completely non-sighted person, because I have to. Because without my glasses, I literally cannot see clearly enough to see my own glasses. if they end up out of position, I have to get REAL creative to find them again.

But that disability is effectively invisible, because it's 100% correctable with glasses. I have vision. My eyes work. Sort of. They just don't work to let me see without a mobility aid.

The doctors let me keep a comfort object with me during surgery.

They did not let me keep my glasses and that is supremely FUCKED UP.

I was allowed to have a doll with me when I went under and when I woke up.

I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE LITERALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT MOBILITY AID IN MY LIFE. And I don't even know why.

It would have been pretty easy. If they could keep track of a doll during surgery, they could keep track of a glasses case. I can only assume that something horrible and traumatic for me would have been so minor as to not make a difference for most people. It would have made so much of a difference to me, because I wouldn't have been poked and prodded by literally faceless strangers in a room I couldn't see as anything other than a blur.

Not doing that? That's one of the big things in my life I can point to and go, "Actually, that's pretty fucked up." Like. That's the stuff of nightmares.

this last month I have been Not Doing Well. there's a LOT of emotional fallout from the past year of living with Jay's parents. lots of trauma stuff I haven't felt prepared for, triggers I don't know how to handle.

but the fact that I even have the space to struggle is reason for gratitude. i don't have to bear the brunt of the emotional turmoil of that hellish family anymore. i have space to process all the feelings that arose these past 10 months. i have people to support me both inside and outside our system... so many friends, so much love. I've never felt more loved, seen, and appreciated than I do these days.

don't get me wrong, this shit feels awful. I'm so tired and it hurts like hell and I've cried so much. I'm not okay. but the fact that I can safely be not okay... that alone reminds me that I know that eventually, I can and will be okay again.

The rubber rafts bobbed up and down. Passengers paddled frantically into the beach. They had been floating in the open ocean for hours. Lightning streaked through the dark, heavy clouds. Thunder rattled the small lifeboats. Jake jumped out of his boat and pulled both rafts ashore.

Why do I care about these people? No one ever took care of me? I should just leave them and take care of myself. Jake dismissed the thoughts with a shake of his head.

They needed to find shelter fast. Jake looked around the small cove. There were rocks, cliffs, and one small cave opening.

“Everyone, follow me!” Jake called out.

[Who’s gonna follow you? You’re no leader!]

Jake winced, he thought he had left that voice behind. He was stranded on a planet far from his home galaxy, and the voice had still found him.

The exhausted passengers pulled themselves up off the sand and followed Jake. The storm came quicker than expected, and the group barely made it into the cave before the wind picked up and the rain came down.

Jake pulled a flare out of the emergency pack, and lit it. He looked around at the group of broken people huddled in the damp cave. The ship had wrecked several hours ago, and people were exhausted and hungry. They had had enough water to last them the day, but that was now running low as well. He was going to die, surrounded by strangers. Lost. Alone. Without Hope.

“Young man, could you light a fire for us?” An old man asked from the shadows.

Jake looked around hesitantly and saw that he was the young man in question. In fact, he was the youngest person in the cave. “Um, Okay.”

[Failure…. Worthless….. Stupid…. They will find you out.]

The voice from his past echoed. “Go Away!” Jake whispered loudly. Looking around to see if anyone heard him. Couldn’t have people figuring out how crazy he was.

There was a pile of dry driftwood in the mouth of the cave. It was just enough to get a fire started. The fire crackled and lit up the faces around him while he handed out emergency blankets.

“Why thank you.” An old woman said quietly as he handed her the blanket.

“You’re welcome, ma’am.” Jake replied.

[Ha. You think they will believe you are really that polite? Pathetic. They will just think you are going to try to use them, control them.]

Jake sat apart from the others. Far away from the fire. It was safer in the shadows. Maybe they would forget he was there. Maybe they wouldn’t need him.

I cannot let them need me. I will fail them just like I failed to save mom. Jake tried to block the painful memories and the gorge that was rising in his stomach with them. He stared unfocused at the storm outside the cave.

“Guilty!” Jake had barely heard the jury foreman through his tears. It confirmed everything he had ever been told about himself.

[They threw you away like trash. That is what you are trash, just like that mother of yours.]

Jake squeezed his eyes against the voice in his head. Willing away the memories it brought with it. Thunder cracked outside, summoning his attention back to the present.

“Dearie, could you take the empty water jug outside to catch the rain?” The old woman he had given the blanket to asked, looking straight at him. Smiling.

She wouldn’t smile if she knew what I really was. What I did to deserve this one way space trip. Jake was trying to make himself small enough to not be noticed, but for some reason the others kept seeking him out.

[They aren’t seeking you out. They are scared of you. Scared of what you might do. They don’t want to let you out of their sight. You Freak.]

His smile did not reach his eyes as he took the jugs and placed them in the rain. Just once he wanted to be told he was worthy. That there was something worth living for. Hard to believe that when they sent you on a one way trip to the planet of useless humans. At least he had actually committed a crime. The rest of these people were just guilty of the crime of getting too old to be useful.

[Don’t kid yourself you are unforgivable, broken. Just like your mother.]

His stepdad’s voice was getting louder. The memories getting harder to push away. He put his head in his hands trying to press the emotions down.

“Are you okay son?” An old man asked quietly. “Can I sit here next to you? I am getting a bit warm close to the fire.”

Jake flinched as the man sat down. He was sitting close. Too close. Jake kept his head down, his eyes on the ground. “Fine.”

I am not fine, Jake thought. I am a monster, and the voice in my head won’t leave me alone.

The storm continued to rage outside as Jake’s mind spiraled. Suddenly he was back home reliving that fateful day.

“Woman!” He heard his step father yell at his mother. A loud THWAP followed, and he heard his mother’s voice pleading unintelligibly. STOMP. STOMP. “Crazy, worthless freak!” SLAP. THUD.

Jake curled up in a ball with his hands over his ears trying to block it out just like the other nights. But this night was different. Jake felt the thunder in his belly. The storm came quicker than expected. Blackness. Then, standing over his stepfather with a hammer, covered in blood.

Unfortunately, he had been too late, his mother lay on the floor motionless with her neck at an unnatural angle. He collapsed and wept.

Tears wet his face as he was brought back to the present by concerned voices.

“Son, can you hear me? We need you here. Please”

“Honey, please we want to help you.”

Jake opened his eyes. The rain had stopped.

Hello! I noticed a lack of community spaces on tumblr to post about trauma, difficult experiences, and dark subject matter. I decided to create my own! The purpose is to allow space for vunerability, honesty, and acceptance. Writing about dark subject matter is an art and deserves to be treated as such!

Please note this space could be potentially triggering. Everyone who joins is expected to use trigger warning tags.

tumblr.com/join/AXtolqZ2

under the living room furniture that I rarely sweep up

often I choke on the dust

But my mother is the shadows in my closet