#actuallyocd

When you're constantly corrected on your own actions, intentions, and interpretations of the world, taught that any sentence you think is innocent can be horrifically offensive (and that you knew that even though you didn't), scolded for the way your disability affects you and accused of lying when you struggle, fuck, why wouldn't autistic people have "I'm terrified of doing something wrong and am desperate to comfort myself" disorder? I can't say a single sentence online without checking for how it could be misinterpreted or used as evidence that I have done something wrong, hurt someone, acted like the scum of the earth – I feel the need to put a disclaimer that OCD isn't just how I described it above, because I'm afraid that someone's going to be bothered by that simplistic description – because I know people aren't going to give me grace for clumsy words, even if they know I'm autistic, even if they know part of my autism is wording things clumsily.

And I'm not surprised autistic burnout is such a common problem, either. When autistic people check over their words like this, they're expending energy to accommodate intolerance and ignorance from others. Even for fully verbal autistic people, that's going to take a toll.

That's part of why I like tone tags and just stating the tone like (genuine), I think. People will ask "Why don't you just add a sentence telling people what your tone is?" and the answer is that those sentences also get misinterpreted! Those sentences also get scanned for tone and intent to hurt that isn't there! So that's another sentence that I have to check over and over and over again so people don't read it and think I'm the scum of the earth! Just let me have my fucking tone indicators!! At least I know if someone ignores those that they're being an ableist prick and not just acting "normally" towards me, sure to get all the sympathy if I get frustrated that I can't say even a single sentence naturally without people hating or "correcting" me for it! Because yeah, it's not nice to pick on autistic people, but I'm just an asshole on the internet who didn't cover all possible nuances and sounded a little too snarky, which means it's okay to be a bitch to me!

It's always on me to watch and change my words, on me to play 3D chess in conversations to anticipate outcomes I don't understand, on me to get over my distress so I can "properly" apologize for inevitably fucking up the simplest of fucking conversations no matter how rude the other party was being, and never on others to give me any grace or apologies for my literal fucking disability. It's really no wonder that I'm always worried that I'm going to say something wrong and unforgivable – according to ableism, I am. And the only way for me to move forward from that is to accept that I am only as much of an asshole as the people who put me in this position in the first place.

it seems counter intuitive but contamination OCD can result in really, really dirty environments.

hi I have contamination OCD and one of my biggest obsessions is mold! I go to extreme lengths to avoid mold! and I just spent an hour cleaning real, not imagined mold out of my bathroom! how did that happen!? how did it get that bad!? it's really simple! my OCD made me avoid mold which meant avoid cleaning the mold which meant the mold got worse which made it harder to clean the mold.

the increasing distress at the mold meant very little until it got me to the point of breakdown where the mold was finally bad enough that my avoidance of it was a weaker force than my need to get rid of it.

I do this a lot.

I bounce between obsessively getting rid of anything that could possibly be moldy or get moldy in the next week and avoiding disgustingly moldy food because I can't touch it. usually I'm doing both. the mold causes me distress but the distress of dealing with it once it's there is greater than the distress of having it there. I solve this by obsessively preventing mold to the point of self destruction.

I have a completely disrupted relationship with food and my environment that makes things infinitely worse for myself because I'm constantly operating in both directions. my environment gets worse while I further restrict myself and destroy myself to try to prevent it but I can't just.... fix my environment? because that would involve interacting with mold.

from batman unburied episode 4:

BARBARA: And you have that terrible, all-consuming-pathology which compels you to find answers. RIDDLER: And I have that terrible, all-consuming-pathology that compels me to find answers. Yes.

and also (same episode):

BARBARA: It’s a leap. RIDDLER: Yes. But... I know a little something about compulsion. BARBARA: I guess you do. (beat) I’m gonna need some scotch tape and talcum powder.

from riddler secrets in the dark (i don't have the episode number on hand; i paused and rewound to transcribe this myself whilst listening in early 2024 and it's been sitting in my notes ever since):

RIDDLER: I can't just walk away. Because I have this stupid fucking tightness in my chest that feels like I might die if I leave a riddle unsolved- BATMAN: That doesn't make any sense. RIDDLER: Of course it doesn't make any sense! It's a fucking compulsion! You of all people should know that! You're just as crazy as I am!