#ace advice

you see… I… really REALLY love my… my sweet… um… cook… with his beautiful curly eyebrows…

um… how do I… how do I… HOW DO I DO SOMETHING-

You’re good at this thing- I-

you ask him out and you take being rejected with grace if it happens, it genuinely is that simple.

you can’t really make someone want you, my thing with law being ‘reluctant’ is just a well understood game we play. he’s good at playing hard to get and its fun.

I'm answering this way because I wasn't sure if you wanted your account/name exposed.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it can be a really tough time figuring out if you're ace. I can tell you two definitive things:

YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. Asexuality is a valid sexuality and you are not alone.

You can use whatever label you want whenever you choose. Feel ace today? Use it, if you want to. Don't feel ace next week? You can use another label. Or none at all.

I'm sorry, I'm not an expert. I'm a still-recent ace still trying to figure out why I didn't figure this out sooner.

Some resources I can direct you towards that I have found helpful:

The ace pages on the LGBTQIA+ Wiki.

I understand that Season 2 of Heartstopper on Netflix has some good ace rep (I am yet to watch it).

Ok, I know I typically am the one who gives advice but this time I need it.

I enter a relationship with a heterosexual man recently, he is someone I’ve know for nearly 2 years and when we brought up dating he said he was fine with me being ace. Well lately we’ve been talking about the possibility of marriage. But he and I are worried how our relationship will work when he wants sex and I don’t. As some of you know I am a sex-repulsed ace and have always been worried about being in relationships for that very reason. I really like this guy and he wants to compromise we just don’t know how. I’ll take any help I can get.

Thanks guys,

(I know this is a late reply, sorry)

My own husband (who was still my boyfriend when I told him) definitely didn't understand right away, and getting to the point of understanding and acceptance we are right now didn't happen overnight. It didn't even happen immediately after we got married. It can take some time for people to reevaluate their views and change their thought process around it.

But let me be clear here: if he really cares about you, as a person and how you are? He will. We've all heard it before, that if someone really loves you they won't try to change who you are, and that absolutely applies to queerness. Your queerness is a part of you, and if he doesn't love and accept that, then he doesn't love and accept you. Again, it may take a little time. But what matters is if he's willing to take that time. If he's not, then it unfortunately might not work out, and that's something to keep in mind.

As for the actual telling, I believe what I did was ask him if he knew about asexuality and what it meant, then described it to him and explained that that was how I felt. I think if you're thinking about telling someone you care about, you need to be prepared for confusion, questions, and perhaps initial dismissal or downplaying, but remain firm that you are not confused, you're certain nothing is 'wrong' with you, and that this is a part of what makes you you. Again, if he really cares about you, even if he's taken aback/hurt at first, your queerness will ultimately not matter to him, and he will eventually love it as it is a part of you, and he loves you.

You don‘t have to experience sexual actions to know your attraction. Sexual acts, even when consented, can be traumatising experiences.

Maybe you think you need to have sex for whatever reason (I thought you had to have sex to get rid of this annoying thing called libido), but you don‘t(!)

But also:

Enjoying sexual acts doesn‘t make you less ace

Masturbation doesn‘t make you less ace

Phantasies about sex? Yup, still ace

Aces come in all forms and sizes, some find the depiction of sex gross, some enjoy having sex.

Can you be too young to know if you’re asexual?

I’m afraid my answer is going to be controversial: yes and no.

Before you discount me completely, let me explain: biologically, there is a time period before we develop sexual urges. We can all agree on this. The age of pubescent onset differs, but can occur as young as age 8 [source: nhs.uk] . Conversely, puberty can start (not wrap up) as late as age 14. Puberty takes around 4 years on average, meaning it can taper off around age 18. So it’s logical for your sexuality to be confusing and flexible until then! A lot of people are “late bloomers,” and while they may not receive a lot of representation in media (looking at you, horny Riverdale teens), it’s totally normal for sexual urges to not crystallize until adulthood. And even then, people’s sexualities fluctuate! So basically, I would say wait until adulthood to see if any sexual attraction appears.

On the other hand, if you are a minor and identifying as asexual helps you navigate the confusing labyrinth of the teenage years, go for it! If you have started puberty and you haven’t felt any physical attraction towards another person, there’s a good chance you may be ace! Labels aren’t necessary and can be overdone, but if you feel deep down that something just fits, take pride.

TL;DR If you’re concerned about being too young to identify as ace, think your own pubescent timeline. Puberty takes ~4 years, and can finish at 18 or later, so sexual desire may not become clear until then. On the other hand, if identifying as ace helps you find your place in the world, welcome to the community!

What do you do when you’re low and lonely and just wanna be held?