Battle bubbies

Here’s a bit of an update:

I went to MEPS to verify my score and meet with the military doctor for clearance.  That alone was enough to make me reconsider.  I had to strip down to my bra and underwear with the only other female recruit and we were made to do exercises in front of the doctor, followed by an external gyno exam.  It was mortifying.  And they measured me two inches shorter than I am which put me on the edge for weight limit so I had to be taped.

He told me “my numbers were all fine, BMI, scale weight/height and measurements but I’m fat. Oh but that won’t disqualify you from the military. It’s just an administrative issue and they’ll put you on a special diet.” So yeah...

Then I was told I may be DQ’d anyway because I had a cyst on my tailbone 8 years ago and those are “generally disqualifying” because they can be recurrent and the government doesn’t want to have to pay for a recurring issue. So I had to send in my records from my surgery and wait to hear back.

It’s been almost two weeks and I got the text today that I’m medically cleared to swear in and take my job assignment.

This assignment sends me to Texas for a year of training...and my family won’t be coming with me.  I haven’t sworn in, so technically nothing is official and I can still decide not to enlist... And I’d be lying if a part of me wasn’t hoping my tailbone would disqualify me so I could at least say I tried but it’s out of my hands....   

I’m scared to leave for a year...

Scared my husband won’t be here when I get back. Scared my best friend will get tired of waiting and find someone new. Scared my kids will resent me for missing things.  A year seems like such a long time...things could be completely different when I come back and that scares me. I’m second guessing everything.

Ryan is really pushing for it...and is pushing for me to go as soon as possible and that makes me question things.  I’ve had a feeling he’s been cheating and that just makes me even more nervous.  

Here’s another video of me practicing in AIT; an Emergency Chricothyroidotomy or “Cric”. Since then I have learned a much more efficient method of insertion that makes use of the ‘Bougie’ that is included in all of our Cric kits. 

You’ve finally moved to Fort Sill and for so long I wanted you to leave so badly. Yet, a part of my heart aches because the fact that you actually left means you didn’t fight for me. It’s ridiculous to think that you’d fight for me now when you hid everything from me then, but love has never prevailed to logic. I don’t really want us anymore, but it still hurts. What a shame, the way things ended. You pushed me so far over the edge and backed me into a corner all at once that I had nowhere to go. Now I blame myself for cutting you off the way any normal human would react. Maybe I wasn’t fair that night. Maybe you were right, maybe I was under reacting.

I spent so much time sitting in your car the night of November 18, swallowing all of your rotten words just to set my feelings aside once more to check that your heart was okay, while you were shattering mine. For a brief moment, I no longer felt responsible for your feelings. I was able to ruminate amongst the words that slipped from your tongue, of which have left a bitter taste in my mouth. Now I know I have been poisoned. I’ve reverted back to my old ways, always feeling accountable for your feelings and always invalidating my own. I did all of this for you and I feel all of it so deeply, when all you ever did was look out for yourself.

MyMedic Recon

Boo-boos & Ouchies (Bandaids, Bacitracin, sutures)

Hemorrhage Control (Combat Gauze, Kerlix, Ace Wraps, 4” ETB, CAT Tq’s, SOF-T)

Airway & Respirations (Halo/Hyfin/Bolin occlusive dressings, NCD, Cric Kit, NPA)

Circulation (1L LR, Lines/NAR saline lock kits, EZ-IO)