My Dearest Babies;

I went to the dentist.

I enrolled in college.

I’m taking steps for my future. To be a better mom for my children because they deserve a mother that is healthy.

I’ve been lurking but haven’t had a lot to say.

I’m alive, if not a little unwillingly.

Got prescribed a refrigerated vagina disk I have to change once a month so I don’t feel like unaliving myself anymore.

I leave in 1.5 months for training and I’ll be gone for 74 weeks (with two 2 week stents home). And I feel like that’s exactly what is going to happen.

It’s easy to realize how little someone means to you when you’re not around them. Especially for that long. Anytime I’ve tried to talk to him about it, he’s never once tried to be reassuring. And I think it’s because he knows it’s going to happen, too.

He can’t stay faithful when I’m living in the same house, so how can I expect him to when I’ll be 1300+ miles away..

Here’s a bit of an update:

I went to MEPS to verify my score and meet with the military doctor for clearance.  That alone was enough to make me reconsider.  I had to strip down to my bra and underwear with the only other female recruit and we were made to do exercises in front of the doctor, followed by an external gyno exam.  It was mortifying.  And they measured me two inches shorter than I am which put me on the edge for weight limit so I had to be taped.

He told me “my numbers were all fine, BMI, scale weight/height and measurements but I’m fat. Oh but that won’t disqualify you from the military. It’s just an administrative issue and they’ll put you on a special diet.” So yeah...

Then I was told I may be DQ’d anyway because I had a cyst on my tailbone 8 years ago and those are “generally disqualifying” because they can be recurrent and the government doesn’t want to have to pay for a recurring issue. So I had to send in my records from my surgery and wait to hear back.

It’s been almost two weeks and I got the text today that I’m medically cleared to swear in and take my job assignment.

This assignment sends me to Texas for a year of training...and my family won’t be coming with me.  I haven’t sworn in, so technically nothing is official and I can still decide not to enlist... And I’d be lying if a part of me wasn’t hoping my tailbone would disqualify me so I could at least say I tried but it’s out of my hands....   

I’m scared to leave for a year...

Scared my husband won’t be here when I get back. Scared my best friend will get tired of waiting and find someone new. Scared my kids will resent me for missing things.  A year seems like such a long time...things could be completely different when I come back and that scares me. I’m second guessing everything.

Ryan is really pushing for it...and is pushing for me to go as soon as possible and that makes me question things.  I’ve had a feeling he’s been cheating and that just makes me even more nervous.  

Then we were just walking around and he led me into this dungeon thing and walked in and told me I had to lock it so he didn’t hurt anyone. And then he turned into a werewolf.

I was scared so I left and went upstairs to get everyone ready for bed and locked all of the doors behind me hoping he wouldn’t get through. I was getting ready to lie down and one of my brothers was in my room so I asked what he was doing. He said he couldn’t get to his room because the door was locked. So I got up to help him and realized one of the doors was open that I had locked and started to panic

I made this post on my Snapchat yesterday.

Today a friend of mine messaged me and asked me for my address. I asked him why and he said because he was getting me a box. I didn’t believe him so I gave him my address

He said he got me 6 months and to let him know what I think of it.

Finally, with less than two months to go, there is a light!

Biden won the election. The collective sigh of relief heard around the world.