#68c

Here’s a bit of an update:

I went to MEPS to verify my score and meet with the military doctor for clearance.  That alone was enough to make me reconsider.  I had to strip down to my bra and underwear with the only other female recruit and we were made to do exercises in front of the doctor, followed by an external gyno exam.  It was mortifying.  And they measured me two inches shorter than I am which put me on the edge for weight limit so I had to be taped.

He told me “my numbers were all fine, BMI, scale weight/height and measurements but I’m fat. Oh but that won’t disqualify you from the military. It’s just an administrative issue and they’ll put you on a special diet.” So yeah...

Then I was told I may be DQ’d anyway because I had a cyst on my tailbone 8 years ago and those are “generally disqualifying” because they can be recurrent and the government doesn’t want to have to pay for a recurring issue. So I had to send in my records from my surgery and wait to hear back.

It’s been almost two weeks and I got the text today that I’m medically cleared to swear in and take my job assignment.

This assignment sends me to Texas for a year of training...and my family won’t be coming with me.  I haven’t sworn in, so technically nothing is official and I can still decide not to enlist... And I’d be lying if a part of me wasn’t hoping my tailbone would disqualify me so I could at least say I tried but it’s out of my hands....   

I’m scared to leave for a year...

Scared my husband won’t be here when I get back. Scared my best friend will get tired of waiting and find someone new. Scared my kids will resent me for missing things.  A year seems like such a long time...things could be completely different when I come back and that scares me. I’m second guessing everything.

Ryan is really pushing for it...and is pushing for me to go as soon as possible and that makes me question things.  I’ve had a feeling he’s been cheating and that just makes me even more nervous.  

I leave in 1.5 months for training and I’ll be gone for 74 weeks (with two 2 week stents home). And I feel like that’s exactly what is going to happen.

It’s easy to realize how little someone means to you when you’re not around them. Especially for that long. Anytime I’ve tried to talk to him about it, he’s never once tried to be reassuring. And I think it’s because he knows it’s going to happen, too.

He can’t stay faithful when I’m living in the same house, so how can I expect him to when I’ll be 1300+ miles away..

whew chile what did I sign up for